Quick update!

Just a quick update for anyone who was concerned, both my friend, and I are doing much better since this weekend.

I don't have much else to stay at the moment... just letting you all know... =)

The morning after...

I just woke up, though I never really went to sleep... I have ben laying in my bed for roughly an hour now, going through the scene last night in my head over and over...

Everytime i get to certain details of things that were said... i can't help but unleash 2 or 3 sobs as to what could have happened, and that a friend of mine felt that way... The sobs feel fake... while my eyes water up during them, no full tears are produced... But despite the feelings that they are fake, they are uncontrollable...

My whole body is shaking... like fresh off of a full blown panic attack. I can feel hunger in the pit of my stomach... but i can't eat anything... my body is exhausted and my mind won't stop running scenarios... Was everything that we did last night the right answer...

For reasons I won't go into... callig 911 has the potential to be a lot more troublesome than anyone can imagine... but I feel as though, if we didn't i might be short one friend... though... i might be short one friend anyway, if not forgiven for how the situation was handled...

All last night i kept thinking... try to keep a cool head... as i feel this morning... i don't know how i came up with the strength last night to hold it together, because since i started typing this entry... i had to stop roughly 15 times to sob... 16...

Ugh... I feel aweful... I wish I could help him out... give him what he needs to go on and take on his burden(s)... but I have my own burdens to bare...

17...

The lowest of the low

I am sitting here, on my bed, exhausted, eyes full of tears... so nervous I am shaking...

about 3 hours ago i got a frantic phone call from a good friend of mine shouting something incomprehensible... I tried to ask for clarification, but he hung up... I thought it was a practical joke...

I got the call again about 20 seconds later... the still screaming in my ear... but the words "XXXXX is trying to kill himself" rang... and despite being moderately annoyed, one doesn't get that call all the time... So i got out of bed, got dressed, and went over there. I called one other person to be sure of the address and arrived.

When i got there... there was a struggle on the floor... my one friend intent on hurting himself, with my other friend sitting on him and pinning him down... The oe on the ground was crying and wanted to be let up... He was extremely upset... i immediately grabbed and hugged him and i could feel him wanting to break away.

We struggled, he wanted to get into the kitchen for some sharp utensils, he already tried it once tonight... I kept trying to reason with him... but he was utterly defeated... tired, broken, and just wanted to end it all... I held him in my arms on the floor... telling him how much i love him, that his family and friends all care about him... but none of that seemed to matter...

As I held him tight, and he was calming down,and giving him words of encouragement and love, the other friend, under my instructions called 911 to get the ambulace and the paramedics there... once they showed up, he calmed down greatly... i hugged him and led him to the bed... where he laid there... calm... until the paramedics took him in the ambulance to the psych ward to get some tests run... (4 hous there and they still haven't seen him)

He is spending a lot of time texting from the hospital expressing his rage and frustration. several times he has asked me to bring him home... but i cannot... they will not release him, and I want him to truely get better...

The catalyst for this outburst will most likely not dissolve... I am afraid for him... I love him to death and i am sitting here crying my eyes out over the what if...

Twice, when i was younger i attempted suicide for different reasons... I know what it's like to be hurt like he's hurting... both attempts, I am happy to report, were miserable failures...

To make matters worse... one of the people that I called to help... was sadly too drunk to help... and in turn... just more drama was created as she acted like a sick 2 year old... wanting all of the attention...Luckily, my friend who was having the issues, was already out of the house...

As I sit here... eyes blurred with tears and reliving my "what if" thoughts in my head... i can't help but think of just how precious life is... I rejoice in the fact that there was ALMOST a great loss today... an ALMOST that resolved in the negative...

I am still shook up, and terribly upset... I have to be strong for my friends... I love them so much...

I haven't written in a bit...

Here I am... looking at December... and I keep realizing that I haven't written... though I feel as though I should...

I attribute this current lack of consistency of writing due to the lack of consistency in my life as of late. Still not having a job, no set routine, and nothing really to follow, i find myself just mndlessly going from one task to another in an effort to stay busy.

All around me, my friends continue to fall apart... though it doesn't "SEEM" to be as tragic as the last time i have written, things do not seem to be getting better for anyone.

I have never been out of work this long in my life, and I am not quite ready for retirement. I hate being this unstructured... i feel as though my support is still rapidly collapsing around me...

I KNOW this will change... I am just waiting on corporate america to get off of its lazy ass to finally sign the contract or my temporary employment and than I can start working... while I KNOW it's happening, it seems as though, like so many other things in my life... what's too good to be true... normally is...

I hate the fact that I can take most other people's problems and solve them so quickly through decent insite, but cannot seem to solve my own, but as of late, even that ability seems to be fading, and i find myself saying more often than ever "I don't know what to tell you." usually followed by a frown or a look of grim sincerity.

It's rough... and pretty difficult... but I will manage...

a test?

The world has been going a little crazy lately... I am finding that people around me are falling apart... most of the time through no fault of their own...

1. I was laid off... as anyone who reads this knows...

2. I have 2 friends who were kicked out of their living spaces through issues with their roomates...

3. A friend whos family has been torn apart by the fact that he's gay and wanted to bring his boyfriend to Thanksgiving

4. Another friend who is about to lose his job...

5. My cousin who just had a baby... (which is good) but the baby is currently going through Methodone withdrawl...

6. I have another friend who despite everything he is doing... cannot find a job at all


Now... none of these things that are happening, are within my span of control... yet, for most of the situations... i feel... as a friend... i have to do everything in my power to help everyone out...ofcourse... such a course of action, is difficult to say the least.

I took in one of my friends who lost his living situation, as a temporary situation... to help him get back on his feet and get his life together... because of that, I have big limitations on helping the other friend, who i feel extremely bad about and would like to help... unfortunately, i don't have a 10 bedroom house that i can let everyone live in...

I will do everything i can to help my friends find a job... but... i have to face facts that while the prospects look good, i do not have a job at this time... Such realizations are not fun to say the least...

I have... what my one friend refers to as Paladin Syndrome... another friend calls it a textbook case of co-dependancy...

I am wondering if this is all just some sort of test... To see if i can figure out who to help out, how to help out, what exactly to do... how far to stretch myself... and to see if i can come out on top... unfortunately... these are all answers i don't have yet... and I wish i knew what to do...

I truely feel bad for everyone, but realize... i have my own things to deal with... this certainly isn't an easy dilemma... and most of it isn't even mine...

sometimes i wish i could get a lobotomy and take away my feelings... life would be so much easier... though it's our feelings and compassions (for good or ill) that defines us...

If anyone has any suggestions... i am open...

as it stands

Well... as of today, I am officially unemployed. I turned in all of my CSC stuff yesterday and that was that. I have to say I wasn't very happy about the "transition" to come... but I will make due.

I filed yesterday for unemployment... but I found out online that the maximum benefit in georgia is $330/week... and you are taxed on that... $330/wk... i know that i am spoiled... I know this... but $330/wk isn't even enough to pay my mortgage...

I also felt bad at the unemployment office. Here i was... filling out my application and it asked me to put in my salary for my last job. Now... I was making good money... 6 figures... but when i went to put in my salary, it only had room for 5 digits... I kinda felt like a big ol' heel... but i wanted to make sure i filled it out right... so I went to the orientation lady and told her... "I feel really kinda bad for saying this... but... i tried to put in my current salary, and there wasn't enough numbers." She looked at me in a puzzling manner for a minute... then said "Just put all 9's"

So... here i am... jobless... but there is a light at the end of the tunnel... a small light... bu a light none the less. I was contacted by my old job and given an opportunity to go back there as a contractor. This is a 3 month contract, but it's a 3 month reprieve that I can look for a new full time job... There was an email from my old boss saying he might be able to hire me back full time as well...

now... i won't be fooled into making myself think that by the time i left i was happy there or anything... because i wasn't... but... i know the people, i know the problems, and its a check with benefits... so... i think i will take it... if fully offered.

A New Week

Well... first off... let me tell you all about my weekend.

I went up to Philly to help shoot a movie. The movie is called "Looking For:" It's a short film that I wrote for my cousin. A comedy about dating...

All I have to say is... it was a blast!!!! The actors are great and I couldn't stop laughing throughout the shoot. It really was a blast!!!!! I also learned just how much work goes into shooting a film. But in the end, it's going to be an awesome film that's hysterical to watch!!!! All of the people, actors, production crew, assistants, makeup and costuming... EVERYONE is doing such an awesome job, I wish i was still there. Unfortunately, I have to be back in Atlanta.

Another thing that happened this weekend, that i was not particularly happy about, was a lie told about me to get my brother's girlfriend to a baby shower. He told her that they were going, because I was up for the weekend, (which i was) and that I was announcing my engagement to my boyfriend... Which, for no particular reason, really upset me. To me, it's kinda like a jinx... as if, i will probably not even get a date now that i am already supposed to be engaged... As irrational as that sounds, it just upset me, as everyone knows i have enough of a problem finding dates..

Anyway... enough of that... so here i am... staring down my "last" week of employment with my company. I am worried and anxious and will be all week. I have a lot of work to do... i just am really hoping i am not just spinning my wheels. I already heard from two leads... One in Cambridge Mass., the other in El Segundo California... both of which would require me to move, but i really don't want to move...

*sigh* i'm not writing anymore about this today... it's depressing... just wish me luck!

tipping the scales

Life, as some of the great philosophers would say, is all about balance... So I see life as a great set of scales counter balancing each other...

My heavy scale, has always been my career. It has always created stability in my life and has kept me sane. (family, who has also kept me stable is a different set of scales)

but the one thing that has always been "light" in my scales and has seen more air time than most birds has been my social life.

Now, my social life, which really has not affected my job in the way of missing assignments or anything, has grown! I have friends, good friends that i have been seeing almost every day. meeting their friends and creating a social network. Now that my social life is getting bigger, perhaps the great balance is taking some karma from my social life...

I know this is a silly theory... that everything that's happening can be traced to live events and not some invisible force that touches everything. but... still if such a force exists... is that how it works? balance each other out? work and play... and since i have been "playing" more, i have less work? That would be very sad indeed!

not a good day

Elections aside... Today is not a good day...

i feel helpless. i was okay for the first part of the day, besides the rage about the election, but, with the lack of sleep, not a lot of food in my system (i don't have an appetite... though i am taking vitamins and such)

i can just feel myself slipping physically into depression. I am trying to snap myself out of it, but it's not doing any good... and I KNOW that depression will definately NOT help me in the time i need to be calm, cool and collected.

This... is definately not a fun time to be me.

poorly thought out, emotional response proposals

This is in response to the fact that gays cannot get married.

1. Since gay americans can get married, but not to those who they may love... I think that no-one should. Everyone being equal, I think that the Government should just arrange marriages between random people. This way... everyone would be treated equal. No-one can get married to whom they may love. Just, get married for the benefits (apparently, as gays want... because they can't feel love... right?)

2. Ban all marriages. Everyone should be equal... right? Convicted criminals who take lives can get married as long as they are heterosexual... right? So since everyone in this great country should be treated equal. No-one should be married. Right? Why segregate a section of the population. Give no-one the right to marriage.

3. Take away all benefits of marriage in government. If marriage is a religious institution, why do non-religious people, or single people who pay taxes support it? Religious institutions are not taxed... and since marriage is ultimately a religious ceremony, why is it recognized in the government? All men are created equal, so since the government should treat everyone equal. Since there is freedom of religion... let religious ceremonies happen, but don't reward them. We don't reward human sacrifice by giving death benefits to the killers... but hey... some religions mandate it. freedom of religion right?

4. Allow gay people (and single people) to be exempt from paying taxes. Since we don't have the same rights as married people, or the same benefits... why discriminate against a segment of the population. So... okay... compensate discrimination by giving people discriminated against a bone. Since we can not have rights in the government, and are second classed citizens... and don't really count in society, we shouldn't be taxed as if we are part of society.

5. OR... give all members of society the same rights. Give ALL of the people the right to marry whom they love and wish to spend their life with. Treat people equally and don't discriminate.


My feelings are... not to take rights away from anyone. but give those discriminated against, the same rights. Many groups in America have been oppressed at one point or another. African Americans were denied the right to vote. But it was seen as a social injustice (and rightfully so) and were given the right... And a group that has been oppressed with such injustice... in exit polls, African Americans voted 70% in favor of one man one woman (for statistics please see http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/results/polls/#CAI01p1 )

I remember the poem i learned in college sociology class:

When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.

When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.

When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.

When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I was not a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.

Election

Today, is not a good day for me in regards to the election.

I voted for change, I voted for, what I thought was the better candidate, I voted for Obama.

Why then, am I not happy and less than impressed with the election results on this historic election?

Because, I, as a gay man, was once again thrown under the bus. While people were talking about how change has happened, and that even an African American can be elected president. In 4 states, gays were shot down in everything from marriage to adoption. We are still second class citizens in an America that are no longer a part of the "civil rights movement"

In an election of change, some things have stayed the same. Gays are not treated fairly in America. We are not worth pure citizenship in America.

Mr President Elect... you say "Yes we can" well... what you really mean is "Yes your people can" but you tell my community... "No you can't"

No my friends... today is not a good day... While i am happy that there is a change in Washington DC... and a group that has been oppressed has taken a MAJOR, well deserved step forward. That same group, claiming civil rights victory, has helped perpetuate intolerance, homophobia, and has succeeded in re-enforcing that, not all people in America are "created equal"

Shame on you... all of you, who vote for injustice. Shame on the news who refuse to cover this event. Shame on everyone who claims this historic election of change to be complete victory.

I am not celebrating.

feelings:

i am feeling many emotions simultaneously!

happy i have friends that care
sad of the situation
panic of where my future is headed
determined to find something
maniacaly calculative to hatch schemes
hyper on looking and talking about my situation
tired and exhausted because i got no sleep and i just voted
lonely because i am by myself most of the day
caring because i have friends that still need my support

Today, My world shattered a little

I got a call today around 5pm-ish from my boss at work. Normally, when he calls at all it's because he wants to check in and tell me about a new assignment i am going on.

This was different... his tone was different, and i put two and two together and made mud...

I have been given 2 weeks notice to figure something out and get on a project, or I am gone on Nov 14th.

I am panic stricken... I don't have much savings to begin with, and my mother yelled at me for that... but there is a real possibility that things in life may take a STRONG downwards turn that is definately not good.

My mom, despite yelling at me, is very supportive and is pretty sure I will land on my feet, I personally am not as confident.

I was on the verge of tears, and while I have calmed down enough to be able to write this entry, the depression and anxiety I feel are ever present... i was hungry tonight, but didn't bother to eat...

I am down, i feel like i need someone to come and hold me and tell me it's going to be better...

Despite the fact that i feel like an emotional wreck, i am "thinking" clearly and have started contacting all of my contacts i can think of.

The thing that really upsets me more than anythin else, is that, out of all of my friends, I have always been the most stable. Kinda the rock that ends up helping my friends in their times of hardship. As selfish as it is for me to want to continue this role, I just don't know what I am going to do moving forward. I am afraid that I will have to find a new job in another state, and have to move.

Ultimatey, I have to do what I HAVE to.

I haven't posted in a while

But that's because there is nothing really going on to post about.

Today i am having some friends over to watch movies... that's about it. My life has been boring... though next week should be interesting, as I am headed up to Philly to film the movie!!!!!

HallowCon 2008

Well... i got back from hallowcon this year, (a 3 day halloween party) and boy are my arms tired...

So are my legs, feet, back, fingers, and mental capacity, all diminished from a weekened of hard work... but i love it.

I worked in the Con Suite, which, for those of you who don't go to conventions, are the place where con-goers can go to get fed and properly socially lubcricated (drink)for free. Not all conventions do full out meals, but this convention does!

I worked there with all of my friends from the previous convention and it was VERY AWESOME to see them again! Time goes by way too long before i get a chance to see them each con... but... when we do see each other, it's just like old times!

Despite the fact that it's a lot of work, and it is... A LOT OF WORK! I really enjoy it... i think it's partly the italian in me wanting to make sure everyone is fed.

So... here were some of the goings on...

It was in a new hotel this year... a (former) Howard Johnsons... and let me tell you... I will N E V E R E V E R E V E R step a foot in that place again...

hair all over the bathroom, fresh towels that were dirty, and a kitchen, that had i known what it looked like, i wouldn't have bothered eating breakfast from the resteraunt the day before. (i kinda got back at him un-intentionally though, when i thought his kitchen garbage disposal worked and dumped roughly 4 lbs of corn and stringbeans down the drain (industrial kitchen) only to find out it didn't work... ooops...) It really was an accident!!! one of those accidents that... i guess was just karma related.

It was sad, as they appeared to take no pride in the hotel appearance at all... such a shame...

I gave several backrubs to people who needed them, and in one... i accidentally undid a bra! yeah... me... undid a bra... this so called "slick move" had me mortified... she actually thought it was slick and didn't believe me when i told her it was un-intentional... but she thought i was straight... i then debunked that myth and she realized that perhaps it really was unintentional!

I bought 2 slaves at the slave auction... got them for 1 hour to do whatever i wanted them to do (within reason ofcourse) So what did i do? put them to work in the con suite having them help the staff clean up! One of my slaves was an awesome worker... the other, i paid too much for and she wasn't worth her weight in dead leaves. oh well... such is life..

lets see... what else... well... aside from getting to see and hang with friends that i just don't get a chance to see enough of, i get to see a type of people you just don't see in the city... even in Atlanta... Country Folk... and trust me... they ARE country folk...

I have seen cute toddlers with mullets, some people with fewer teeth than a broken 5 toothed comb, very red neck fashions, and people acting stupid... But despite me being, pretty much the only open gay person there, i was not lynched or bashed or anything... All of the people who go are extremely nice, and go out of their way to help.

Most of them are just like what is described as hometown america... except most of them aren't christian, and that's okay!!!!!!!! (EAT YOUR HEART OUT VICE-PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATE PSYCHO LADY!)

Anyhow... HallowCon was fun, and I will be looking forward to going again... i already pre-regged for their Science Fiction convention in March...

All in all... a hard working stellar weekend!!!!! I am really looking forward to the next one!!!!

Not a lot going on...

There hasn't been a lot going on in my life... just normal stuff... though, there has been a shift in my overall attitude...

Despite my stress level being high-ish... and my medication level being low-ish... i am getting out a lot more, i am hanging out with friends more often, doing more, and actually happy about it.

I went to the AIDS walk this weekend. It was nice to see some of my friends walking... and it was very nice to see one of my friends who just contracted the HIV virus... (very sad) but he's doing well and it's very good to support my frends... in anything.... but that's espeially important!

I saw my shrink... and he said he was happy that i am making progress!

status check

It's 7:30am... i am awake, sore, and tired!

I am awake... because... i woke up...

I am sore... because i have been working out...

and I am tired... because... i am always tired...

I am listening to OutQ Radio... i think it's pretty funny...

I am still not on any projects and find it difficult to keep myself busy...

I have got in contact with a friend i haven't talked to in a month or so, and reminiscing about good times, so that was fun...

I am proud of one of my new friends for getting a job, he really deserves it despite his very bad lot in life.

I am happy with my new friends i have made... they seem to be genuinly interested in me!

I am not happy with my workout routine because... it's making me sore and it's difficult, but i am DETERMINED to keep it up!!!

I have been dreaming strange dreams... but I can't really remember enough details to blog about it.

I have been very lax with my medication... and my anxiety level has been raised a little... but not too bad!

I went to a birthday dinner last night, and didn't take any emergency medication to go...

I am HIGHLY looking forward to seeing a friend of mine who moved away... who is coming to atlanta today to get a copy to a title for his car...

That's about it for my current status...

In PA!

Normally when I come to PA, and visit my old hangouts... i am faced with the same old anxiety that i used to have. The stomach aches... the not wanting to go anywhere, etc...

This trip, however, i don't seem to have that anxiety anymore... I came up for a business meeting on wednesday, to which i stayed out from 10am to... well... 11pm... and that's VERY unusual for me. I even sat in a traffic jam AFTER i ate at a resteraunt, and didn't panic! (As i normally would have)

Yesterday, I spent the day with my cousin doing things for the movie we are making. I was out from 11am to 8:30... driving around philadephia, going to places i had never seen before, and... no anxiety attack (and no anxiety pill either)

Now... i don't honestly think my anxiety is going away... I still get attacks... but maybe the old underlying anxieties from my old residence is finally fading... =)

A new group of people

So... tonight i had some friends come over... very different from the normal crowd... These guys were younger... and... well... one of them was a porn star... (an adorable porn star at that)

we didn't really do anything but hang, chat, browse the web and laugh... the porn star actually had to make some last minute touches on a movie he was in, so he was busy editing while everyone else, myself included, were making comments and trying to help find glitches...

it was fun... we had a good time, and i made a new friend (the porn star guy) I am trying to expand my horizons a bit, and it is working... they are a nice bunch of guys who I will look forward to hanging with in the future...

I know it's like 1:15 when i am writing this... i know i SHOULD be asleep, but they just left... and i know that i should have been the more responsible one and kicked them out earlier... but i figured... why bother... in any case... it was a different experience, that if i really had thought about it, i would have REALLY felt like a fish out of water and very awkward...

i mean... nothing bad was going on. nothing really morally bad or objectionable... it was just... what it was... and that was good... *shrug* sometimes... i realize i just have to chill...

it still happens... always

so... i was talking to this kinda cute guy... we have been messaging back and forth for a couple days now... he has seen my picture, and keeps talkin to me...

so he has recently asked... if i have any more pics... i told him i am not in the habit of taking pictures... but there are a couple of me on my myspace page... I assumed he went to see them, and then... nothing... not a word, not an anything...

people wonder why i am insecure about my looks... that's why... i know he's kinda a jerk for doing something... and that it happens to everyone... but damnit... it just makes me feel... ugly... *shrug*

Pissed off, and helpless

I tend to be a sympathetic soul to those in need... especially good people that have problems... i tend to sympathize with their plight, see just how frustrated they are, helpless to do anything about it, and then give up on the things they want...

Two of my friends, since moving down here, (before i have known them) have been accused of child molestation... Ofcourse neither of them said they did it... seeming like really good people... i believe them... here are their basic stories:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Story 1:

One, was accused of touching his nephew in-appropriately. This was done by his sister, yes, sister, in order to get him out of the house... (instead of kicking him out, apparently, the red-necked bitch, thought that since her brother is gay, there is only one place for him... prison.

He was 17 (i think) at the time of his conviction. No parents to guide him, an inscrupulous defense attourney (who didn't care about him at all) and a judge who wanted to put away another child mollester... despite that the evidence against him was just the child's words... no polygraph was taken, no other evidence of any kind was found... his life, is now ruined, trying to get a simple job, yet no-one will hire him. Living both homeless, or trying to live at people's place that take advantage of him and treat him like shit.. His life, is ruined... despite the lack of evidence... he was put away... btw... he's attracted to older guys... i have seen this first hand!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Story 2

A young teacher gets a new house, has a fiance (female) and a new car. He's doing well for himself...

A couple red-necked parents get it in their heads, that if they pick a teacher (male teachers always work best for this...) to have their kids say they were touched (despite evidence) they could get him convicted, ruin his life, then do a civil suit, liquidate his house and get a windfall...

So they started the procedure... he was arrested, and evidence was taken... polygraph tests, (3 of them), a penile plethysmograph (which proved he was not attracted to children, and several other things that proved he was innocent.)

These were all thrown out, because the judge wanted to put away a child molestor... because, well... it looked good for the resume, and to get re-elected... So he was told, if it went to trial, the judge would see that he was put away for 200+ years, so he had to take a plea... His life is now ruined, trying to make a living for himself but not getting hired anywhere, he is going to be forced to leave his home...

Oh... by the way... despite the fact that the evidence was thrown out, there was not enough evidence for the parents to get anything in a civil suit, since it was just hearsay... so they burnt down his house... leaving him with nothing...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I know these guys, and they are the sweetest guys around... I believe that they are innocent... (i could be wrong ofcourse, because i wasn't there...)

but this reminds me of when i was little. When i was like... oh.. i don't know... 8 or 9... i remember being tortured by my older brother and cousin (who were 4 years older than me, but 1 month apart from each other) holding me down and tickling me, taking stuff off of me and keeping it from me while laughing, and even went as far as to try to make me fall into a creek (we used to walk over a 2 planked bridge to school every day, it was very shakey... my cousin would walk across first, my brother would push me on the bridge... then they would jump on both sides to get me to fall in... though it never worked)... it was truely terrorizing... but i was helpless to do anything... i am sure my mother was sick of the stories when i used to tell (because i couldn't fight back) but that didn't stop them...

This is how i feel now... i thought we were supposed to live in a country where justice wins... not the courts... but people who are innocent, go free and the people who are not, are prosecuted... Here are 2 instances of a crooked court, and 2 young men's lives ruined... essentially forever... it really pisses me off... I have been trying to give them both ideas and leads for jobs... but they are coming up dry... they are both good guys and hard workers when given the chance... and they really don't deserve this...

but... what can be done? I would love to help them, but there isn't anything i can do. not without getting all wrapped up in their situations and than having false charges on me myself... and then i would go both ballistic, and i would shut down...

This feeling, is my biggest pet peeve. even bigger than the whole "not talking" thing... the bigger guy picking on, or ruining the little guy's life just because they can... I hope karma will bring them back as lab rats for what they have done... or worse yet... a parasite that feeds off of pond scum... that is fully aware of it's existance...

i am open to any suggestions people may have to help out my friends... if i was a millionaire, i would hire them both as personal assistants... but sadly, there isn't really anything i can do, but just hope things will really work out for the best for them both... and be furious at the system, of which, i do not know enough, or have enough energy or money, to tear down and expose...


epilogue:

oh... the end to that little story about my bro/cuz wanting me to fall into the creek by our house was when my older brother, decided to not pay attention to what he was doing... and fell into the creek himself on the way to school... They didn't do that again when they saw how much trouble he got into... and to be honest... i couldn't have asked for a better ending...

true story!

it's dirty under the bus...

Well... i watched the vice presidential debate last night, and while the people "in the know" thought it was a great debate, i was less than impressed.

Everything that Palin said, didn't resinate with me. I mean... it sounded good, however, she kept talking about energy energy energy... even when the question wasn't about energy. she said... (and i am paraphrasing) "I know I won't be answering the questions the way the moderators want, but I am talking to the american people tonight."

Then... they asked about gay marriage. Both emphatically mentioned that they are against gay marriage. I have to be honest, i am sick and tired of being thrown under the bus. Why the hell... no... why the FUCK, in this day and age, is it appropriate to discriminate against a group of people in an open forum, to get votes... Isn't it time for a change of attitude? I am going to start calling these people racist... and i KNOW they aren't discriminating based on race... but it will get their attention, and i will explain their attitude EXACTLY MIRRORS racism...

to be honest, it's religist... the middle eastern based religions, christianity, jewish, islam, are all against gay people, and we are the last group of people, who it is okay to hate, based on what we are. It's EXTREMELY annoying, and i am getting bruised for all the being thrown under the bus. Oh... and then they balk at countries who don't share their values that EVERYONE is equal, but gays don't quite seem to truely fit in that equation

Now... while i KNOW i am very far from a boyfriend, let alone marriage, i hate the fact that it's okay to take shots at me just because of how i am... we are hated more than murderers, rapists (adult rapists), junkies, and corporate robbers... We don't do anything that's non-consentual. We don't hurt anyone, though, they think we are damning both our and our partner's souls for all eternity... When I ask for proof, they show me a 2000 year old book, which says you shouldn't eat pork, kill children who talk back to their parents, and not eat shellfish, as all of those are "sins." I am sorry... that's NOT good enough. Then they point to the AIDS epidemic, how it was "gods curse" but straight people can get it too... so what's up with that? STUPID people... and they run the country... Canada and Euqope is looking better and better, with their economies, and true equality...

*sigh*

How does one recognize if one is going insane?

I don't mean crazy crazy, like i am talking to people that aren't there, or contemplating going postal, but when you have a clearly crazy idea, that hasn't been done before, and has a TON of challenges (probably impossible odds) but something I am excited about!

This is something that will not hurt anyone or anything... but it's an interesting idea none-the-less. I would explain it here, but:

a. It's not fully hatched out...
b. I don't want anyone giving me negative comments on it (i am just not ready for pre-rejection YET)
c. I don't want anyone to steal the idea.

I think it's VERY interesting ofcourse, and the one person i have told about it, actually thinks it could work (despite its challenges). The more i think about it and try to fully hatch it out, the more i think... what the hell am i doing?

Which makes me think, perhaps my zeal for the idea, is a beginning stage for insanity. (for those who are concerned that it's for power, it's not, it's a LEGAL idea to make $1,000,000, but not nessecarily all for myself.)

So how does one know or recognize the signs of insanity? Could this truely be a stroke of genius? I kinda feel like a mad scientist (no, it's not a science project or "invention") Nothing like this has been executed before, and it makes me wonder, is it truely a sane idea. I will be talking to a couple others about this idea (people i trust) but... i guess we will see...

Happy October everyone

I love the fall, it's my favorite season, the leaves change, the weather gets cooler, the skies turn a little gray... oh wait... this is Georgia, that won't happen until Winter... *sigh*

None the less... I love October. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and i do enjoy the little changes the world decides to make on our behalf with the climate change and just the overall feeling.

Even with all of the crisis going on in the world... Atlanta having no gas, the economy going to hell, and i won't take the time to discuss the current political situation... but i am not remotely amused!

nothing to report

it's pretty much just status quo here. nothing really to report... but i did want to say hi...

there will be a couple things coming up soon... but i don't feel like discussing them atm...

=)

always wishing i was something i am not

Lately, i have been in contact with a couple guys... all of whom are out of the area, that i think are very cute, that are interested in me. The feeling, is mutual, but ofcourse, i have been through the whole long distance relationship thing before and i am not happy with the arrangements and situations it causes.

I am missing something in my life... at the moment... it's physical contact... not sex... but hugs, kisses, and cuddling. It's something my being is crying out for... as i have always been affectionate, but living on my own, with very few friends coming to visit, (and in their defense, i don't always rush out to visit them) i find that i just am not getting any of the physical contact that i require.

That's where long distance relationships, for me, go south. There is that missing of contact, and it's not fun at all. I can allow myself to get very emotional with people i have not seen. (i have done that in the past, WAY too often) and i have been lonely. I only ever speak to 2 friends on a regular basis now, and everyone else on a random schedule.

A couple people tell me i need to put myself out there... and i know this is true... and that the people who are chatting with me, i feel have real potential for moving forward, (YES i know i don't know them all that well... so be quiet!)

so... how does this deal with the Title of the blog?... well...

i am finding that my relationships mostly leave me high and dry at the moment... i would like to be the type of person that can both find the courage to get out there, OR, the courage to be what people want me to be. What does that mean? it means if i was thinner, had a little more attitude, a little less on the anxiety/worry piece... i could probably land a good guy. If i wasn't such a geek, into sci-fi and fantasy, into video games and such... i could probably get a lot of chances from more people, than i get now.

I am not saying that there is nothing good about myself. I feel i have a big heart, i have a wonderful family (up in PA), i have a decent job, i love to make people laugh, my friends tell me i am an excellent cook/baker. I have some good qualities, but i always see myself as working with tools i don't have...

So what does that mean? well... i always see myself as younger... not that i am 18 or something... but i guess since i have always been into video games, and fantasy movies, cartoons, comedies (a little on the immature humor side) I always find myself being attracted to younger guys... both physically and mentally, and while i know i am not old... i feel as though i should just be turning like 26 instead of turning 33.

i always feel as though i am just chasing after being something i am not... it's not that i don't accept myself... i just wish i was something else... *shrug*

Either way... i am just kinda a little down about the whole situation. I hope something comes out of the relationships i am attempting to cultivate... but... we will see.

i love my family... i really do!

So... this weekend i was in Las Vegas... and i had a blast... really i did. Vegas was... well... vegas... and even though i left there a little in the red (about $160), we all had a great time!

There was a proverbial gray cloud however... One of my family members, who does not need to be mentioned ofcourse. Everyone who knows us, they know who this is.

This person just had no regard for anyone around him. Deciding not to hang out with us for the majority of the time, smoking in the "pointed out" non-smoking hotel, and deciding to get so drunk, that he had to be escorted to the hotel room by 4 police officers. He stumbled through the door and proceeded to simply fall onto the ground, and was completely, well... off the wall drunk to the point where he had to be put to bed to sleep it off.

I knew to expect behavior similar to this, that doesn't mean i wanted it. But i just have to say, it really kinda hurts that he chose to not care about the fact that we took my father there for his 70th birthday, and was really all about him. By the end of the trip, my father had a good time, but was annoyed at the behavior of said brother, the room smelled like an ashtray, and he did not spend the entire last day with us, and got very annoyed at the fact that we were not happy about his behavior.

it hurts... but lesson learned...

I do love my family, even the more controversial ones.. i don't expect them to change, but i do expect them to respect each other... including me...


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oh... so... by the way... on a different topic.

I got the room at the Hilton Grand Vacation Club as being part of the Hilton Honors points systems. In return for getting a fairly good deal i had to sit through a presentation for them to sell me timesharing. I sat through their presentation despite not having any interest in purchasing.

I noticed through, throughout their sales pitches, that everything was geared towards heterosexual couples. NOTHING in the pitch about gay people (which i am not surprised at) but nothing, and i mean NOTHING geared to single people. All the images in their movie were (straight) couples and families.

This didn't shock me... as i have stated before, and it didn't offend me per say, but, i did bring this up to my sales person after the pitch, and he was genuinely shocked. I mean... after enduring the question "why hasn't a guy like you found a good girl" and i said... well... because i'm gay...

Once again... he was shocked... but he did thank me for correcting him. first thing: sales people! know your audience...!

I didn't buy, as i wasn't planning, but after the presentation, i decided, it really isn't for me. I am not a heterophobe... but come on... they wanted me to spend $29,000, the least they could have done is showed me a cute single guy in a bathing suit on the beach!

oh well... /rant off

Nervous over nothing

so... it's almost 11:00pm... i should be asleep, but i am not. Why should I be asleep?

because i am going to Las Vegas tomorrow and my plane leaves relatively early that's why. But my nerves are high, and i believe they are activating my IBS. which is not good.

I have been "running" to the bathroom like 5 times today. To make matters worse, i had a WICKED craving for mcdonald's breakfast and probably endulged too much. In my defense, i was feeling OK this morning, but now i am paying for it.

I am looking forward to vegas this weekend... i am going with my 2 brothers and father. I am takin dad for his 70th bday, as he has always wanted to see las vegas, but has never gone. i refuse to be sick...

yet here i am... awake at 11pm... not feeling well... maybe this stroke of bad luck is making way for EXTREMELY good luck... especially when i play the million dollar slots...

please send good vibes my way... because i certainly need them.

addiction... and random feelings as of late

I have noticed the latest addiction of mine getting worse. It's the need for communication.

I have found myself lately, waking up in the morning, and the first thing i do, is put on the laptop to check my email, myspace and facebook messages to see if anyone wrote me. Then i sign onto yahoo messenger, and eventually AIM to start chatting the day away.

My day, as well, ends in the same position, until i feel tired enough to get to sleep, i find myself chatting and sending messages to friends. Trying to self analyze this latest addiction, i know it's not the medium i am addicted to, but what it does.

Since I have been working from home, i find my interaction with people negligible. I do work from home, and keep wanting to push myself to go into the office, but since the gas prices are so high ($4.24+) in my area, I cannot justify it.

I do, venture out of my place, downstairs to talk to the locals, and i have a good working relationship with them. They are always happy to see me and are eager to spread the daily gossip. I do enjoy the live interaction, and seek it out, but it's only a small handful of people, and they are considered friends... but none of them are gay friends.

I find myself drawn to the net, and to these social and chat programs because i really need the interaction with gay people, and there i find myself living in a world where guys actually like me, and chat the time away.

So... when i am missing human interaction, why don't i go to places like bars and clubs and interact?

Because it doesn't work. When i do go to bars and clubs, i end up sitting at the bar, by myself... either nursing a single drink... or something as lame as a soda, and just talk to the bartender when he comes by to say "is everything ok?"

No-one ever approaches me, i can only assume, especially coming from the low self esteem point of view... that it's the way i look. I am un-approachable, because, people don't want to approach me. When i go out, i usually dress comfortably, but not horribly. My clothes are never a mess, always clean, and i usually have a smile on my face as i watch the rest of the bar patrons. So i don't go there (usually) with a miserable attitude. But yet, when i do go... nothing... not so much as a hi.

Which brings me to my next topic. Why do guys online, seem to like nice guys... but guys in real life... only like pretty guys. Who wants a nice guy? I see these people looking for long term relationships (all of the Philippines apparently) and guys who are far away.

I see these guys in my local area, my RL friends getting together and getting boyfriends and think... why can't that be me. Why do all my friends, and guys who like nice guys, live far away.

I kinda feel a little like Ted from Queer as Folk. Who's biggest organ was his heart... but no-one cared about the size of that organ...

But, of course, at the same time... i am not actively pursuing the local people who are pursuing me, because, well... i would rather remain friends... How messed up is that... The guys I want, don't want me... the guys i don't want... want me... and i feel like a jerk because i don't feel for them the same way they feel about me.

And it's not all about the looks either. Some of them are really cute, but we have personality clashes... Or just general personality discord... not a clash per say, just... doesn't go together, parallel, but never to join.

My mother has a remedy for me, don't worry about anyone else and just concentrate on myself. It's good advice. If only i could really take it to heart. *shrug*

Wow... this entry has gone on long enough... and i have to get to work... well... start working... Today I have to dispute roughly $6500 worth of credit card charges because someone lifted my card number and decided to take $700 taxi rides around the city... which ofcourse are not true. So i have to fill out that affidavit and stuff...

anyhow... later!

So...

despite my desire to laugh at difficult things, i have been super stressed lately.

I am stressed about losing some friends, i am stressed about not having a work project... and it's taking its toll on my system.

I have been trying to get through this, but it's irritating my IBS something fierce. I am tense, my mind races 50 miles a minute, and my medication doesn't seem to work more than on an anxiety scale of 0 - 10... it's keeping me hovering at a 7-8.

Hopefully... the weekend will help this out.

Other little revelations:

One of my new friends has HIV (and is having liver problems)
In the last 3 weeks, i have been stood up 12 times by 5 different people.

laughs

there isn't enough laughs in the world... with politics, drama, etc... its been one series of depressions after another.

We are definitely in need of more laughter in the world! So... if anyone talks to me, and i am "less than serious" just letting you know... i am decompressing...

DRAMA... why?

so... i have had people be causing unnecessary drama in my life lately. I don't have the energy to type it all out, but i want to know...

WHY? why do these people impose their mind games on others? Does this make them feel better about themselves? Do they just like imposing negative vibes on people whom they consider friends? what's the point?

All i know is, this past weekend i was pulled into the middle of a situation that had nothing to do with me, with people outside of my state, and including people i have never met before. I have to say, i am a little bitter from the experience, why the hell would any friend push me into the middle of something that has nothing to do with me, except the fact that i just so happen to know one of the people involved.

*shrug* i don't know... i just don't get it... and ya know... i don't think i want to. Normally i like to analyze people and their habits, over think about it, internalize it, blame it on myself, then move on to the next situation... but... i am just soooo over it, i don't care anymore...

!

I was just informed that our official dragoncon party count was 815... which was the second largest event at dragoncon officially.

that's not bad for being told we are doing this 2 days before it happened.

we were only surpassed by the World of Warcraft Party... (big shocker there)

if we were better prepared though... we could have easily toppled them!

Nobodies...

So... i was going to make this journal entry all about dragoncon... I will get to that in a bit, but i wanted to take a step in further self analysis...

I am a big fan of video games, especially ones with stories.

To date, my favorite game series is Square Enix' Kingdom Hearts. Its a series of stories about a boy Sora who meets up with Disney characters and defends the world verses the Heartless. Well... ofcourse it's more complicated than that... but it's a good story.

In Kingdom Hearts 2, the main bad guys, instead of being the heartless, are Nobodies. These people, according to the game, are the bodies of people who lose their heart to the heartless. (look up kingdom hearts 2 on wikipedia for further info)

They are the bad guys, but i am very sympathetic to their plight. Even though they clearly go about things the wrong way, all they are looking to do, is exist. Even though people can see them, feel them, touch them, be hurt by them, etc.. they do not exist. Essentially, they do everything they can to make themselves real.

I empathize with them, because, i consider myself walking along the same path. I do everything i can, to make people like me, to exist in the world where people actually regard me as a real person. Rather than cause a genocide of heart stealing with fun disney villains, i do it by extending myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and too often financially, to make people realize that i exist. Quite often, no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try, what feats i pull, to some, i still don't exist.

I put this in my dragoncon post, because, well, this weekend, I was treated like a no-body by people who should have treated me differently. People for whom, i was responsible for taking to dragoncon, (because they couldn't afford tickets themselves) treated me like a nobody. Regarded me when i was helping them, but once i was out of sight, i was also out of mind.

It got to the point, where i was being so dis-regarded for my feelings, that I was asked to sleep on the floor. Well... in all honesty, i wasn't asked... it was suggested that someone take my sleeping space and to find another. These people that suggested it, didn't put up any money, nor regard my feelings. I was treated like a nobody and it hurt.

When i didn't give up my spot... as I paid for half of the room, i felt i deserved a space on a bed, and NOT on the floor, nor did i feel it right to displace someone else... apparently, there was a lot of crying, how unfair it was that someone had to sleep on the floor, because, well... i was in the bed... Now granted... the bed wasn't that big... but it wasn't like i was sleeping in the middle of it... they could have just as easily both climbed into bed as i went all the way to the edge. I just didn't feel right about sleeping on the floor, to serve the whim of people, that I helped get there, have bought presents for, and was not asked to attend any events they attended.

In the end, the bed incident, which i thought would be minor, ended up being bigger than i thought to some. One person, decided not to go to sleep at all out of stubbornness, and the other person, who just was in to crash, took her spot on the bed, and i stayed on my designated sleeping spot. I woke up feeling awkward, kinda ashamed at the strife i apparently caused, but... i knew that i was in the right, and damnit... no-one went through any special trouble to make sure i was having a good time, so why should i give up my sleeping spot that i paid for...

My lesson learned, for that little event, is if i am going to be treated like a no-body, perhaps i should act like a nobody to those people and not try so hard to be a somebody. Afterall, no-bodies don't really have feelings. They don't exist...

That all being said, and un-necessary drama thrown aside. I had a very pleasant weekend. I got to hang out with my friends, spoke to some celebrities,looked at some truely awesome and lame costumes, laughed a lot, and helped throw a party in which 850 people showed up. (yes... 8 5 0...!) I didn't do everything i planned or wanted to do, but hey... it's dragoncon. I go to hang out with my fellow freaks and geeks! which is what it's all about! Also, i did all of this and only took 1 lorazepam the whole weekend...! (i NORMALLY take 4 - 10 depending on how i am feeling throughout the course of the convention)

Next time though, assuming there will be a next dragoncon... i will NOT make the same mistakes. Of that, I am certain!

update

I found the guy using his caller id name in myspace... i remember him now..

he said on the phone he's 27 and looks 23... he's kidding himself... he's 27 and looks 27...

i sent him a friend request... i hope i hadn't pissed him off too much... the fact is though... i don't think i want to deal with him at this moment in time... not right after last night's episode.

what to do what to do...

either way... today is probably not going to be a fun day. (positive outlook on life huh?... i am a mess!)

DIDs and DID NOTS...

I did not feel like meeting anyone tonight... despite that I DID...

He was a guy off the internet... and did present himself in 2 different places...

He DID have very provocative pictures which peaked my interest... he did not look exactly like his pictures in person.

He talked on the phone and was very nice

He, did tell me he was italian, and white... he did not tell me he was... italian and black... which normally wouldn't make a difference, but it threw me for a loop.

I did want to meet him... but i did not want to bring him here... he ended up coming here...

I did not want to "hook up" with him... *sigh* but i did...

He did finish... I did not...

I DID do a good job (yay me)... he did not...

I did compromise my morals in doing so... he did get what he wanted.

I did think, before meeting him... we could be more... after meeting him... i DO not think it will work...

Not because he is milato... i think because he both pushed my boundaries despite knowing i didn't want to, (and mad at myself for compromising!)... Lying about himself initially about his nationality. and... despite hooking up, not really feeling chemistry.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
on a different note... i got a call at 8:30 in the morning, which woke me up... It was someone whom i must have given my phone number to a while ago... he is latino and told me his name, but for the life of me, i cannot remember who he is... he wanted to see me and hang out... but that includes me picking him up and taking him with me...

he promised we would have fun... now... i never give out my phone number to people i don't like... but 8:30 in the morning... my brain is NOT sharp... and i don't know who he is.. i asked him to spell his profile name so that i could see his profile on the site we talked... all i heard (even after him repeating several times) was "n" "cat" "mar" "lat"

i asked how to spell it... and he just kept repeating the same thing... i asked him to sign on and send me a message... he kinda hung up the phone on me... probably frustrated... i have his name and number... but i am reluctant to call him and make a further ass of myself.

last night

Last night... i had a VERY cute guy (at least I thought he was cute) from online ask me out. His intention, which he made clear, was to go to a bar/club to meet and hang out, then go to a waffle house to get something to eat, then end up at my place for a little night cap. (he mentioned this when i said it would be cool to chill with someone... he said he had no intention of chilling, and then gave me his plans)

My defenses immediately kicked in.

First, i told him (who had a swimmer's build (very skinny)) that i was not. I was not skinny, thin, or even average build... (the pictures of me online at the site he found me at, were head shots only)... he responded by asking me out. (with all of the details from above)

I was shocked... but i was honestly not feeling well... by that time i had gone to the bathroom roughly 4 times, and it didn't feel like it was going to stop... (and it didn't)

So i simply told him tonight was not a good night (he talked to me at 8:43pm which means i didn't have time to prepare myself.) plus... going to a club, then waffle house, then home didn't sound all that great, especially in my condition. But ofcourse, i didn't want to give him gory details. So i simply said, i have to work late at night for a project that HAD to be done by this morning, which makes me feel bad, because, it was untrue... but i didn't want to put him off.

So after going back and forth, he said what's going on for tomorrow. So i told him... at the moment I have no plans... so he mentioned going out tomorrow night. Seeing no reason not to, (and hoping i would feel better, AND have enough time to plan) i mentioned that that sounded cool, and talked to him about a couple places in walking distance. He wanted to go to a different place, but he said what ever...

The thoughts going through my head are, he's either desperate to get laid, or he actually kinda likes me. I actually think it's a small combination of both.

He, is 31, has a job (though not a career) and is italian, and at least from his pictures, i think he's cute.

I am personally against hooking up... but my last attempt at sex didn't go very well, and i am also afraid that the same thing will happen. It's been so long since i have done anything, i am afraid nothing will work out right... then i'd feel horrible that he came all this way, and nothing really happened. I haven't gotten anyone off in so long... i don't know if i can do it anymore without practice.

I will definitely be writing about how things are going...

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Fast Forward to this morning...

With all of the shit that's been happening lately, i have decided, to really get rid of a lot of things from my life. my old RPG gaming books, old direct TV units... gay books, and things, i don't really have plans to utilize these things again... so... they really should go... I would like to sell them. I figured, make some money off of the things... but i really think i will just end up donating them. (if you can even donate such stuff...)

I am drained

Emotionally, physically, spiritually... i have more to write... but i don't have the energy... i will post tomorrow.

a sad situation...

I have had, and lost contact with a lot of friends over the years. Whether it was the fact that i left my old home town of Philadelphia, or they have left... (or they developed FFFS)

One such friend, had moved away, and we stayed in touch for a little while, then, lost touch. I tried to call him a couple times, but his phone number had changed... I checked his myspace page, but he hasn't been on since 2007.

Being the person I am... i decided to keep trying, not obsessively, but every once in a while when i would think of him, and wonder how he's doing, I would give it the ol' college try.

After a year, I finally found him using facebook. It was good to reach out to him, and when he got my letter, he reached back out. I wish it was all good news though...

After so much time, he has developed AIDS. (the last time i talked to him, he was unaware (or didn't tell me) that he was HIV positive. Now he has drastically low cell counts, and a brain tumor that won't go away. So it's too late for the drugs that keep HIV at bay to work.

This really makes me upset. He was always, and still is, a light in this world with an infectious laugh, wonderful smile, and a fabulous attitude towards life, even in the face of death, he's all about spending 3 hours making a bowl of pasta salad for a party.

To see a life as bright as his, soon to be snuffed out by something as stupid as AIDS (unless a miracle happens) is just upsetting. It makes me want to go and slap several people across the face to say, would you just cure this already?

This friend, however, always had a lax attitude towards sex, and we have had many a friendly argument about my "hookup" policy. (I don't do hookups, despite sometimes i REALLY want to) He always told me i should shed my fear of hooking up. My fear was always two fold, STDs and bashers/psychos. Thinking that something as simple as sex would get me killed one way or another. While it's possible that this attitude has put me in the place i am currently at (single and virtually dateless)

In a recent conversation, my friend said, perhaps, it was the right attitude to take. I don't know if it is, but i do know that in life, no risk = no reward. If i changed my hookup policy, i might not be single now, but then i might be sick as well... (or have some sort of public indecency record.)

Either way, i am glad i decided to hunt down my friend again. Our conversations, despite the bad news, have been awesome and makes me feel good for the time conversations we have had, and will still have... Even though he needs to get a land phone line because his cell phone always cuts out!!!

Letter to a former friend

The names have stripped. I wrote this because I need closure. Nothing else.

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Hi *****,

It took me a long time to decide to write this letter, and I don’t even know if you will read it, or just delete it. That’s up to you, but I feel as though I need to do this.

I am upset at you. Very upset. But I have decided instead of just sitting on it and waiting to confront you in person, which seems like it just won’t happen anymore, I need to say it.

It’s been since May since I have seen you, or spoken to you on the phone. I know it’s May because that’s when you took my laptop, and I was on the California Project. I don’t know what happened, why this friendship went south, but it did, and it’s upsetting to me.

I consider myself to be a reasonable, honest, trusting person. When it comes to you however, that trust has been betrayed on multiple levels. Some of the things I have noticed, are as follows:

1. You told me your mother has passed away. I remember this very clearly. You told me about the funeral and everything. That’s how you came to own everything, how you were left everything and your brother was left 1 dollar. You told me how everything changed.

I later find out, through a mistake from one of your friends, who will remain nameless, that your mother is infact alive. Why would you lie about something like that? To me or anyone else? That’s crazy and there was no reason for a lie of that magnitude.

2. My Laptop has been in your possession for roughly 4 months now. It was in complete working order when you received it. I even threw in a printer. It was $500, to try it out, and either give it back, or get me the money. Which you promised to do in a couple weeks. But since receiving the laptop, ALL communications with you, aside from an occasional VERY short email through myspace here and there, have stopped. I am assuming you have no intention of getting the laptop or the money back to me. I don’t know what to say about that, but… I hope that is not the case.

3. When I was making the peaches, and all of my friends did not show up to help, and you showed up that day, as I was finishing everything, you bragged about how you showed up and no-one else did. That was cool, but all other times you swore you would show up, for my brunch, for a day during the weekend, and numerous other occasions, you did not bother. I spent days waiting for you and not a phone call, not an email, not an IM. That took that one good day, and ruined it all, several times over. I don’t understand the reasoning, after confirming you were coming, (adamantly) you would stand me up like that. That’s not being a friend.

4. I have offered several times to come to your place. It’s difficult for me, but I have been thinking, why not… you come here often enough, so it’s only correct for me to do the same. However, when I mentioned this to you, and why you don’t invite me over, you mentioned there is too much drama at your house that you don’t want to subject me to.

This, to me, is a bullshit answer and seems like you are either trying to hide something, or something else is going on that you just aren’t proud of. Either way, I am (or at least was) your friend, and I have demonstrated on multiple occasions that you could trust me, after all of the advice you asked for. What is so terrible that you couldn’t invite me over?

5. I had tried to set a friend of mine that you happened to know with a job. **** and I were talking for quite some time. I am not sure what happened, but shortly thereafter, he broke off our friendship, stating that there were rumors going around Carrollton that he was having an affair with me. I don’t know how such a rumor started, but I know of only 3 people who live in your area, you, *******, and ****. ****, as far as I know, would have no reason to start such a rumor, as we have not met, and no plans to be sexual were going to take place. I respected his wishes so he can keep his relationship up with his boyfriend… but… it hurt me to see that happen, and the only thing I could rationalize is you starting that rumor.

I come to that conclusion because of all the things you have been saying about my good friend ****’s boyfriend. I don’t know if any of that is true, but my friend mike could not be happier and it seems like everything you said was just fabricated, and the fact that you pushed the issue every time I talked to you for a while, despite me saying, it’s not my business and I was not interested.

There are more reasons I could list, but I am afraid I have no more interest in bringing up other details. I have overlooked these things because, well, I thought you were my friend. Now you say you are sick, and just don’t want to be bothered with anything. Well… I understand that, but it’s been 4 months since I have received a phone call from you despite MULTIPLE emails, voicemails, and text messages left. That does send a message to me that you are no longer interested in being friends. I keep trying because I thought you were my friend and I don’t give up on friends easily, despite some of my other friends’ better judgment.

So… enough games… I have come clean and expect you to do the same. I leave it to you to make the next move. If any… I am just upset, and at the present time, with all the personal drama going on in my life, I just have no more energy to shout into the wind. The only thing I expect, is that I retrieve my property, which is the laptop and printer, or the money for said items. You don’t even have to see me, just drop whatever off at the front desk and I will get it from there. You mention all of the crime done to you in your business with people stealing things. I hope you will not commit the same act.

As far as writing back or maintaining the friendship. I leave that up to you, but I will say one thing, actions speak louder than words. Writing a 2 line letter will not cut it anymore to continue being friends. Despite what my other friends would say, I just don’t give up on people. So I will give you the chance to redeem yourself, if you even want to. If not, simply reply “no thanks” or “fuck off” or something to that effect, and I will get the hint, erase your numbers from my phone, remove your names from my IM lists, and remove you from my friend lists everywhere and that will be that. The choice is yours. Either way… the only thing I ask, is that you be honest.

-O

up to now

if you notice the time of this post... you will see it's before 7am. Why would I be up this early? Because i am trying to change my sleep schedule. I mean... I work from home, can set my own hours... so why the hell would i try and get up early? No reason.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I am concerned for one of my friends... my inner circle... She has been on a downward social spiral for years... constantly secluding herself from the world. She is taking solace in her cat, which is nice, but not at the expense of her friendships.

I had to take my laptop back to the store that i just recently bought to get the network card replaced. The store is half way between my place and hers. I gave her a call to tell her i was kinda in the area, and wanted to stop by to say hi. (even though it was out of my way)

She told me she wasn't fit for human consumption.

...

Since when do you have to be fit for human consumption for a friend? I am really concerned for her. She has a strong will when it comes to everyone she meets, with the exception of her mother. She does everything her mother says. She has no will to say anything against her mother, with whom she lives with. The problem is, she is starting to alienate most of her friends.

I am starting to evaluate my friendship with her. No... she is not someone I will drop as we have too much history. But... i have tried multiple attempts to help her out of this funk and I am now at a loss... I have no idea where to go from here. It upsets me to see her down, and she cries out for help... but shoots down every suggestion made with skewed logic... It only make sense to her, and I get tired of trying to reason with her when it comes to this.

I thought my mother was bad with her signature guilt trips. *shrug*

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The stories of my one... former inner circle friend just keep getting more extreme. He stopped answering my calls, and only answers one of 5 emails that i send him. He mentioned before that his mother was dead... which i found out was a lie.

Now he mentions he has cancer. *shrug* what do you do with someone like that... The only thing i can think of is to cut my losses and tell him good bye. *sad*

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This week i was stood up twice. Once for a dinner date and once for a lunch date. It makes me feel worse about myself. *sigh*

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

When someone reaches out to me for help, i tend to help them... I always try to do everything i can to help people to make sure that they get what they need, usually put my neck out on the line. Lately i have been trying to help someone to help someone who reached out to me, and now he seems to be apathetic.

It's really souring my attitude towards helping people.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The fitness thing is not doing well... I am keeping with the good eating habits... but the working out thing is doing bad. My issue is that I don't want to work out (at least in the beginning) while other people are there. It's a little neurotic, but its how i feel. I don't want people to look at me working out, and they probably aren't, but i think it's just a mental trick my mind is playing on me to stop myself from putting myself through the temporary pain.

Just another example of SIPT. Someone slap me.

sometimes... i just want to slap myself

So... we all have bad days. Everyone has them... Even the people who seem to be perfectly perky all of the time have days when they are... not so fresh...

Today, was a down day for me. I found myself having anxiety attacks today. Never a fun thing, but i have had them none the less. *sigh*

All day i have been just thinking negative thoughts about myself.

One of my fleeting thoughts were... what happened if i just cut myself off from the world. stay offline, don't answer phone calls, except work (because i have to pay the bills) and an occasional call to my parents... to see if anyone would miss me.

Well... ofcourse some people would miss me... so after i talked myself out of that little self pity social experiment, I got to thinking...

Why do i choose to make myself miserable all the time? Am i truely happiest when i am miserable, self degrading and looking for pity? I mean... no-one, including me, would like to admit such a fallacy... but is it possible? ... Well ofcourse its possible, but is it true?

It seems like it that's the truth. *shrug* I didn't title this blog Self Induced Psychological Trauma because i liked the way it looked.

Party and Aftermath

Yesterday was my Condo's block party. It was A LOT of work.

got set up early, running both food and equipment down to the pool area. The party was a success...

The food and alcohol lasted throughout the entire party. Which was my hope. The bands were excellent, and actually, we attracted the attention of several of the other highrise buildings in the area to listen to them.

All was going well... until the rain. During the second band, it started drizzling. Which was not a problem, until it really started raining heavily... So the band grabbed all their equipment and ran for cover It didn't seem like it was going to be long, so we waited for like 10 minutes (they wanted to keep playing)... So the rain let up and they started setting up their equipment again... and wouldn't you know it... the rain started up again. Just as hard as before.

That's when they called it. (we didn't stop the party though) So they packed all of their stuff up and left. Ofcourse, wouldn't you know it. About 4 minutes after they packed all of their stuff up, the sun came out... oh well.

After that, it was hot and muggy, everything was soaked, and it made for an interesting rest of the party. Oh... and one two other things that made the party, more memorable for me.

Flies... OMG... there were flies everywhere. Big ol' horse flies that we couldn't seem to get rid of, and they only got worse after the rain. I mentioned that we need bug lights or citronella candles out there or something, but alas, not available for this party. It didn't seem to bother everyone, but it grossed me out.

The other thing that made this very memorable for me were the guys. Most of the guys by the pool, wearing speedos... definitely had the right to!... they were HAWT! And did i get an eye full... Some of them were even nice and said hi as they walked by. Ofcourse, i had to continue helping out with the party, so i couldn't stop and stare, though i wanted to.

It also made me jealous, one of the guys there, who was extremely good looking and thin... ate like 4 hamburgers... I hate people with high metabolisms. It was either that or he was on tina or coke or something... *shrug*

Oh... and cleanup was a nightmare... with everything wet and soggy... YUCK. That plus my legs hurt from wearing my sandals all day, and i had a headache. It made for a very unpleasant clean up.

People didn't leave the party till like 9ish... and it was supposed to end at 7. So it was a success. People were saying it was the best party we have had. (even people who have lived in the building for 10+ years were saying that)

must... keep... will... power....

it's definitely not fun... this whole fitness thing. Since i have decided i am tired of looking at myself i am eating healthier (which isn't as difficult) and exercising (PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!!)

i wake up in the morning and try to push myself to get to the gym. I know it's important... it's just taking an IMMENSE mount of will to get there.

I am doing it.. but i'm not liking it.

day 1

Well... after being completely fed up with the way i look... and particularly when i had a look in a store's security camera, i have decided enough is enough...

It's time to lose weight... again...

and i am resolved in this! So... today is day 1... when i went to the store yesterday (grocery shopping) i bought a lot of weight watcher's frozen food and lean pocket stuff for lunches... and i bought a LOT of vegetables and healthy stuff to cook with, etc... so i can start making healthy choices...

this evening, i WILL be going to the gym and either doing cardio machines or swimming... one way or another... this is day 1 of, what will probably be, another long, hard road of masochism to lose weight and get healthier...

GRRRRRRR!

Odd dream

Well... I was debating on whether to mention this dream... because it was completely odd...

i was still a guy... but i was pregnant... and very pregnant... i was back up at home in PA... and like all dreams... things didn't quite connect. I was running around afraid to give birth of course running around telling everyone i was about to give birth.

well... i did end up giving birth... but of course, it was magic because on moment i was pregnant... the next moment i had 2 children, a boy and a girl. They both had dark curly hair and blue eyes. they were cute... and of course... they were more like toddlers than infants.

there was really no climax to the dream. The rest was actually quite embarrassing. I was going around bragging about my children and comparing notes to other mothers in my family. Then i woke up... i remembered this dream vividly...

ultimately, i will most likely never have kids unless someone asks me to donate... and i was asked a couple times, but, they have recanted their offer. *shrug* Oh well...

well... at least it was a nice dinner

I know i am a couple days late in posting... and that i haven't posted for a while... it just wasn't really on my mind... but i thought... well... i should post this...

On this past Sunday, i was standing in the lobby when one of the residents in the building "Joe" had come down. now... joe is adorable... i have seen him at the building socials and he's nice, cute, etc... and while he has made no remarks about his sexuality, the word on the street is he is gay. At the socials i see him hang around guys mostly, but he talks to anyone that will talk to him... like i said... nice guy.

Well being in the lobby, he stops as he's passing through and says, want to get something to eat later? !!!

he's asking me? I was kinda shocked... i am thinkin... hmmm... how to impress? I was like... well... i was planning on cooking tonight... how about coming over? He's like "sounds great, can i bring anything?" I said "nah... i got everything"

So... i went to the supermarket and thought, okay... what to make. I had thought of making chicken alfredo, but i needed to step it up a notch. So I made crab cakes, and mushroom fettuccini with shrimp alfredo (making sure to call him and ask if he was allergic to shell fish.)

So i start cooking and 6:00 rolls around. He comes down and we start chatting. I give him extra shrimp to nibble on before dinner starts... then everything is finished and we start eating...

The conversation goes here and there. but then we end up talking about cooking. He had asked if i had ever gone to cooking school... i told him i didn't think i needed it, because i learned all my cooking from my parents...

and that's when he said it. "I signed up at a local cooking class to meet girls, but i never ended up meeting any really."

...

ugh... that sexuality enigma was made clear... he was straight. that was a serious blow right in the kidney! but... i didn't show it, and we kept on having a nice conversation... in the end... he was just lookin for friends and people to hang out with. which is cool (but i would have made just chicken alfredo damnit!)

in the end, it was a nice dinner, and he left saying he would call me to let me know when he could return the favor. if i could only catch someone like Joe... *sigh*

such is life

... don't lie to me...

So... today... i caught one of my inner 6's tale of deception... through a friend... his boyfriend...

this lie was pretty big... and not one i would ever tell...

ya know... i try to be honest with everything i do... i don't always succeed, but i do try, and when all is said and done... everyone knows everything about me...

all anyone really has to do is read this blog. i may not use names... but names aren't important here...

So... when one of my friends, or aquaintances makes a claim, i accept it as fact...

I somewhat know this person, and what they are saying could be true. Rarely do i ask for proof, even if i don't believe it. Because if it makes my friend happier, than fine... ... until i get involved. Be it in the lie, or the fact that believing in the lie gets me emotionally involved with you.

When i find out that something is a lie, if it's small "yeah... i really thought you were ugly in that dress, though i didn't say anything" well... i just don't care...

If it's big "yeah... i have 3 kids and a husband who all abuse me, i am getting fired from work, and I don't have anyone else to turn to... will you be my friend?" That's when i get pissed... especially when i find out that you aren't married, have no kids at all, and no job, because you're too lazy to get off your ass to go get one...!

Now... the truth and lie that were presented were only samples... that was not the lie i caught someone in... and i am sure he now knows i know his secret... but i have not confronted him on it... yet...

But i do this thing... where i have the whole confrontation in my head... talking back and forth to myself as to why someone would have had the audacity to commit such a falsehood...

For this... i came up with 30 reasons, none of them good or acceptable...

When i do confront him... and ofcourse i will... if he doesn't:

1. come clean with the truth
2. explain (satisfactorally) why he lied in the first place
3. present a convincing apology

Then that's it... no more... end of discussion... i hate to lose you, but if you can't respect me to tell me the truth, i certainly don't need or want you anymore. I tell everyone what's going on... probably more than anyone wants to hear... if you lie to me in return... and part of our friendship is based upon that lie... how could i ever trust you again... furthermore... how could i even like you anymore, when the traits that i like you, could also be based off of lies... whether or not they came out in the wash as well...

my devil's advocate was 100% right... people suck... and i am out of blood... and patience... and you... are out of time.

...

Despite the fact I label myself as VERY self aware, I know what my issues are, and some of them i even know how to deal with (some of them)...

Yet, for all my heightened self awareness, knowing my thought/mental patterns, knowing what i want to do in certain situations (and actually what I WOULD do) there is a point that makes me think... God... i am stupid...

and i know this...

my anxiety level is super high today. This, however is not being brought on by just random levels of brain chemicals... no my friends... this is brought about by my sheer stupidity from the past, and the consequences of those actions... Pertaining to work...

All day i had this horrible tension in my back. 4 weeks and still no project. *sigh* What's even worse... the one project I thought i would be a sure win on... i have not been picked for...

...

I mentioned this to my boss... "I hear the Phoenix project is ramping up... I haven't heard anything about it, am I on tap to go?"

There was a LONG pause... (and there was some introductory conversation before that question, so i KNOW he was paying attention!)

He said, "I know you have a background in this, but we are using technical people a little closer to the subject matter" (the people who make the software that is being implemented)

"That is completely understandable"

"How is your training coming along, you know, it's important to use this down time to get training!"

I happily typed "great! I have signed up for a couple courses, (which i rattled off) and have a couple more planned, but there doesn't seem to be any technical classes available"

"well... you really need to develop your communication skills, so stick with that..."

"no problem, I will just continue on my present course then"

"oh... by the way, do you know sharepoint?"

I sighed "no, I don't, it's training that was recommended to me though"

"okay... we will talk about it in tomorrow's meeting"

"okay... talk to you then."

My heart couldn't have sunk any lower. I feel as though, my boss is EXTREMELY dissappointed in me, and is now gun-shy on sending me out to any other project...

even just typing this entry is making me want to curl up into a little ball and die. I feel so worthless and stupid. Like I have no good traits left in me. I mean... I know i overreact, and this is probably no exception. I am also sure, that in a company of 80,000 employees, someone else must have gone through the same thing i am going through... but they are not me. I am my own biggest dissappointment.

*sigh*

I thought i could take some of this nervous, pent up energy and go swimming. I just ended up stressed, and tired. god... i am so out of shape...

...

then... just as i am about to reach a point where i can cry and let it out. i get a call from my cousin about the script we wrote. She had a meeting with a casting director in the business, and he does know a thing or two, having worked on several big films (ocean's 11, etc...).

He loved the script and wants to see it be made, and he would like to be part of it.

Son of a bitch... just as i was hoping to get to the lowest point... i get good news... I was happy for my cousin, really (the script is more her project than mine) but it wasn't enough to bring me out of my down mood. but it brought me up just enough to make me want to go lower to get it out of my system.

is it me, or does that sound completely fucked up???

I told you... i am very self aware... i just can't seem to do anything about it...

PEOPLE SUCK!

Yet another person on my list of aquaintances has decided to give me the silent treatment. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I know i know i know... i am better off without them. But GOD DAMNIT I deserve an explanation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

apparently, they do not think so... well... to him, and all others who follow this same, path... not only to me... but to anyone... i simply say...

Fuck you, with a 14th century, rusty mace... UP THE NOSE!

The lack of respect sucks... and you people suck even more... you suck like a vampire with his fangs all out.

you are not worth my time anymore.

... yet another post about friends...

ofcourse... i will take different aspects.

This applies... to everyone outside of the 6 mentioned before...

It seems as though, lately, a lot of my new friends demonstrate the same "I'm gonna ignore you" attitude as some of the friends who i am on the verge of losing...

My one, intelligent, devil's advocate, puts it into 2 words

"people suck!"

very true... but you know... not all of my new friends behave this way.

Ya know... for as much as I am trying to pull away from playing online games... everyone i meet there, is always happy to see me, always makes a point to say hi, misses me and sends emails when i don't log on for a while, laugh at my corny jokes... and truely exhibit qualities i wish most of my acquaintances (friends) would show. Ofcourse... the issue is... they are all over the place... not a single one lives near me to get together, though we mention getting together all the time. (I think i convinced one to come to dragoncon!)

They reach out to me... i don't have to call them, write them to say hi, text them, etc... and the ONLY thing they expect is my time. Which revolves around playing a game and having fun.

Almost EVERYONE else in my Acquaintance list (and even like 1 in my inner circle) exhibits none of these traits... Whenever i meet someone else through online means... OR in real life, being introduced to a friend or just saying hi... that friendship usually lasts no more than 2 weeks before they give me the silent treatment... some of my videogame friends have lasted years...

why? I don't know.....

AND... i am trying to make a conscious effort to spend less time playing video games and more time on real life... foresaking those, whos actions, tell me that they should be closer to my inner circle than my acquaintances. (now granted... not everyone i meet online behaves this way... but most of the ones who i have made friends with do)

And no-one can say i don't try and cultivate my real life friendships. I am always calling people or sending them messages to see how they are doing... i am ALWAYS inviting people over for parties or dinner... and... whenever i am invited somewhere for an event, or even an open invitation, i always attempt to make an appearance... (when i am invited)...

*sigh* Do i commit to spending less time online...? Or keep throwing myself into a world, that doesn't really care one way or another...?

In the words of one of the most intelligent people i know......

"People Suck!"

UGH... low cycle again...

I am on a low cycle again... What does this mean?

Excessive Tiredness
Lack of Willpower
Low Cognition
Overall Depression

It sucks... At least I am not on a project though. That's never fun...

Last night i had bad acid reflux... was NOT fun. Though i believe i can attribute it to chinese food last night. I got it from a new place and it seemed to be excessively greasy.

On a different note... i am trying to take little steps to get myself back in shape... Since i sit in front of the computer so much (which is something i have to start pulling away from... I got a small set of weights... one of those sets that 2 sets of dumbels go from 2.5 to 25 lbs by adjusting them. I figured I can do arm curls or something while just sitting there... I started it yesterday... my arms are feeling it a little today... so maybe it's a good thing...

I was going to start the gym this morning... but the lack of sleep... and willpower... i just can't get motivated... Do they make motivational pills...

I told my friend yesterday... if it wasn't so dangerous... i would go on the crystal meth diet. People on it tend to be super skinny... but i don't like taking my own drugs and am afraid to smoke weed... the last thing i will do is do something hard core that could affect my overall anxiety... or get me fired...

*sigh*

Two tops don't make a bottom

Why do i seem to attract only top guys...?

I am not a bottom... i don't pretend to be a bottom, and from what i understand... i don't ACT like a bottom or give off "bottom" vibes...

WHY then do i keep attracting tops...

to me... the top/bottom issue is not even a factor... because i choose... well... different paths to pleasure...

but it is always an issue with them... getting along great... everything goes smoothly, all of a suddent the top/bottom issue gets mentioned... i mention i am a top... he says he is a top too... and he pulls away. ...

WHY? gay life is not built around anal copulation people!!!

whatever... that routine gets just as old as... "you're not my type"

more dreams

So... i had some more interesting dreams last night... i say dreams... because i woke up in between the two and they changed...

Dream 1...

A terrorist attack hit NYC again... not through planes... just a blowing up of a building. The Empire State Building to be exact. I read in an article yesterday (outside of the dream ofcourse) that the UAE owns 75% of that building. NYers were upset ofcourse. So in my dream, my logic was, that they bought it to blow up another landmark building. And it wasn't a clean blowup either. They toppled it into another building causing more wide spread chaos.

I had just happened to be in NY at the time to witness the event... ofcourse it made me furious. But ofcourse there was nothing i could do. So I just consoled people the best i could. The damage was done, and there were no survivors.


Dream 2...

There was some sort of pressing need to get some carnival prizes. So where do you go to get carnival prizes.. To a carnival ofcourse. Me... and a couple of my female cousins decided to go to a carnival. We were looking for a couple of the carnival games and they were hidden in a local barn. You needed a ticket to get in... I had no cash, but i did see the ticket booth took master card and visa... I didn't get a ticket though and decided to sneak in to the barn anyway.

I looked around and saw a bunch of the typical games, throw the darts at the balloons, ring toss, etc.. I did notice that there were people... specifically kids... trying to block the darts... i was kinda worried, but they looked like they were having fun and no-one else seemed to mind, so i left it alone. One of my cousins made it a point to show me a game "stall" where the prizes were posters of super buff naked guys... She pointed it out to me and i noticed all of the Georgia country folk turning their attention to me... Safety's sake told me to move on... so i said... "that's nice" and decided to get out of there. The lady at the door (who wasn't there before) noticed as i was leaving, that i sneaked in... but didn't do anything about it.

I remember coming into the carnival, that half of the rides were closed down. I saw a tilt-a-whirl and scrambler and i was upset when they weren't turned on (before i went into the barn) Coming out of the barn, i noticed they were on. So i decided to buy some tickets.

The rides were 5 tickets a piece. So I wanted to buy 50 tickets. They only seemed to sell tickets in $1 and $5 denominations. So they were trying to sell me $250 worth of tickets (now... it is important to note that when i am awake... ofcourse i know that 5x5=25... I am REALLY surprised that my dream could do the correct math that fast)... I told them no... I just want 50 tickets, but in $5 chunks... they said i had to buy $1 tickets then... I argued the point.

She finally agreed to accept the $50 of $1 tickets when low and behold... i noticed a storm of press in the field of cars behind me. All attention of everyone turned to it and I was curious myself. It was... and I have no idea why... Barack Obama was on a campaign tour and decided to stop at the fairground. I was kinda curious to meet him ofcourse... and my curiosity was sated... as he made a B-line right for the ticket booth.

A midst a sea of photographer flashes, he went behind the booth to sell me my tickets... He asked how i was doing and stuff... once he stamped my tickets as valid, he walked away to talk to other people in true campaign form... and I noticed... i never got my credit card back... So I walked back over to the scrambler... but when i got there... it wasn't there... just people lined up on benches to see Barack speak.

He left and i said... see you soon mr future president... and he left... and i woke up. (it is also important to note... that while i will be voting for him... I don't particularly like him. I just happen to like him better than McCain.)

end of my dreams... interesting huh? strange...