always wishing i was something i am not

Lately, i have been in contact with a couple guys... all of whom are out of the area, that i think are very cute, that are interested in me. The feeling, is mutual, but ofcourse, i have been through the whole long distance relationship thing before and i am not happy with the arrangements and situations it causes.

I am missing something in my life... at the moment... it's physical contact... not sex... but hugs, kisses, and cuddling. It's something my being is crying out for... as i have always been affectionate, but living on my own, with very few friends coming to visit, (and in their defense, i don't always rush out to visit them) i find that i just am not getting any of the physical contact that i require.

That's where long distance relationships, for me, go south. There is that missing of contact, and it's not fun at all. I can allow myself to get very emotional with people i have not seen. (i have done that in the past, WAY too often) and i have been lonely. I only ever speak to 2 friends on a regular basis now, and everyone else on a random schedule.

A couple people tell me i need to put myself out there... and i know this is true... and that the people who are chatting with me, i feel have real potential for moving forward, (YES i know i don't know them all that well... so be quiet!)

so... how does this deal with the Title of the blog?... well...

i am finding that my relationships mostly leave me high and dry at the moment... i would like to be the type of person that can both find the courage to get out there, OR, the courage to be what people want me to be. What does that mean? it means if i was thinner, had a little more attitude, a little less on the anxiety/worry piece... i could probably land a good guy. If i wasn't such a geek, into sci-fi and fantasy, into video games and such... i could probably get a lot of chances from more people, than i get now.

I am not saying that there is nothing good about myself. I feel i have a big heart, i have a wonderful family (up in PA), i have a decent job, i love to make people laugh, my friends tell me i am an excellent cook/baker. I have some good qualities, but i always see myself as working with tools i don't have...

So what does that mean? well... i always see myself as younger... not that i am 18 or something... but i guess since i have always been into video games, and fantasy movies, cartoons, comedies (a little on the immature humor side) I always find myself being attracted to younger guys... both physically and mentally, and while i know i am not old... i feel as though i should just be turning like 26 instead of turning 33.

i always feel as though i am just chasing after being something i am not... it's not that i don't accept myself... i just wish i was something else... *shrug*

Either way... i am just kinda a little down about the whole situation. I hope something comes out of the relationships i am attempting to cultivate... but... we will see.