addiction... and random feelings as of late

I have noticed the latest addiction of mine getting worse. It's the need for communication.

I have found myself lately, waking up in the morning, and the first thing i do, is put on the laptop to check my email, myspace and facebook messages to see if anyone wrote me. Then i sign onto yahoo messenger, and eventually AIM to start chatting the day away.

My day, as well, ends in the same position, until i feel tired enough to get to sleep, i find myself chatting and sending messages to friends. Trying to self analyze this latest addiction, i know it's not the medium i am addicted to, but what it does.

Since I have been working from home, i find my interaction with people negligible. I do work from home, and keep wanting to push myself to go into the office, but since the gas prices are so high ($4.24+) in my area, I cannot justify it.

I do, venture out of my place, downstairs to talk to the locals, and i have a good working relationship with them. They are always happy to see me and are eager to spread the daily gossip. I do enjoy the live interaction, and seek it out, but it's only a small handful of people, and they are considered friends... but none of them are gay friends.

I find myself drawn to the net, and to these social and chat programs because i really need the interaction with gay people, and there i find myself living in a world where guys actually like me, and chat the time away.

So... when i am missing human interaction, why don't i go to places like bars and clubs and interact?

Because it doesn't work. When i do go to bars and clubs, i end up sitting at the bar, by myself... either nursing a single drink... or something as lame as a soda, and just talk to the bartender when he comes by to say "is everything ok?"

No-one ever approaches me, i can only assume, especially coming from the low self esteem point of view... that it's the way i look. I am un-approachable, because, people don't want to approach me. When i go out, i usually dress comfortably, but not horribly. My clothes are never a mess, always clean, and i usually have a smile on my face as i watch the rest of the bar patrons. So i don't go there (usually) with a miserable attitude. But yet, when i do go... nothing... not so much as a hi.

Which brings me to my next topic. Why do guys online, seem to like nice guys... but guys in real life... only like pretty guys. Who wants a nice guy? I see these people looking for long term relationships (all of the Philippines apparently) and guys who are far away.

I see these guys in my local area, my RL friends getting together and getting boyfriends and think... why can't that be me. Why do all my friends, and guys who like nice guys, live far away.

I kinda feel a little like Ted from Queer as Folk. Who's biggest organ was his heart... but no-one cared about the size of that organ...

But, of course, at the same time... i am not actively pursuing the local people who are pursuing me, because, well... i would rather remain friends... How messed up is that... The guys I want, don't want me... the guys i don't want... want me... and i feel like a jerk because i don't feel for them the same way they feel about me.

And it's not all about the looks either. Some of them are really cute, but we have personality clashes... Or just general personality discord... not a clash per say, just... doesn't go together, parallel, but never to join.

My mother has a remedy for me, don't worry about anyone else and just concentrate on myself. It's good advice. If only i could really take it to heart. *shrug*

Wow... this entry has gone on long enough... and i have to get to work... well... start working... Today I have to dispute roughly $6500 worth of credit card charges because someone lifted my card number and decided to take $700 taxi rides around the city... which ofcourse are not true. So i have to fill out that affidavit and stuff...

anyhow... later!