...

Despite the fact I label myself as VERY self aware, I know what my issues are, and some of them i even know how to deal with (some of them)...

Yet, for all my heightened self awareness, knowing my thought/mental patterns, knowing what i want to do in certain situations (and actually what I WOULD do) there is a point that makes me think... God... i am stupid...

and i know this...

my anxiety level is super high today. This, however is not being brought on by just random levels of brain chemicals... no my friends... this is brought about by my sheer stupidity from the past, and the consequences of those actions... Pertaining to work...

All day i had this horrible tension in my back. 4 weeks and still no project. *sigh* What's even worse... the one project I thought i would be a sure win on... i have not been picked for...

...

I mentioned this to my boss... "I hear the Phoenix project is ramping up... I haven't heard anything about it, am I on tap to go?"

There was a LONG pause... (and there was some introductory conversation before that question, so i KNOW he was paying attention!)

He said, "I know you have a background in this, but we are using technical people a little closer to the subject matter" (the people who make the software that is being implemented)

"That is completely understandable"

"How is your training coming along, you know, it's important to use this down time to get training!"

I happily typed "great! I have signed up for a couple courses, (which i rattled off) and have a couple more planned, but there doesn't seem to be any technical classes available"

"well... you really need to develop your communication skills, so stick with that..."

"no problem, I will just continue on my present course then"

"oh... by the way, do you know sharepoint?"

I sighed "no, I don't, it's training that was recommended to me though"

"okay... we will talk about it in tomorrow's meeting"

"okay... talk to you then."

My heart couldn't have sunk any lower. I feel as though, my boss is EXTREMELY dissappointed in me, and is now gun-shy on sending me out to any other project...

even just typing this entry is making me want to curl up into a little ball and die. I feel so worthless and stupid. Like I have no good traits left in me. I mean... I know i overreact, and this is probably no exception. I am also sure, that in a company of 80,000 employees, someone else must have gone through the same thing i am going through... but they are not me. I am my own biggest dissappointment.

*sigh*

I thought i could take some of this nervous, pent up energy and go swimming. I just ended up stressed, and tired. god... i am so out of shape...

...

then... just as i am about to reach a point where i can cry and let it out. i get a call from my cousin about the script we wrote. She had a meeting with a casting director in the business, and he does know a thing or two, having worked on several big films (ocean's 11, etc...).

He loved the script and wants to see it be made, and he would like to be part of it.

Son of a bitch... just as i was hoping to get to the lowest point... i get good news... I was happy for my cousin, really (the script is more her project than mine) but it wasn't enough to bring me out of my down mood. but it brought me up just enough to make me want to go lower to get it out of my system.

is it me, or does that sound completely fucked up???

I told you... i am very self aware... i just can't seem to do anything about it...