So... today... i caught one of my inner 6's tale of deception... through a friend... his boyfriend...
this lie was pretty big... and not one i would ever tell...
ya know... i try to be honest with everything i do... i don't always succeed, but i do try, and when all is said and done... everyone knows everything about me...
all anyone really has to do is read this blog. i may not use names... but names aren't important here...
So... when one of my friends, or aquaintances makes a claim, i accept it as fact...
I somewhat know this person, and what they are saying could be true. Rarely do i ask for proof, even if i don't believe it. Because if it makes my friend happier, than fine... ... until i get involved. Be it in the lie, or the fact that believing in the lie gets me emotionally involved with you.
When i find out that something is a lie, if it's small "yeah... i really thought you were ugly in that dress, though i didn't say anything" well... i just don't care...
If it's big "yeah... i have 3 kids and a husband who all abuse me, i am getting fired from work, and I don't have anyone else to turn to... will you be my friend?" That's when i get pissed... especially when i find out that you aren't married, have no kids at all, and no job, because you're too lazy to get off your ass to go get one...!
Now... the truth and lie that were presented were only samples... that was not the lie i caught someone in... and i am sure he now knows i know his secret... but i have not confronted him on it... yet...
But i do this thing... where i have the whole confrontation in my head... talking back and forth to myself as to why someone would have had the audacity to commit such a falsehood...
For this... i came up with 30 reasons, none of them good or acceptable...
When i do confront him... and ofcourse i will... if he doesn't:
1. come clean with the truth
2. explain (satisfactorally) why he lied in the first place
3. present a convincing apology
Then that's it... no more... end of discussion... i hate to lose you, but if you can't respect me to tell me the truth, i certainly don't need or want you anymore. I tell everyone what's going on... probably more than anyone wants to hear... if you lie to me in return... and part of our friendship is based upon that lie... how could i ever trust you again... furthermore... how could i even like you anymore, when the traits that i like you, could also be based off of lies... whether or not they came out in the wash as well...
my devil's advocate was 100% right... people suck... and i am out of blood... and patience... and you... are out of time.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
...
Despite the fact I label myself as VERY self aware, I know what my issues are, and some of them i even know how to deal with (some of them)...
Yet, for all my heightened self awareness, knowing my thought/mental patterns, knowing what i want to do in certain situations (and actually what I WOULD do) there is a point that makes me think... God... i am stupid...
and i know this...
my anxiety level is super high today. This, however is not being brought on by just random levels of brain chemicals... no my friends... this is brought about by my sheer stupidity from the past, and the consequences of those actions... Pertaining to work...
All day i had this horrible tension in my back. 4 weeks and still no project. *sigh* What's even worse... the one project I thought i would be a sure win on... i have not been picked for...
...
I mentioned this to my boss... "I hear the Phoenix project is ramping up... I haven't heard anything about it, am I on tap to go?"
There was a LONG pause... (and there was some introductory conversation before that question, so i KNOW he was paying attention!)
He said, "I know you have a background in this, but we are using technical people a little closer to the subject matter" (the people who make the software that is being implemented)
"That is completely understandable"
"How is your training coming along, you know, it's important to use this down time to get training!"
I happily typed "great! I have signed up for a couple courses, (which i rattled off) and have a couple more planned, but there doesn't seem to be any technical classes available"
"well... you really need to develop your communication skills, so stick with that..."
"no problem, I will just continue on my present course then"
"oh... by the way, do you know sharepoint?"
I sighed "no, I don't, it's training that was recommended to me though"
"okay... we will talk about it in tomorrow's meeting"
"okay... talk to you then."
My heart couldn't have sunk any lower. I feel as though, my boss is EXTREMELY dissappointed in me, and is now gun-shy on sending me out to any other project...
even just typing this entry is making me want to curl up into a little ball and die. I feel so worthless and stupid. Like I have no good traits left in me. I mean... I know i overreact, and this is probably no exception. I am also sure, that in a company of 80,000 employees, someone else must have gone through the same thing i am going through... but they are not me. I am my own biggest dissappointment.
*sigh*
I thought i could take some of this nervous, pent up energy and go swimming. I just ended up stressed, and tired. god... i am so out of shape...
...
then... just as i am about to reach a point where i can cry and let it out. i get a call from my cousin about the script we wrote. She had a meeting with a casting director in the business, and he does know a thing or two, having worked on several big films (ocean's 11, etc...).
He loved the script and wants to see it be made, and he would like to be part of it.
Son of a bitch... just as i was hoping to get to the lowest point... i get good news... I was happy for my cousin, really (the script is more her project than mine) but it wasn't enough to bring me out of my down mood. but it brought me up just enough to make me want to go lower to get it out of my system.
is it me, or does that sound completely fucked up???
I told you... i am very self aware... i just can't seem to do anything about it...
Yet, for all my heightened self awareness, knowing my thought/mental patterns, knowing what i want to do in certain situations (and actually what I WOULD do) there is a point that makes me think... God... i am stupid...
and i know this...
my anxiety level is super high today. This, however is not being brought on by just random levels of brain chemicals... no my friends... this is brought about by my sheer stupidity from the past, and the consequences of those actions... Pertaining to work...
All day i had this horrible tension in my back. 4 weeks and still no project. *sigh* What's even worse... the one project I thought i would be a sure win on... i have not been picked for...
...
I mentioned this to my boss... "I hear the Phoenix project is ramping up... I haven't heard anything about it, am I on tap to go?"
There was a LONG pause... (and there was some introductory conversation before that question, so i KNOW he was paying attention!)
He said, "I know you have a background in this, but we are using technical people a little closer to the subject matter" (the people who make the software that is being implemented)
"That is completely understandable"
"How is your training coming along, you know, it's important to use this down time to get training!"
I happily typed "great! I have signed up for a couple courses, (which i rattled off) and have a couple more planned, but there doesn't seem to be any technical classes available"
"well... you really need to develop your communication skills, so stick with that..."
"no problem, I will just continue on my present course then"
"oh... by the way, do you know sharepoint?"
I sighed "no, I don't, it's training that was recommended to me though"
"okay... we will talk about it in tomorrow's meeting"
"okay... talk to you then."
My heart couldn't have sunk any lower. I feel as though, my boss is EXTREMELY dissappointed in me, and is now gun-shy on sending me out to any other project...
even just typing this entry is making me want to curl up into a little ball and die. I feel so worthless and stupid. Like I have no good traits left in me. I mean... I know i overreact, and this is probably no exception. I am also sure, that in a company of 80,000 employees, someone else must have gone through the same thing i am going through... but they are not me. I am my own biggest dissappointment.
*sigh*
I thought i could take some of this nervous, pent up energy and go swimming. I just ended up stressed, and tired. god... i am so out of shape...
...
then... just as i am about to reach a point where i can cry and let it out. i get a call from my cousin about the script we wrote. She had a meeting with a casting director in the business, and he does know a thing or two, having worked on several big films (ocean's 11, etc...).
He loved the script and wants to see it be made, and he would like to be part of it.
Son of a bitch... just as i was hoping to get to the lowest point... i get good news... I was happy for my cousin, really (the script is more her project than mine) but it wasn't enough to bring me out of my down mood. but it brought me up just enough to make me want to go lower to get it out of my system.
is it me, or does that sound completely fucked up???
I told you... i am very self aware... i just can't seem to do anything about it...
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
PEOPLE SUCK!
Yet another person on my list of aquaintances has decided to give me the silent treatment. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I know i know i know... i am better off without them. But GOD DAMNIT I deserve an explanation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
apparently, they do not think so... well... to him, and all others who follow this same, path... not only to me... but to anyone... i simply say...
Fuck you, with a 14th century, rusty mace... UP THE NOSE!
The lack of respect sucks... and you people suck even more... you suck like a vampire with his fangs all out.
you are not worth my time anymore.
I know i know i know... i am better off without them. But GOD DAMNIT I deserve an explanation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
apparently, they do not think so... well... to him, and all others who follow this same, path... not only to me... but to anyone... i simply say...
Fuck you, with a 14th century, rusty mace... UP THE NOSE!
The lack of respect sucks... and you people suck even more... you suck like a vampire with his fangs all out.
you are not worth my time anymore.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
... yet another post about friends...
ofcourse... i will take different aspects.
This applies... to everyone outside of the 6 mentioned before...
It seems as though, lately, a lot of my new friends demonstrate the same "I'm gonna ignore you" attitude as some of the friends who i am on the verge of losing...
My one, intelligent, devil's advocate, puts it into 2 words
"people suck!"
very true... but you know... not all of my new friends behave this way.
Ya know... for as much as I am trying to pull away from playing online games... everyone i meet there, is always happy to see me, always makes a point to say hi, misses me and sends emails when i don't log on for a while, laugh at my corny jokes... and truely exhibit qualities i wish most of my acquaintances (friends) would show. Ofcourse... the issue is... they are all over the place... not a single one lives near me to get together, though we mention getting together all the time. (I think i convinced one to come to dragoncon!)
They reach out to me... i don't have to call them, write them to say hi, text them, etc... and the ONLY thing they expect is my time. Which revolves around playing a game and having fun.
Almost EVERYONE else in my Acquaintance list (and even like 1 in my inner circle) exhibits none of these traits... Whenever i meet someone else through online means... OR in real life, being introduced to a friend or just saying hi... that friendship usually lasts no more than 2 weeks before they give me the silent treatment... some of my videogame friends have lasted years...
why? I don't know.....
AND... i am trying to make a conscious effort to spend less time playing video games and more time on real life... foresaking those, whos actions, tell me that they should be closer to my inner circle than my acquaintances. (now granted... not everyone i meet online behaves this way... but most of the ones who i have made friends with do)
And no-one can say i don't try and cultivate my real life friendships. I am always calling people or sending them messages to see how they are doing... i am ALWAYS inviting people over for parties or dinner... and... whenever i am invited somewhere for an event, or even an open invitation, i always attempt to make an appearance... (when i am invited)...
*sigh* Do i commit to spending less time online...? Or keep throwing myself into a world, that doesn't really care one way or another...?
In the words of one of the most intelligent people i know......
"People Suck!"
This applies... to everyone outside of the 6 mentioned before...
It seems as though, lately, a lot of my new friends demonstrate the same "I'm gonna ignore you" attitude as some of the friends who i am on the verge of losing...
My one, intelligent, devil's advocate, puts it into 2 words
"people suck!"
very true... but you know... not all of my new friends behave this way.
Ya know... for as much as I am trying to pull away from playing online games... everyone i meet there, is always happy to see me, always makes a point to say hi, misses me and sends emails when i don't log on for a while, laugh at my corny jokes... and truely exhibit qualities i wish most of my acquaintances (friends) would show. Ofcourse... the issue is... they are all over the place... not a single one lives near me to get together, though we mention getting together all the time. (I think i convinced one to come to dragoncon!)
They reach out to me... i don't have to call them, write them to say hi, text them, etc... and the ONLY thing they expect is my time. Which revolves around playing a game and having fun.
Almost EVERYONE else in my Acquaintance list (and even like 1 in my inner circle) exhibits none of these traits... Whenever i meet someone else through online means... OR in real life, being introduced to a friend or just saying hi... that friendship usually lasts no more than 2 weeks before they give me the silent treatment... some of my videogame friends have lasted years...
why? I don't know.....
AND... i am trying to make a conscious effort to spend less time playing video games and more time on real life... foresaking those, whos actions, tell me that they should be closer to my inner circle than my acquaintances. (now granted... not everyone i meet online behaves this way... but most of the ones who i have made friends with do)
And no-one can say i don't try and cultivate my real life friendships. I am always calling people or sending them messages to see how they are doing... i am ALWAYS inviting people over for parties or dinner... and... whenever i am invited somewhere for an event, or even an open invitation, i always attempt to make an appearance... (when i am invited)...
*sigh* Do i commit to spending less time online...? Or keep throwing myself into a world, that doesn't really care one way or another...?
In the words of one of the most intelligent people i know......
"People Suck!"
Monday, July 14, 2008
UGH... low cycle again...
I am on a low cycle again... What does this mean?
Excessive Tiredness
Lack of Willpower
Low Cognition
Overall Depression
It sucks... At least I am not on a project though. That's never fun...
Last night i had bad acid reflux... was NOT fun. Though i believe i can attribute it to chinese food last night. I got it from a new place and it seemed to be excessively greasy.
On a different note... i am trying to take little steps to get myself back in shape... Since i sit in front of the computer so much (which is something i have to start pulling away from... I got a small set of weights... one of those sets that 2 sets of dumbels go from 2.5 to 25 lbs by adjusting them. I figured I can do arm curls or something while just sitting there... I started it yesterday... my arms are feeling it a little today... so maybe it's a good thing...
I was going to start the gym this morning... but the lack of sleep... and willpower... i just can't get motivated... Do they make motivational pills...
I told my friend yesterday... if it wasn't so dangerous... i would go on the crystal meth diet. People on it tend to be super skinny... but i don't like taking my own drugs and am afraid to smoke weed... the last thing i will do is do something hard core that could affect my overall anxiety... or get me fired...
*sigh*
Excessive Tiredness
Lack of Willpower
Low Cognition
Overall Depression
It sucks... At least I am not on a project though. That's never fun...
Last night i had bad acid reflux... was NOT fun. Though i believe i can attribute it to chinese food last night. I got it from a new place and it seemed to be excessively greasy.
On a different note... i am trying to take little steps to get myself back in shape... Since i sit in front of the computer so much (which is something i have to start pulling away from... I got a small set of weights... one of those sets that 2 sets of dumbels go from 2.5 to 25 lbs by adjusting them. I figured I can do arm curls or something while just sitting there... I started it yesterday... my arms are feeling it a little today... so maybe it's a good thing...
I was going to start the gym this morning... but the lack of sleep... and willpower... i just can't get motivated... Do they make motivational pills...
I told my friend yesterday... if it wasn't so dangerous... i would go on the crystal meth diet. People on it tend to be super skinny... but i don't like taking my own drugs and am afraid to smoke weed... the last thing i will do is do something hard core that could affect my overall anxiety... or get me fired...
*sigh*
Friday, July 11, 2008
Two tops don't make a bottom
Why do i seem to attract only top guys...?
I am not a bottom... i don't pretend to be a bottom, and from what i understand... i don't ACT like a bottom or give off "bottom" vibes...
WHY then do i keep attracting tops...
to me... the top/bottom issue is not even a factor... because i choose... well... different paths to pleasure...
but it is always an issue with them... getting along great... everything goes smoothly, all of a suddent the top/bottom issue gets mentioned... i mention i am a top... he says he is a top too... and he pulls away. ...
WHY? gay life is not built around anal copulation people!!!
whatever... that routine gets just as old as... "you're not my type"
I am not a bottom... i don't pretend to be a bottom, and from what i understand... i don't ACT like a bottom or give off "bottom" vibes...
WHY then do i keep attracting tops...
to me... the top/bottom issue is not even a factor... because i choose... well... different paths to pleasure...
but it is always an issue with them... getting along great... everything goes smoothly, all of a suddent the top/bottom issue gets mentioned... i mention i am a top... he says he is a top too... and he pulls away. ...
WHY? gay life is not built around anal copulation people!!!
whatever... that routine gets just as old as... "you're not my type"
more dreams
So... i had some more interesting dreams last night... i say dreams... because i woke up in between the two and they changed...
Dream 1...
A terrorist attack hit NYC again... not through planes... just a blowing up of a building. The Empire State Building to be exact. I read in an article yesterday (outside of the dream ofcourse) that the UAE owns 75% of that building. NYers were upset ofcourse. So in my dream, my logic was, that they bought it to blow up another landmark building. And it wasn't a clean blowup either. They toppled it into another building causing more wide spread chaos.
I had just happened to be in NY at the time to witness the event... ofcourse it made me furious. But ofcourse there was nothing i could do. So I just consoled people the best i could. The damage was done, and there were no survivors.
Dream 2...
There was some sort of pressing need to get some carnival prizes. So where do you go to get carnival prizes.. To a carnival ofcourse. Me... and a couple of my female cousins decided to go to a carnival. We were looking for a couple of the carnival games and they were hidden in a local barn. You needed a ticket to get in... I had no cash, but i did see the ticket booth took master card and visa... I didn't get a ticket though and decided to sneak in to the barn anyway.
I looked around and saw a bunch of the typical games, throw the darts at the balloons, ring toss, etc.. I did notice that there were people... specifically kids... trying to block the darts... i was kinda worried, but they looked like they were having fun and no-one else seemed to mind, so i left it alone. One of my cousins made it a point to show me a game "stall" where the prizes were posters of super buff naked guys... She pointed it out to me and i noticed all of the Georgia country folk turning their attention to me... Safety's sake told me to move on... so i said... "that's nice" and decided to get out of there. The lady at the door (who wasn't there before) noticed as i was leaving, that i sneaked in... but didn't do anything about it.
I remember coming into the carnival, that half of the rides were closed down. I saw a tilt-a-whirl and scrambler and i was upset when they weren't turned on (before i went into the barn) Coming out of the barn, i noticed they were on. So i decided to buy some tickets.
The rides were 5 tickets a piece. So I wanted to buy 50 tickets. They only seemed to sell tickets in $1 and $5 denominations. So they were trying to sell me $250 worth of tickets (now... it is important to note that when i am awake... ofcourse i know that 5x5=25... I am REALLY surprised that my dream could do the correct math that fast)... I told them no... I just want 50 tickets, but in $5 chunks... they said i had to buy $1 tickets then... I argued the point.
She finally agreed to accept the $50 of $1 tickets when low and behold... i noticed a storm of press in the field of cars behind me. All attention of everyone turned to it and I was curious myself. It was... and I have no idea why... Barack Obama was on a campaign tour and decided to stop at the fairground. I was kinda curious to meet him ofcourse... and my curiosity was sated... as he made a B-line right for the ticket booth.
A midst a sea of photographer flashes, he went behind the booth to sell me my tickets... He asked how i was doing and stuff... once he stamped my tickets as valid, he walked away to talk to other people in true campaign form... and I noticed... i never got my credit card back... So I walked back over to the scrambler... but when i got there... it wasn't there... just people lined up on benches to see Barack speak.
He left and i said... see you soon mr future president... and he left... and i woke up. (it is also important to note... that while i will be voting for him... I don't particularly like him. I just happen to like him better than McCain.)
end of my dreams... interesting huh? strange...
Dream 1...
A terrorist attack hit NYC again... not through planes... just a blowing up of a building. The Empire State Building to be exact. I read in an article yesterday (outside of the dream ofcourse) that the UAE owns 75% of that building. NYers were upset ofcourse. So in my dream, my logic was, that they bought it to blow up another landmark building. And it wasn't a clean blowup either. They toppled it into another building causing more wide spread chaos.
I had just happened to be in NY at the time to witness the event... ofcourse it made me furious. But ofcourse there was nothing i could do. So I just consoled people the best i could. The damage was done, and there were no survivors.
Dream 2...
There was some sort of pressing need to get some carnival prizes. So where do you go to get carnival prizes.. To a carnival ofcourse. Me... and a couple of my female cousins decided to go to a carnival. We were looking for a couple of the carnival games and they were hidden in a local barn. You needed a ticket to get in... I had no cash, but i did see the ticket booth took master card and visa... I didn't get a ticket though and decided to sneak in to the barn anyway.
I looked around and saw a bunch of the typical games, throw the darts at the balloons, ring toss, etc.. I did notice that there were people... specifically kids... trying to block the darts... i was kinda worried, but they looked like they were having fun and no-one else seemed to mind, so i left it alone. One of my cousins made it a point to show me a game "stall" where the prizes were posters of super buff naked guys... She pointed it out to me and i noticed all of the Georgia country folk turning their attention to me... Safety's sake told me to move on... so i said... "that's nice" and decided to get out of there. The lady at the door (who wasn't there before) noticed as i was leaving, that i sneaked in... but didn't do anything about it.
I remember coming into the carnival, that half of the rides were closed down. I saw a tilt-a-whirl and scrambler and i was upset when they weren't turned on (before i went into the barn) Coming out of the barn, i noticed they were on. So i decided to buy some tickets.
The rides were 5 tickets a piece. So I wanted to buy 50 tickets. They only seemed to sell tickets in $1 and $5 denominations. So they were trying to sell me $250 worth of tickets (now... it is important to note that when i am awake... ofcourse i know that 5x5=25... I am REALLY surprised that my dream could do the correct math that fast)... I told them no... I just want 50 tickets, but in $5 chunks... they said i had to buy $1 tickets then... I argued the point.
She finally agreed to accept the $50 of $1 tickets when low and behold... i noticed a storm of press in the field of cars behind me. All attention of everyone turned to it and I was curious myself. It was... and I have no idea why... Barack Obama was on a campaign tour and decided to stop at the fairground. I was kinda curious to meet him ofcourse... and my curiosity was sated... as he made a B-line right for the ticket booth.
A midst a sea of photographer flashes, he went behind the booth to sell me my tickets... He asked how i was doing and stuff... once he stamped my tickets as valid, he walked away to talk to other people in true campaign form... and I noticed... i never got my credit card back... So I walked back over to the scrambler... but when i got there... it wasn't there... just people lined up on benches to see Barack speak.
He left and i said... see you soon mr future president... and he left... and i woke up. (it is also important to note... that while i will be voting for him... I don't particularly like him. I just happen to like him better than McCain.)
end of my dreams... interesting huh? strange...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
stream of communication
So... i think my head is going to explode.
I have been getting a lot of un-solicited communications from random people i don't know... all different things:
first... Christians... trying... to... convert... me...
I have no idea how i got to be public enemy number 1... but on both myspace and facebook, i have gotten a rash of born-agains trying to save me from my wicked lifestyle. Sleeping with a christian man is not going to make me anymore christian than sleeping with a gay man. I am sorry... Mostly it's women sending me christian messages of praying for my soul... my soul is fine thank you... it doesn't need your intrusive prayers. I keep sending back everything as spam... but they don't stop... *sigh*
second... potential lovers... from 1000's of miles away!
I have been getting a rash of people sending me messages... chat and messages from personals sites etc... about getting to know me and such... they are nice guys... and i believe they are genuine. some are from europe... most are from somewhere in the US (i just ignore the guys from the philippines)
a 21 year old from fairbanks alaska... who is determined to take up most of my time is the first of 2 i will talk about. we chat on aim... and while this is the third day of chatting, he wants to progress to phone conversations... i told him, very politely no... not after 3 days... he is getting a little stalkeresque. I have to put him down a couple pegs... either way... he's not getting my #... and i am not listed... and he doesn't know my name other than Jeff... and do you know how many gay guys named jeff there are in Atlanta? A TON!!!
The next guy... is a 25 year old half british/portugese from London. He's living in Washington DC... APPARENTLY (in otherwords... no way to verify) he went to Cambridge and is now a civilian "lead financial analayst" for the US Navy... (i have to be honest... it's a story i have never heard before... and slightly intrigues me) I have seen a couple of his pics (ones he put on his personal profile, and ones he sent... (no x rated ones) and i think he's quite adorable. Not traditionally cute... but cute enough... AND... we seem to connect on all of our hobbies... ones he mentions, and ones i mention, (including things i don't have listed anywhere) If he was down in atlanta... we would probably have a date for this weekend (where... he would probably stand me up... because people ar like that towards me) but i would give it a shot none-the-less. Who knows... maybe i will have a project in DC and we could meet. But... IF (and i am not saying it will... it's WWWAAAYYY too early to tell) we meet and hit it off... this could be the first time my wish came true... someone who is interested in me, that has his life together...
third... 5 different scams from nigeria...
i don't know why i am a target for scams... but if anyone from nigeria is reading this... I don't want to date anyone from there... and after the last 5 messages... i don't want to know anyone from there. so leave me alone!!!!!!!
*this has been a public service announcement*
P.S. I talked with one of my friends i have been getting the silent treatment from... and he gave me a "believable" excuse... *shrug*
P.S.S. sleep has been crazy... i can't seem to wake up early anymore... and some strange dreams about (just last night):
"the urination courtship of the prisoners of Alcatraz"
"decorating the house for Christmas and Halloween at the same time"
"escaping from a park full of bicyclists!"
(sometimes... i really think that my mind is my worst enemy)
I have been getting a lot of un-solicited communications from random people i don't know... all different things:
first... Christians... trying... to... convert... me...
I have no idea how i got to be public enemy number 1... but on both myspace and facebook, i have gotten a rash of born-agains trying to save me from my wicked lifestyle. Sleeping with a christian man is not going to make me anymore christian than sleeping with a gay man. I am sorry... Mostly it's women sending me christian messages of praying for my soul... my soul is fine thank you... it doesn't need your intrusive prayers. I keep sending back everything as spam... but they don't stop... *sigh*
second... potential lovers... from 1000's of miles away!
I have been getting a rash of people sending me messages... chat and messages from personals sites etc... about getting to know me and such... they are nice guys... and i believe they are genuine. some are from europe... most are from somewhere in the US (i just ignore the guys from the philippines)
a 21 year old from fairbanks alaska... who is determined to take up most of my time is the first of 2 i will talk about. we chat on aim... and while this is the third day of chatting, he wants to progress to phone conversations... i told him, very politely no... not after 3 days... he is getting a little stalkeresque. I have to put him down a couple pegs... either way... he's not getting my #... and i am not listed... and he doesn't know my name other than Jeff... and do you know how many gay guys named jeff there are in Atlanta? A TON!!!
The next guy... is a 25 year old half british/portugese from London. He's living in Washington DC... APPARENTLY (in otherwords... no way to verify) he went to Cambridge and is now a civilian "lead financial analayst" for the US Navy... (i have to be honest... it's a story i have never heard before... and slightly intrigues me) I have seen a couple of his pics (ones he put on his personal profile, and ones he sent... (no x rated ones) and i think he's quite adorable. Not traditionally cute... but cute enough... AND... we seem to connect on all of our hobbies... ones he mentions, and ones i mention, (including things i don't have listed anywhere) If he was down in atlanta... we would probably have a date for this weekend (where... he would probably stand me up... because people ar like that towards me) but i would give it a shot none-the-less. Who knows... maybe i will have a project in DC and we could meet. But... IF (and i am not saying it will... it's WWWAAAYYY too early to tell) we meet and hit it off... this could be the first time my wish came true... someone who is interested in me, that has his life together...
third... 5 different scams from nigeria...
i don't know why i am a target for scams... but if anyone from nigeria is reading this... I don't want to date anyone from there... and after the last 5 messages... i don't want to know anyone from there. so leave me alone!!!!!!!
*this has been a public service announcement*
P.S. I talked with one of my friends i have been getting the silent treatment from... and he gave me a "believable" excuse... *shrug*
P.S.S. sleep has been crazy... i can't seem to wake up early anymore... and some strange dreams about (just last night):
"the urination courtship of the prisoners of Alcatraz"
"decorating the house for Christmas and Halloween at the same time"
"escaping from a park full of bicyclists!"
(sometimes... i really think that my mind is my worst enemy)
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Friends... Part Deux!
I woke up! The sleep wasn't that restful... but it never is... anyway... here's a continuation of the previous night post.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
of the 20 acquaintances... about 10 would attend any party i would throw... another 5 may show up, the other 5 would say they are coming, but would never show. 11 would be late, 2 would help clean up during... 1 would stay to help clean up 1 would actually come a little early to help set up, and probably 10 would ask if i need any help, (knowing i would say no)
20 of the acquaintances speak to me online, 2 of which would call me to say hi once in a while, 8 of which would call me back if i left a message for them... 10 of which would say hi to me if they see me online. all of which would answer an IM or email / myspace/facebook message if i sent one to them.
of the 20 acquaintences, i believe 7 would sell me out in a heart beat, I know 3 would sell me out in that same heart beat, 2 would stab me in the back if given the opportunity.
of my 6 friends, 4 would offer to pay the check, 2 would not, 1 of them has the means, but never seems to offer.
of the 20 acquaintences, 5 would offer a shoulder to cry on if they saw me upset, 10 would ask, but not really mean it and walk away. the other 5 would just avoid me.
out of the 20... 4 wish to join my inner sanctum of friends... but haven't proven themselves... 2 think they are... but not when put to the test... one is always nice to me, but i feel repelled by them (i think he's a psychic vampire or something) 2 wishes they could date me, but REALLY not my type (one is the repelled guy
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
So... here is what I would do / have done for my friends
All my friends/acquaintences i would or have:
lent money to
paid for dinner
called or emailed to acknowledge their birthday (when i am aware of it.)
paid them a visit
invited them over for parties or hanging out
sent random IMs or emails/messages to say hey... i hope everything is okay
called them when i haven't heard from them in a while
cried with them
taken them to an event i wished to go to
taken at least 2 on a vacation/multi-day event that i paid for
overcome my anxiety issues to help out and be with
have had sex with some of the guys... (not nessecarily full out)
lent out my stuff (some of which was never returned)
invite them to stay the night
have had friends obviously take advantage of me
for some... have taken the abuse (social) and internalized it till it went away
for some... called them out on their stupidity
I have done things with some of them... i am not proud of...
I do prioritize the inner sanctum first, myself next, acquaintances next, then everyone else (in important circumstances... family though... 99% of the time comes first)
hooked friends up with a job if i had one or got them an interview
hooked friends up... (2 of my past inner sanctum actually got married off of my introduction... i didn't get invited to the wedding either... that hurt i never recovered from.)
Some things i won't do:
have sex with the females!!!!!!!!! (2 have asked)
willingly jeopardize the friendship
help them or perform acts that would stretch my anxiety to the limits (would cause a panic attack)
ask them to live with me... (there are a couple exceptions to this rule... but they are extrodinary circumstances)
let any in on my darkest secrets... yes... i have a couple
betray their trust by spilling their secrets to anyone else
completely sacrifice my well being for anyone out of the inner 6
show rage to the person i am really mad at (though others may hear it in a venting session, which, too, is rare for me... to truely vent... but it does happen occasionally)
let a friend go hungry... ever...
never judge them on things, fetishes, hangups that don't affect me directly
let a friend cry alone
family (the real family)... by hook or by crook... always gets treated like my inner sanctum... whether i like them or not, and whether they exhibit traits of the inner sanctum or not. it's the way i was raised.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I am sure there are things i am missing from this list... this list... was generated by actually listing out the people i am friends with, ranking them in levels (not 1, 2, 3, 4..., then going through and marking people off for each category. The list was then destroyed... as it is not important to me who is where anymore... just... in the face of losing another 3 friends due to the silent treatment... i thought i should define what my friends will do for me...
please don't get me wrong... my friends mean the world to me. This is... afterall... somewhat of a journal for me. if you have comments... please... don't hesitate to mention them... oh... and don't ask what level you are... i will not answer that... publicly or privately... if you honestly don't know... use this as a guide... see where you place yourself... and determine your level from there.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
of the 20 acquaintances... about 10 would attend any party i would throw... another 5 may show up, the other 5 would say they are coming, but would never show. 11 would be late, 2 would help clean up during... 1 would stay to help clean up 1 would actually come a little early to help set up, and probably 10 would ask if i need any help, (knowing i would say no)
20 of the acquaintances speak to me online, 2 of which would call me to say hi once in a while, 8 of which would call me back if i left a message for them... 10 of which would say hi to me if they see me online. all of which would answer an IM or email / myspace/facebook message if i sent one to them.
of the 20 acquaintences, i believe 7 would sell me out in a heart beat, I know 3 would sell me out in that same heart beat, 2 would stab me in the back if given the opportunity.
of my 6 friends, 4 would offer to pay the check, 2 would not, 1 of them has the means, but never seems to offer.
of the 20 acquaintences, 5 would offer a shoulder to cry on if they saw me upset, 10 would ask, but not really mean it and walk away. the other 5 would just avoid me.
out of the 20... 4 wish to join my inner sanctum of friends... but haven't proven themselves... 2 think they are... but not when put to the test... one is always nice to me, but i feel repelled by them (i think he's a psychic vampire or something) 2 wishes they could date me, but REALLY not my type (one is the repelled guy
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
So... here is what I would do / have done for my friends
All my friends/acquaintences i would or have:
lent money to
paid for dinner
called or emailed to acknowledge their birthday (when i am aware of it.)
paid them a visit
invited them over for parties or hanging out
sent random IMs or emails/messages to say hey... i hope everything is okay
called them when i haven't heard from them in a while
cried with them
taken them to an event i wished to go to
taken at least 2 on a vacation/multi-day event that i paid for
overcome my anxiety issues to help out and be with
have had sex with some of the guys... (not nessecarily full out)
lent out my stuff (some of which was never returned)
invite them to stay the night
have had friends obviously take advantage of me
for some... have taken the abuse (social) and internalized it till it went away
for some... called them out on their stupidity
I have done things with some of them... i am not proud of...
I do prioritize the inner sanctum first, myself next, acquaintances next, then everyone else (in important circumstances... family though... 99% of the time comes first)
hooked friends up with a job if i had one or got them an interview
hooked friends up... (2 of my past inner sanctum actually got married off of my introduction... i didn't get invited to the wedding either... that hurt i never recovered from.)
Some things i won't do:
have sex with the females!!!!!!!!! (2 have asked)
willingly jeopardize the friendship
help them or perform acts that would stretch my anxiety to the limits (would cause a panic attack)
ask them to live with me... (there are a couple exceptions to this rule... but they are extrodinary circumstances)
let any in on my darkest secrets... yes... i have a couple
betray their trust by spilling their secrets to anyone else
completely sacrifice my well being for anyone out of the inner 6
show rage to the person i am really mad at (though others may hear it in a venting session, which, too, is rare for me... to truely vent... but it does happen occasionally)
let a friend go hungry... ever...
never judge them on things, fetishes, hangups that don't affect me directly
let a friend cry alone
family (the real family)... by hook or by crook... always gets treated like my inner sanctum... whether i like them or not, and whether they exhibit traits of the inner sanctum or not. it's the way i was raised.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I am sure there are things i am missing from this list... this list... was generated by actually listing out the people i am friends with, ranking them in levels (not 1, 2, 3, 4..., then going through and marking people off for each category. The list was then destroyed... as it is not important to me who is where anymore... just... in the face of losing another 3 friends due to the silent treatment... i thought i should define what my friends will do for me...
please don't get me wrong... my friends mean the world to me. This is... afterall... somewhat of a journal for me. if you have comments... please... don't hesitate to mention them... oh... and don't ask what level you are... i will not answer that... publicly or privately... if you honestly don't know... use this as a guide... see where you place yourself... and determine your level from there.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Friends...
I know some of the people who read this blog will roll their eyes at this post... i always seem to be a pessimist. well... that's me. I can't help it... optomisim leads to dissappointment.
So... i feel as though i am on the verge of losing 3 more friends. The silent treatment has started (they are ignoring me) for about a week now.
No phone calls/returns, no emails/replies, no IMs/responses...
I know they have logged on, so at least they are getting my emails... but either they are reading and not responding, or ignoring them all together. So I took a moment earlier today to reflect on my friends and the depth that the friendships go.
i have, outside of family, about 6 people who i consider true friends. People who, if i had to, would walk through the fire to help out. I am not going to name them, but they know who they are.
Outside of that inner circle, I have roughly 20ish re-occuring positive acquaintances, they are friends... but if my life depended on them... i might as well just let go of the ledge and make as nice of a swan dive as possible before splatting.
Then I just have acquaintances. People who i am friendly towards, and are friendly towards me, but that's kinda where it ends. That MOSTLY consists of the rest of the world.
Ofcourse... i have enemies too... but they are not the subject of this entry.
of my inner sanctum of friends... 4 come to me for help on a semi-regular basis, requesting money, advice, support, battle plans, or brownies! 2 of them, have never asked for my help with anything (and i am not talking about small favors, i am talking about some sort of real help)
3 of those inner sanctum friends i know would literally beat someone down if i was in any sort of danger. 2, i know would want to, but probably would stay out of it. One, i know would put a horrible curse on the other person that would make him/her wish they didn't threaten me.
If I was struggling for money (which thank the gods I am not) 5 would want to help me, but do not have the means... 1 has the means, and would say he would help, but in the end, wouldn't.
If I need a shoulder to cry on, 5 would lend an attentive ear and a box of kleenex, 3 of them would end up making it about themselves. 1 of them, probably would end up being too busy and un-interested, (he too would probably end up making my issues all about him and want sympathy instead of giving it)
If i need advice, i can go to all but 1 of them for different areas of expertese. Computer, money, relationships, etc... one of them, would be eager to give advice, but in all honesty, i wouldn't want it or do what he advised.
3 of my friends will always make me laugh, all six will make me smile, 3 always make me feel better about myself, 3 always tells me like it is (good and bad) 3 just try and sugar coat everything.
4 of my closest friends are always in some sort of trouble, be it relationship, financial, and yes... even legal... the other 2 are much more stable.
I have slept with 4 of them in the same bed (not sexually) 2 i really wanted sex with, but never pressed it... 1 i had "played" with...
I have been to 4 of the 5's places of residence... 1 i never got to, and 1, i was never invited.
I have secrets about 4 of them that could get them in trouble with the law, 1 stretches the bounds of decency with that secret... *shudder* 5 of them are going to wonder if i know their secret and what the other ones are. they will all be dissappointed when i don't give it up.
Only 2 have given me a bday present ever... i have given presents to 4 of them. the other 3 insisted on not taking them and told me specifically and intently, not to buy them.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
of my 20-some frequent, positive acquaintances
15 have asked for some sort of financial help from me, 16 of them have recieved it (one needed, but didn't ask)
6 of them flew in and out of my graces more than 2 times. consecutively pissing me off, then making up for it.
one of them will listen to any problems or concerns i have honestly... the others don't care one way or another.
all 20 of them make me smile, about 5 make me laugh semi-frequently
All have visited me... i have only visited like 6 of them...
I am getting too tired to type... i will finish this up tomorrow before i fall asleep.
So... i feel as though i am on the verge of losing 3 more friends. The silent treatment has started (they are ignoring me) for about a week now.
No phone calls/returns, no emails/replies, no IMs/responses...
I know they have logged on, so at least they are getting my emails... but either they are reading and not responding, or ignoring them all together. So I took a moment earlier today to reflect on my friends and the depth that the friendships go.
i have, outside of family, about 6 people who i consider true friends. People who, if i had to, would walk through the fire to help out. I am not going to name them, but they know who they are.
Outside of that inner circle, I have roughly 20ish re-occuring positive acquaintances, they are friends... but if my life depended on them... i might as well just let go of the ledge and make as nice of a swan dive as possible before splatting.
Then I just have acquaintances. People who i am friendly towards, and are friendly towards me, but that's kinda where it ends. That MOSTLY consists of the rest of the world.
Ofcourse... i have enemies too... but they are not the subject of this entry.
of my inner sanctum of friends... 4 come to me for help on a semi-regular basis, requesting money, advice, support, battle plans, or brownies! 2 of them, have never asked for my help with anything (and i am not talking about small favors, i am talking about some sort of real help)
3 of those inner sanctum friends i know would literally beat someone down if i was in any sort of danger. 2, i know would want to, but probably would stay out of it. One, i know would put a horrible curse on the other person that would make him/her wish they didn't threaten me.
If I was struggling for money (which thank the gods I am not) 5 would want to help me, but do not have the means... 1 has the means, and would say he would help, but in the end, wouldn't.
If I need a shoulder to cry on, 5 would lend an attentive ear and a box of kleenex, 3 of them would end up making it about themselves. 1 of them, probably would end up being too busy and un-interested, (he too would probably end up making my issues all about him and want sympathy instead of giving it)
If i need advice, i can go to all but 1 of them for different areas of expertese. Computer, money, relationships, etc... one of them, would be eager to give advice, but in all honesty, i wouldn't want it or do what he advised.
3 of my friends will always make me laugh, all six will make me smile, 3 always make me feel better about myself, 3 always tells me like it is (good and bad) 3 just try and sugar coat everything.
4 of my closest friends are always in some sort of trouble, be it relationship, financial, and yes... even legal... the other 2 are much more stable.
I have slept with 4 of them in the same bed (not sexually) 2 i really wanted sex with, but never pressed it... 1 i had "played" with...
I have been to 4 of the 5's places of residence... 1 i never got to, and 1, i was never invited.
I have secrets about 4 of them that could get them in trouble with the law, 1 stretches the bounds of decency with that secret... *shudder* 5 of them are going to wonder if i know their secret and what the other ones are. they will all be dissappointed when i don't give it up.
Only 2 have given me a bday present ever... i have given presents to 4 of them. the other 3 insisted on not taking them and told me specifically and intently, not to buy them.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
of my 20-some frequent, positive acquaintances
15 have asked for some sort of financial help from me, 16 of them have recieved it (one needed, but didn't ask)
6 of them flew in and out of my graces more than 2 times. consecutively pissing me off, then making up for it.
one of them will listen to any problems or concerns i have honestly... the others don't care one way or another.
all 20 of them make me smile, about 5 make me laugh semi-frequently
All have visited me... i have only visited like 6 of them...
I am getting too tired to type... i will finish this up tomorrow before i fall asleep.
Monday, July 7, 2008
comforting...
So... one of my friends, and i wouldn't say best friends, but a friend none the less has been having issues... He came to me... he wanted to unwind because he has been having a difficult time.
I fed him dinner, and dessert... we watched a movie (he was on the couch and i was on my computer chair), and he was still a bit stressed. He asked if he could take a bath. So... like a good friend... i drew him one of my special baths...
Hot water, bubble bath, with glow sticks as underwater illumination. He, for a change, was kinda speachless. But that's what i do when i have to unwind.
no... i did not see him naked... he's having boyfriend troubles... and my cardinal rule is to not cause any divorces, literally or figuratively. He's going to crash on my couch, as i have not made up the guest beds.
It just kinda made me think... for a brief fleeting moment, that it's something i would do for a boyfriend... someone i loved. Make dinner and dessert, cuddle up on the couch to watch a movie, and draw one of my special baths for him. Give a massage when he comes out... and fall asleep in each other's arms...
*blink*
God I am so pathetic...
I fed him dinner, and dessert... we watched a movie (he was on the couch and i was on my computer chair), and he was still a bit stressed. He asked if he could take a bath. So... like a good friend... i drew him one of my special baths...
Hot water, bubble bath, with glow sticks as underwater illumination. He, for a change, was kinda speachless. But that's what i do when i have to unwind.
no... i did not see him naked... he's having boyfriend troubles... and my cardinal rule is to not cause any divorces, literally or figuratively. He's going to crash on my couch, as i have not made up the guest beds.
It just kinda made me think... for a brief fleeting moment, that it's something i would do for a boyfriend... someone i loved. Make dinner and dessert, cuddle up on the couch to watch a movie, and draw one of my special baths for him. Give a massage when he comes out... and fall asleep in each other's arms...
*blink*
God I am so pathetic...
not feeling well...
I am all tense and my stomach is not good this morning. I don't know why... but it feels like a mild anxiety attack, because i am also mildly depressed and can't concentrate.
Also... on a different note...
I noticed i have fallen into a cultural rut...
I am always checking the same websites, not really branching out. The sad thing is, those sites are facebook and myspace, 2 personals/hookup sites (and no... i don't hookup), and craig's list. I very rarely, if ever, go to any other sites anymore.
and just the fact that i talk about cultural rut and mention only websites i go to is not healthy in its own right. I really need to get involved with something. The problem with that though, is if i am out of town, i can't participate in any events, etc... Also... i don't have any friends who can go with me to meetings/events on a regular basis, and i get extremely shy when going to new events/clubs/etc... I find that if i have no initial common bond, i find it difficult to find things to talk about. It's something i am aware of ofcourse, and have the power to change, but every time i put myself in that situation, i find i freeze up. *shrug*
I need a therapist i think...
Also... on a different note...
I noticed i have fallen into a cultural rut...
I am always checking the same websites, not really branching out. The sad thing is, those sites are facebook and myspace, 2 personals/hookup sites (and no... i don't hookup), and craig's list. I very rarely, if ever, go to any other sites anymore.
and just the fact that i talk about cultural rut and mention only websites i go to is not healthy in its own right. I really need to get involved with something. The problem with that though, is if i am out of town, i can't participate in any events, etc... Also... i don't have any friends who can go with me to meetings/events on a regular basis, and i get extremely shy when going to new events/clubs/etc... I find that if i have no initial common bond, i find it difficult to find things to talk about. It's something i am aware of ofcourse, and have the power to change, but every time i put myself in that situation, i find i freeze up. *shrug*
I need a therapist i think...
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Pride Bust...
Hello all... it's been a while again... I haven't written in a while... so lemme catch you up.
This past weekend, was Gay Pride Weekend down here in Atlanta (along with the 4th of July)
Pride weekend for me started on Wednesday, when i had to start my shopping to do my annual pride brunch. (which i mentioned before)
I made my menu, did all kinds of prep work right up until the brunch started. (and I want to say a special thank you to my Mom, who i called at 8:30am to ask about the cheese blintzes.)
Mel came over and helped out the night before... My friend Mike came over late that night to help out the next day. He came with a whole possee (his boyfriend, another friend, and 2 lesbians) who all slept over. I have to be honest... I was expecting, and looking forward to Mike and his boyfriend. The other friend, i wasn't thrilled about, but i was like... well.. okay... i didn't expect another 2 people to come (and sleep over!!!
I did get some help from everyone though, and the brunch was a huge success. The final menu was
THESE WERE MADE BY ME
Spinach, egg, mushroom, sausage and cheese caserole
Cheese Blintzes with Honey, blueberries, apples, or peaches for on top
Spiral Cut Ham
Home Made Granola
Vanilla and Lemon Whipped Cream
Home Made Pound Cake
Fruit Salad
THESE WERE BOUGHT
Blueberry and Choc-Choc Chip muffins
English Muffins
Croissants
Rugelas
Bread
Bagels
DRINKS
Momosas (6 bottles of Champagne and 2 gals of OJ)
Bloody Mary Bar
OJ
Apple Juice
Grape Juice
Almost all of the homemade stuff went. I counted 26 people this year, not including myself. I have to say... I was upset to see a couple people missing. The building manager... a good friend of mine Robert, my hair dresser, and an old real-estate agent friend. None of them called, wrote, or said anything, except the last time i talked to them, they ALL said they would be here.
It was dis-heartening to say the least, but, what can you do? I am toying with the idea of just not inviting them anymore. I will confront each one of them to find out what happened. No doubt i will get lame assed excuses from ALMOST all of them. I ofcourse am greatful for those who did come. Everyone seemed to enjoy the food. The party cost me about $500, but i enjoy entertaining.
The rest of the weekend, aside from the brunch, did NOT go as planned. I didn't get to the festival at all this year. First of all, it was at the civic center, and those who DID go, said it was very GHETTO pride. I am not that interested in going. Sat I was too tired to go, and today (sunday) i was still kinda tired, but when we were going to go, it was thundering, lightening and in general, MONSOONING outside. I didn't feel like going so far from home (15 blocks) to get stuck in a thunder storm. Those who did go, and planned to spend the whole day, left early, which re-inforced my apathetic attitude to not go.
So I hung around the house all day and just cleaned, cooked breakfast (bacon, egg and cheese omlets) and dinner (spaghetti and clams). Watched some anime and just hung around.
I am kinda upset at myself that this is the first pride i haven't "officially" attended in like 9 years... but there will be more. Besides... I have MAJOR body work to do if i am to be seen at pride!
Now that everything is over, and all the friends are gone, i am kinda lonely. I was around people so much, now it's just... empty... it kinda sucks. GOD i need a boyfriend.
Next week i have to start concentrating on finding a new assignment to get me mobile again.
This past weekend, was Gay Pride Weekend down here in Atlanta (along with the 4th of July)
Pride weekend for me started on Wednesday, when i had to start my shopping to do my annual pride brunch. (which i mentioned before)
I made my menu, did all kinds of prep work right up until the brunch started. (and I want to say a special thank you to my Mom, who i called at 8:30am to ask about the cheese blintzes.)
Mel came over and helped out the night before... My friend Mike came over late that night to help out the next day. He came with a whole possee (his boyfriend, another friend, and 2 lesbians) who all slept over. I have to be honest... I was expecting, and looking forward to Mike and his boyfriend. The other friend, i wasn't thrilled about, but i was like... well.. okay... i didn't expect another 2 people to come (and sleep over!!!
I did get some help from everyone though, and the brunch was a huge success. The final menu was
THESE WERE MADE BY ME
Spinach, egg, mushroom, sausage and cheese caserole
Cheese Blintzes with Honey, blueberries, apples, or peaches for on top
Spiral Cut Ham
Home Made Granola
Vanilla and Lemon Whipped Cream
Home Made Pound Cake
Fruit Salad
THESE WERE BOUGHT
Blueberry and Choc-Choc Chip muffins
English Muffins
Croissants
Rugelas
Bread
Bagels
DRINKS
Momosas (6 bottles of Champagne and 2 gals of OJ)
Bloody Mary Bar
OJ
Apple Juice
Grape Juice
Almost all of the homemade stuff went. I counted 26 people this year, not including myself. I have to say... I was upset to see a couple people missing. The building manager... a good friend of mine Robert, my hair dresser, and an old real-estate agent friend. None of them called, wrote, or said anything, except the last time i talked to them, they ALL said they would be here.
It was dis-heartening to say the least, but, what can you do? I am toying with the idea of just not inviting them anymore. I will confront each one of them to find out what happened. No doubt i will get lame assed excuses from ALMOST all of them. I ofcourse am greatful for those who did come. Everyone seemed to enjoy the food. The party cost me about $500, but i enjoy entertaining.
The rest of the weekend, aside from the brunch, did NOT go as planned. I didn't get to the festival at all this year. First of all, it was at the civic center, and those who DID go, said it was very GHETTO pride. I am not that interested in going. Sat I was too tired to go, and today (sunday) i was still kinda tired, but when we were going to go, it was thundering, lightening and in general, MONSOONING outside. I didn't feel like going so far from home (15 blocks) to get stuck in a thunder storm. Those who did go, and planned to spend the whole day, left early, which re-inforced my apathetic attitude to not go.
So I hung around the house all day and just cleaned, cooked breakfast (bacon, egg and cheese omlets) and dinner (spaghetti and clams). Watched some anime and just hung around.
I am kinda upset at myself that this is the first pride i haven't "officially" attended in like 9 years... but there will be more. Besides... I have MAJOR body work to do if i am to be seen at pride!
Now that everything is over, and all the friends are gone, i am kinda lonely. I was around people so much, now it's just... empty... it kinda sucks. GOD i need a boyfriend.
Next week i have to start concentrating on finding a new assignment to get me mobile again.
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