update

I found the guy using his caller id name in myspace... i remember him now..

he said on the phone he's 27 and looks 23... he's kidding himself... he's 27 and looks 27...

i sent him a friend request... i hope i hadn't pissed him off too much... the fact is though... i don't think i want to deal with him at this moment in time... not right after last night's episode.

what to do what to do...

either way... today is probably not going to be a fun day. (positive outlook on life huh?... i am a mess!)

DIDs and DID NOTS...

I did not feel like meeting anyone tonight... despite that I DID...

He was a guy off the internet... and did present himself in 2 different places...

He DID have very provocative pictures which peaked my interest... he did not look exactly like his pictures in person.

He talked on the phone and was very nice

He, did tell me he was italian, and white... he did not tell me he was... italian and black... which normally wouldn't make a difference, but it threw me for a loop.

I did want to meet him... but i did not want to bring him here... he ended up coming here...

I did not want to "hook up" with him... *sigh* but i did...

He did finish... I did not...

I DID do a good job (yay me)... he did not...

I did compromise my morals in doing so... he did get what he wanted.

I did think, before meeting him... we could be more... after meeting him... i DO not think it will work...

Not because he is milato... i think because he both pushed my boundaries despite knowing i didn't want to, (and mad at myself for compromising!)... Lying about himself initially about his nationality. and... despite hooking up, not really feeling chemistry.

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on a different note... i got a call at 8:30 in the morning, which woke me up... It was someone whom i must have given my phone number to a while ago... he is latino and told me his name, but for the life of me, i cannot remember who he is... he wanted to see me and hang out... but that includes me picking him up and taking him with me...

he promised we would have fun... now... i never give out my phone number to people i don't like... but 8:30 in the morning... my brain is NOT sharp... and i don't know who he is.. i asked him to spell his profile name so that i could see his profile on the site we talked... all i heard (even after him repeating several times) was "n" "cat" "mar" "lat"

i asked how to spell it... and he just kept repeating the same thing... i asked him to sign on and send me a message... he kinda hung up the phone on me... probably frustrated... i have his name and number... but i am reluctant to call him and make a further ass of myself.

last night

Last night... i had a VERY cute guy (at least I thought he was cute) from online ask me out. His intention, which he made clear, was to go to a bar/club to meet and hang out, then go to a waffle house to get something to eat, then end up at my place for a little night cap. (he mentioned this when i said it would be cool to chill with someone... he said he had no intention of chilling, and then gave me his plans)

My defenses immediately kicked in.

First, i told him (who had a swimmer's build (very skinny)) that i was not. I was not skinny, thin, or even average build... (the pictures of me online at the site he found me at, were head shots only)... he responded by asking me out. (with all of the details from above)

I was shocked... but i was honestly not feeling well... by that time i had gone to the bathroom roughly 4 times, and it didn't feel like it was going to stop... (and it didn't)

So i simply told him tonight was not a good night (he talked to me at 8:43pm which means i didn't have time to prepare myself.) plus... going to a club, then waffle house, then home didn't sound all that great, especially in my condition. But ofcourse, i didn't want to give him gory details. So i simply said, i have to work late at night for a project that HAD to be done by this morning, which makes me feel bad, because, it was untrue... but i didn't want to put him off.

So after going back and forth, he said what's going on for tomorrow. So i told him... at the moment I have no plans... so he mentioned going out tomorrow night. Seeing no reason not to, (and hoping i would feel better, AND have enough time to plan) i mentioned that that sounded cool, and talked to him about a couple places in walking distance. He wanted to go to a different place, but he said what ever...

The thoughts going through my head are, he's either desperate to get laid, or he actually kinda likes me. I actually think it's a small combination of both.

He, is 31, has a job (though not a career) and is italian, and at least from his pictures, i think he's cute.

I am personally against hooking up... but my last attempt at sex didn't go very well, and i am also afraid that the same thing will happen. It's been so long since i have done anything, i am afraid nothing will work out right... then i'd feel horrible that he came all this way, and nothing really happened. I haven't gotten anyone off in so long... i don't know if i can do it anymore without practice.

I will definitely be writing about how things are going...

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Fast Forward to this morning...

With all of the shit that's been happening lately, i have decided, to really get rid of a lot of things from my life. my old RPG gaming books, old direct TV units... gay books, and things, i don't really have plans to utilize these things again... so... they really should go... I would like to sell them. I figured, make some money off of the things... but i really think i will just end up donating them. (if you can even donate such stuff...)

I am drained

Emotionally, physically, spiritually... i have more to write... but i don't have the energy... i will post tomorrow.

a sad situation...

I have had, and lost contact with a lot of friends over the years. Whether it was the fact that i left my old home town of Philadelphia, or they have left... (or they developed FFFS)

One such friend, had moved away, and we stayed in touch for a little while, then, lost touch. I tried to call him a couple times, but his phone number had changed... I checked his myspace page, but he hasn't been on since 2007.

Being the person I am... i decided to keep trying, not obsessively, but every once in a while when i would think of him, and wonder how he's doing, I would give it the ol' college try.

After a year, I finally found him using facebook. It was good to reach out to him, and when he got my letter, he reached back out. I wish it was all good news though...

After so much time, he has developed AIDS. (the last time i talked to him, he was unaware (or didn't tell me) that he was HIV positive. Now he has drastically low cell counts, and a brain tumor that won't go away. So it's too late for the drugs that keep HIV at bay to work.

This really makes me upset. He was always, and still is, a light in this world with an infectious laugh, wonderful smile, and a fabulous attitude towards life, even in the face of death, he's all about spending 3 hours making a bowl of pasta salad for a party.

To see a life as bright as his, soon to be snuffed out by something as stupid as AIDS (unless a miracle happens) is just upsetting. It makes me want to go and slap several people across the face to say, would you just cure this already?

This friend, however, always had a lax attitude towards sex, and we have had many a friendly argument about my "hookup" policy. (I don't do hookups, despite sometimes i REALLY want to) He always told me i should shed my fear of hooking up. My fear was always two fold, STDs and bashers/psychos. Thinking that something as simple as sex would get me killed one way or another. While it's possible that this attitude has put me in the place i am currently at (single and virtually dateless)

In a recent conversation, my friend said, perhaps, it was the right attitude to take. I don't know if it is, but i do know that in life, no risk = no reward. If i changed my hookup policy, i might not be single now, but then i might be sick as well... (or have some sort of public indecency record.)

Either way, i am glad i decided to hunt down my friend again. Our conversations, despite the bad news, have been awesome and makes me feel good for the time conversations we have had, and will still have... Even though he needs to get a land phone line because his cell phone always cuts out!!!

Letter to a former friend

The names have stripped. I wrote this because I need closure. Nothing else.

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Hi *****,

It took me a long time to decide to write this letter, and I don’t even know if you will read it, or just delete it. That’s up to you, but I feel as though I need to do this.

I am upset at you. Very upset. But I have decided instead of just sitting on it and waiting to confront you in person, which seems like it just won’t happen anymore, I need to say it.

It’s been since May since I have seen you, or spoken to you on the phone. I know it’s May because that’s when you took my laptop, and I was on the California Project. I don’t know what happened, why this friendship went south, but it did, and it’s upsetting to me.

I consider myself to be a reasonable, honest, trusting person. When it comes to you however, that trust has been betrayed on multiple levels. Some of the things I have noticed, are as follows:

1. You told me your mother has passed away. I remember this very clearly. You told me about the funeral and everything. That’s how you came to own everything, how you were left everything and your brother was left 1 dollar. You told me how everything changed.

I later find out, through a mistake from one of your friends, who will remain nameless, that your mother is infact alive. Why would you lie about something like that? To me or anyone else? That’s crazy and there was no reason for a lie of that magnitude.

2. My Laptop has been in your possession for roughly 4 months now. It was in complete working order when you received it. I even threw in a printer. It was $500, to try it out, and either give it back, or get me the money. Which you promised to do in a couple weeks. But since receiving the laptop, ALL communications with you, aside from an occasional VERY short email through myspace here and there, have stopped. I am assuming you have no intention of getting the laptop or the money back to me. I don’t know what to say about that, but… I hope that is not the case.

3. When I was making the peaches, and all of my friends did not show up to help, and you showed up that day, as I was finishing everything, you bragged about how you showed up and no-one else did. That was cool, but all other times you swore you would show up, for my brunch, for a day during the weekend, and numerous other occasions, you did not bother. I spent days waiting for you and not a phone call, not an email, not an IM. That took that one good day, and ruined it all, several times over. I don’t understand the reasoning, after confirming you were coming, (adamantly) you would stand me up like that. That’s not being a friend.

4. I have offered several times to come to your place. It’s difficult for me, but I have been thinking, why not… you come here often enough, so it’s only correct for me to do the same. However, when I mentioned this to you, and why you don’t invite me over, you mentioned there is too much drama at your house that you don’t want to subject me to.

This, to me, is a bullshit answer and seems like you are either trying to hide something, or something else is going on that you just aren’t proud of. Either way, I am (or at least was) your friend, and I have demonstrated on multiple occasions that you could trust me, after all of the advice you asked for. What is so terrible that you couldn’t invite me over?

5. I had tried to set a friend of mine that you happened to know with a job. **** and I were talking for quite some time. I am not sure what happened, but shortly thereafter, he broke off our friendship, stating that there were rumors going around Carrollton that he was having an affair with me. I don’t know how such a rumor started, but I know of only 3 people who live in your area, you, *******, and ****. ****, as far as I know, would have no reason to start such a rumor, as we have not met, and no plans to be sexual were going to take place. I respected his wishes so he can keep his relationship up with his boyfriend… but… it hurt me to see that happen, and the only thing I could rationalize is you starting that rumor.

I come to that conclusion because of all the things you have been saying about my good friend ****’s boyfriend. I don’t know if any of that is true, but my friend mike could not be happier and it seems like everything you said was just fabricated, and the fact that you pushed the issue every time I talked to you for a while, despite me saying, it’s not my business and I was not interested.

There are more reasons I could list, but I am afraid I have no more interest in bringing up other details. I have overlooked these things because, well, I thought you were my friend. Now you say you are sick, and just don’t want to be bothered with anything. Well… I understand that, but it’s been 4 months since I have received a phone call from you despite MULTIPLE emails, voicemails, and text messages left. That does send a message to me that you are no longer interested in being friends. I keep trying because I thought you were my friend and I don’t give up on friends easily, despite some of my other friends’ better judgment.

So… enough games… I have come clean and expect you to do the same. I leave it to you to make the next move. If any… I am just upset, and at the present time, with all the personal drama going on in my life, I just have no more energy to shout into the wind. The only thing I expect, is that I retrieve my property, which is the laptop and printer, or the money for said items. You don’t even have to see me, just drop whatever off at the front desk and I will get it from there. You mention all of the crime done to you in your business with people stealing things. I hope you will not commit the same act.

As far as writing back or maintaining the friendship. I leave that up to you, but I will say one thing, actions speak louder than words. Writing a 2 line letter will not cut it anymore to continue being friends. Despite what my other friends would say, I just don’t give up on people. So I will give you the chance to redeem yourself, if you even want to. If not, simply reply “no thanks” or “fuck off” or something to that effect, and I will get the hint, erase your numbers from my phone, remove your names from my IM lists, and remove you from my friend lists everywhere and that will be that. The choice is yours. Either way… the only thing I ask, is that you be honest.

-O

up to now

if you notice the time of this post... you will see it's before 7am. Why would I be up this early? Because i am trying to change my sleep schedule. I mean... I work from home, can set my own hours... so why the hell would i try and get up early? No reason.

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I am concerned for one of my friends... my inner circle... She has been on a downward social spiral for years... constantly secluding herself from the world. She is taking solace in her cat, which is nice, but not at the expense of her friendships.

I had to take my laptop back to the store that i just recently bought to get the network card replaced. The store is half way between my place and hers. I gave her a call to tell her i was kinda in the area, and wanted to stop by to say hi. (even though it was out of my way)

She told me she wasn't fit for human consumption.

...

Since when do you have to be fit for human consumption for a friend? I am really concerned for her. She has a strong will when it comes to everyone she meets, with the exception of her mother. She does everything her mother says. She has no will to say anything against her mother, with whom she lives with. The problem is, she is starting to alienate most of her friends.

I am starting to evaluate my friendship with her. No... she is not someone I will drop as we have too much history. But... i have tried multiple attempts to help her out of this funk and I am now at a loss... I have no idea where to go from here. It upsets me to see her down, and she cries out for help... but shoots down every suggestion made with skewed logic... It only make sense to her, and I get tired of trying to reason with her when it comes to this.

I thought my mother was bad with her signature guilt trips. *shrug*

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The stories of my one... former inner circle friend just keep getting more extreme. He stopped answering my calls, and only answers one of 5 emails that i send him. He mentioned before that his mother was dead... which i found out was a lie.

Now he mentions he has cancer. *shrug* what do you do with someone like that... The only thing i can think of is to cut my losses and tell him good bye. *sad*

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This week i was stood up twice. Once for a dinner date and once for a lunch date. It makes me feel worse about myself. *sigh*

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When someone reaches out to me for help, i tend to help them... I always try to do everything i can to help people to make sure that they get what they need, usually put my neck out on the line. Lately i have been trying to help someone to help someone who reached out to me, and now he seems to be apathetic.

It's really souring my attitude towards helping people.

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The fitness thing is not doing well... I am keeping with the good eating habits... but the working out thing is doing bad. My issue is that I don't want to work out (at least in the beginning) while other people are there. It's a little neurotic, but its how i feel. I don't want people to look at me working out, and they probably aren't, but i think it's just a mental trick my mind is playing on me to stop myself from putting myself through the temporary pain.

Just another example of SIPT. Someone slap me.

sometimes... i just want to slap myself

So... we all have bad days. Everyone has them... Even the people who seem to be perfectly perky all of the time have days when they are... not so fresh...

Today, was a down day for me. I found myself having anxiety attacks today. Never a fun thing, but i have had them none the less. *sigh*

All day i have been just thinking negative thoughts about myself.

One of my fleeting thoughts were... what happened if i just cut myself off from the world. stay offline, don't answer phone calls, except work (because i have to pay the bills) and an occasional call to my parents... to see if anyone would miss me.

Well... ofcourse some people would miss me... so after i talked myself out of that little self pity social experiment, I got to thinking...

Why do i choose to make myself miserable all the time? Am i truely happiest when i am miserable, self degrading and looking for pity? I mean... no-one, including me, would like to admit such a fallacy... but is it possible? ... Well ofcourse its possible, but is it true?

It seems like it that's the truth. *shrug* I didn't title this blog Self Induced Psychological Trauma because i liked the way it looked.

Party and Aftermath

Yesterday was my Condo's block party. It was A LOT of work.

got set up early, running both food and equipment down to the pool area. The party was a success...

The food and alcohol lasted throughout the entire party. Which was my hope. The bands were excellent, and actually, we attracted the attention of several of the other highrise buildings in the area to listen to them.

All was going well... until the rain. During the second band, it started drizzling. Which was not a problem, until it really started raining heavily... So the band grabbed all their equipment and ran for cover It didn't seem like it was going to be long, so we waited for like 10 minutes (they wanted to keep playing)... So the rain let up and they started setting up their equipment again... and wouldn't you know it... the rain started up again. Just as hard as before.

That's when they called it. (we didn't stop the party though) So they packed all of their stuff up and left. Ofcourse, wouldn't you know it. About 4 minutes after they packed all of their stuff up, the sun came out... oh well.

After that, it was hot and muggy, everything was soaked, and it made for an interesting rest of the party. Oh... and one two other things that made the party, more memorable for me.

Flies... OMG... there were flies everywhere. Big ol' horse flies that we couldn't seem to get rid of, and they only got worse after the rain. I mentioned that we need bug lights or citronella candles out there or something, but alas, not available for this party. It didn't seem to bother everyone, but it grossed me out.

The other thing that made this very memorable for me were the guys. Most of the guys by the pool, wearing speedos... definitely had the right to!... they were HAWT! And did i get an eye full... Some of them were even nice and said hi as they walked by. Ofcourse, i had to continue helping out with the party, so i couldn't stop and stare, though i wanted to.

It also made me jealous, one of the guys there, who was extremely good looking and thin... ate like 4 hamburgers... I hate people with high metabolisms. It was either that or he was on tina or coke or something... *shrug*

Oh... and cleanup was a nightmare... with everything wet and soggy... YUCK. That plus my legs hurt from wearing my sandals all day, and i had a headache. It made for a very unpleasant clean up.

People didn't leave the party till like 9ish... and it was supposed to end at 7. So it was a success. People were saying it was the best party we have had. (even people who have lived in the building for 10+ years were saying that)

must... keep... will... power....

it's definitely not fun... this whole fitness thing. Since i have decided i am tired of looking at myself i am eating healthier (which isn't as difficult) and exercising (PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!!)

i wake up in the morning and try to push myself to get to the gym. I know it's important... it's just taking an IMMENSE mount of will to get there.

I am doing it.. but i'm not liking it.

day 1

Well... after being completely fed up with the way i look... and particularly when i had a look in a store's security camera, i have decided enough is enough...

It's time to lose weight... again...

and i am resolved in this! So... today is day 1... when i went to the store yesterday (grocery shopping) i bought a lot of weight watcher's frozen food and lean pocket stuff for lunches... and i bought a LOT of vegetables and healthy stuff to cook with, etc... so i can start making healthy choices...

this evening, i WILL be going to the gym and either doing cardio machines or swimming... one way or another... this is day 1 of, what will probably be, another long, hard road of masochism to lose weight and get healthier...

GRRRRRRR!

Odd dream

Well... I was debating on whether to mention this dream... because it was completely odd...

i was still a guy... but i was pregnant... and very pregnant... i was back up at home in PA... and like all dreams... things didn't quite connect. I was running around afraid to give birth of course running around telling everyone i was about to give birth.

well... i did end up giving birth... but of course, it was magic because on moment i was pregnant... the next moment i had 2 children, a boy and a girl. They both had dark curly hair and blue eyes. they were cute... and of course... they were more like toddlers than infants.

there was really no climax to the dream. The rest was actually quite embarrassing. I was going around bragging about my children and comparing notes to other mothers in my family. Then i woke up... i remembered this dream vividly...

ultimately, i will most likely never have kids unless someone asks me to donate... and i was asked a couple times, but, they have recanted their offer. *shrug* Oh well...

well... at least it was a nice dinner

I know i am a couple days late in posting... and that i haven't posted for a while... it just wasn't really on my mind... but i thought... well... i should post this...

On this past Sunday, i was standing in the lobby when one of the residents in the building "Joe" had come down. now... joe is adorable... i have seen him at the building socials and he's nice, cute, etc... and while he has made no remarks about his sexuality, the word on the street is he is gay. At the socials i see him hang around guys mostly, but he talks to anyone that will talk to him... like i said... nice guy.

Well being in the lobby, he stops as he's passing through and says, want to get something to eat later? !!!

he's asking me? I was kinda shocked... i am thinkin... hmmm... how to impress? I was like... well... i was planning on cooking tonight... how about coming over? He's like "sounds great, can i bring anything?" I said "nah... i got everything"

So... i went to the supermarket and thought, okay... what to make. I had thought of making chicken alfredo, but i needed to step it up a notch. So I made crab cakes, and mushroom fettuccini with shrimp alfredo (making sure to call him and ask if he was allergic to shell fish.)

So i start cooking and 6:00 rolls around. He comes down and we start chatting. I give him extra shrimp to nibble on before dinner starts... then everything is finished and we start eating...

The conversation goes here and there. but then we end up talking about cooking. He had asked if i had ever gone to cooking school... i told him i didn't think i needed it, because i learned all my cooking from my parents...

and that's when he said it. "I signed up at a local cooking class to meet girls, but i never ended up meeting any really."

...

ugh... that sexuality enigma was made clear... he was straight. that was a serious blow right in the kidney! but... i didn't show it, and we kept on having a nice conversation... in the end... he was just lookin for friends and people to hang out with. which is cool (but i would have made just chicken alfredo damnit!)

in the end, it was a nice dinner, and he left saying he would call me to let me know when he could return the favor. if i could only catch someone like Joe... *sigh*

such is life