Well... i have been home for 2 days (well.. this is the second day...) and i decided to take a little sabatical from writing in my journal to see how i felt...
For some reason... I am still nervous about my assignment... but not about the work... that I can handle... no... it's the plane trip back and forth... now... that too I can handle... but my general anxiety level has been raised from what was a 4 on a scale of 0 to 10, to about a 7... kinda like what I was before the end of the year... when i wasn't sure what was going on with my job.
Why? isn't it stupid? why am i so paranoid? why why why? it's stupid, and pointless... but here i am... and this is the type of self induced psychological trauma i am talking about... pointless... there is no need for it. and yet... here i am... relatively helpless to do anything about it.
Another catalyst for this event might be next weekend... My mom has issued a summons for me to come home next weekend. 2 events are happening.
1. Family dinner saturday night. This ritual started last year, instead of exchanging gifts with each other during christmas, and people getting gift cards, we decided to give each other the gift of togetherness... A dinner that everyone goes to and pays for themselves to a place randomly selected by someone restaraunt savvy. Just the adults... no kids... Last night it was actually a decent evening that surprisingly enough happened on my birthday. The irony of this is... all of the popular family members still recieve lots of presents (though they should not) because people still buy for them. While the unpopular ones, are stuck with just dinner... fun right?
2. My godmother's 60th birthday party brunch on Sunday. Normally not a big deal... I mean... I love my godmother and all, and wouldn't it be a lovely surprise for her if I showed up. (ofcourse I have to buy a present... but that, is not that big of a deal, as I always get her amathyst/silver jewelery, which by the way, she loves...
So why are these 2 seemingly happy events causing me such grief... SIPT ofcourse... but if i am getting to the route of the matter, its because i didn't have appropriate time to prepare. I was told that these 2 events were occuring this past wednesday. I now have to buy a ticket back and forth to Philly... and I enjoy my home time... especially since i have so little of it now a days. Plus, while my mom says "no pressure" I know she really would like me to be there... so there is that passive agressive pressure that always causes me grief...
So... I took the week to potentially work from home on Feb 18th. I told my mom that this MIGHT happen and she was like, great... you can work from here that week...
w h y m e?
On a completely unrelated note... Kudos goes out to my friend Mel, for doing what I cannot seem to... standing up to her mother after years of oppression, she is taking matters into her own hands and feels resolved to just get away from her Mother Induced Psychological Trauma. Mel... if you're reading this, and I know you are! KUDOS... you are on my mind a lot and I believe you are taking the correct stance. That house is spiritual poison for you and it's time to leave! I write this here, not to expose you to the world... (which you do more than enough for my taste thank you =p~ ) But to offer my support and to know... I have been thinkin about you lots!
Tomorrow... also which could be contributing to my SIPT is my birthday... I will not write about it now... I MIGHT write about it tomorrow... everyone who knows me knows it's a sore subject... tomorrow, should I be in the mood, I will delve into the root cause to let people know where I am coming from... if i decide not to...
happy birthday to me (blows out candles, which inadvertently causes a city wide power outtage)
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