So... yesterday I was able to switch my seat from a middle seat... to a... well... window seat... as that is all they had left. Which didn't really solve my problem of feeling trapped. The whole time, even though i was attempting to calm myself down, it just didn't work... I was on edge the entire time, which is not good, obviously...
In my aggitated state, i left my Archos pocket video/mp3 player in the seat pocket of the plane...
...
I called and alerted delta to this, but i don't expect to see it ever again, and whoever does get it, will have a ton of 80's music, and about 10GB worth of travel-able gay porn! I already have plans to replace it, and to NEVER use the seatpocket again... but i do need to learn how to just calm down and accept my surroundings. *SIGH* with all of this traveling... i KNOW it will happen again and I will be in worse situations...
*sigh* I feel like i lost a traveling companion... *mourn*
on to the other subject at hand... i know i had four good dreams that i remember at the time would make excellent short films... if i could only remember what they were... *sigh*
oh bla dee oh bleh dah...
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
a letter to my friend who is in politics
Just a letter I sent to a friend of mine who is in politics... about my dismay with our current political system... completely un-doable and probably more off the wall than I would like to believe... but i sent it none the less...
===========================
Hey Stacks...
It's been a long time, but I had something on my mind i figured should happen, so I figured, I would go to the one person i really know that does anything truely with politics.
I have to say, I am depressed with the political state this country is in. The republicans, governed by the religious right, the corporate machine, and the overall corrupt people of the world... and the democrats, who to me... have a better philosophy of how things should be run, but have just proven to be an utter dissappointment.
For the last couple years, I have just not been impressed with any, and I mean ANY candidate running for our highest office, or for any office for that matter. I am not saying they are bad people. They are just caught up in so many of the politics, scandals, (INSERT OTHER FAILINGS HERE) that i just don't trust any of them. We need a change... Something that makes sense that ultimately is better for the country, and not just for themselves.
I propose a new political party... the Logic Party!
People who are governed by logic and reason, who makes decisions based on facts, true facts that people research, using true methods. People who are not quite swayed by the lobbyists of the world, and truely do what's correct, fair and just.
I figured, they wouldn't pander to any specific group, as they would be fair to all. Use scientific methods, rather than political pressure. People who would be able to back up their decisions with research, INDEPENDANT research using scientific methods and such to make the appropriate decisions. People who are interested in making things fair for everyone, no matter how unpopular their decisions are with certain "special interests"
Show me a person who can back their decisions up with Facts, who is interested in upholding the rights, freedoms and overall fairness of EVERYONE in the country. Who use logic and reason and not passions to dictate their decisions.
Don't get me wrong... Passions and feelings are good... I just don't want it governing me. I personally think that a logical political party might be the thing needed as a refreshing change...
Sounds like nervana, some people might think it's like a new world order type concept... ultimately, with the state the world is in now a days, i don't think it would truely get off the ground... but i think we really need people in political power that deal in facts... not fiction!
just my $.02...
Other than that, how is everything going with you?
-O
===========================
Hey Stacks...
It's been a long time, but I had something on my mind i figured should happen, so I figured, I would go to the one person i really know that does anything truely with politics.
I have to say, I am depressed with the political state this country is in. The republicans, governed by the religious right, the corporate machine, and the overall corrupt people of the world... and the democrats, who to me... have a better philosophy of how things should be run, but have just proven to be an utter dissappointment.
For the last couple years, I have just not been impressed with any, and I mean ANY candidate running for our highest office, or for any office for that matter. I am not saying they are bad people. They are just caught up in so many of the politics, scandals, (INSERT OTHER FAILINGS HERE) that i just don't trust any of them. We need a change... Something that makes sense that ultimately is better for the country, and not just for themselves.
I propose a new political party... the Logic Party!
People who are governed by logic and reason, who makes decisions based on facts, true facts that people research, using true methods. People who are not quite swayed by the lobbyists of the world, and truely do what's correct, fair and just.
I figured, they wouldn't pander to any specific group, as they would be fair to all. Use scientific methods, rather than political pressure. People who would be able to back up their decisions with research, INDEPENDANT research using scientific methods and such to make the appropriate decisions. People who are interested in making things fair for everyone, no matter how unpopular their decisions are with certain "special interests"
Show me a person who can back their decisions up with Facts, who is interested in upholding the rights, freedoms and overall fairness of EVERYONE in the country. Who use logic and reason and not passions to dictate their decisions.
Don't get me wrong... Passions and feelings are good... I just don't want it governing me. I personally think that a logical political party might be the thing needed as a refreshing change...
Sounds like nervana, some people might think it's like a new world order type concept... ultimately, with the state the world is in now a days, i don't think it would truely get off the ground... but i think we really need people in political power that deal in facts... not fiction!
just my $.02...
Other than that, how is everything going with you?
-O
Meh... I'm not interested
....
normally I am a very wanting person... I usually want this or that... whether it be a new technical gadget that's out, or a boyfriend, or something else physical...
lately... i have been like... eh... no thanks, to everything...
I have $200 to spend at BestBuy and normally I buy myself a birthday present. I was going to use the money (from gift cards) to buy me something kinda fun... I keep looking on the best buy site and the only thing i can think is... meh... i am not interested...
My mother, whom i love dearly, had bought me (and overpaid!) a video camera for my christmas/birthday present. I took it back because she overpaid (and i read the reviews) She wants to get me something special for my birthday, basically told me to pick it out, and she will get it for me.. I am looking around, and found something i want... but it's kinda on the expensive side... so i'm like meh... I keep telling my mom that I didn't forget... she keeps saying, oh good... but ultimately... meh... i can't find it at a good enough price to really be interested...
Normally I am out searching for a boyfriend... feverishly... (probably to the point of desperation) and lately... my thoughts on the matter is... meh... not that interested...
don't get me wrong... if someone truely shows interest and it's in my means to get them... I will be there... but if it doesn't happen... meh... such is life... I know i have expressed this attitude before... but never really and truely meant it...
Apathy has just taken over... if it happens, okay... if it doesn't... meh... i don't know if i am like this because of the birthday incident... which kinda made me feel like some of my friends just didn't care enough to remember me. If it's the drugs I am taking that's causing this... (though they have not before) or what it is... but it's a little disturbing to me... but i just don't care enough to do anything about it...
-o
normally I am a very wanting person... I usually want this or that... whether it be a new technical gadget that's out, or a boyfriend, or something else physical...
lately... i have been like... eh... no thanks, to everything...
I have $200 to spend at BestBuy and normally I buy myself a birthday present. I was going to use the money (from gift cards) to buy me something kinda fun... I keep looking on the best buy site and the only thing i can think is... meh... i am not interested...
My mother, whom i love dearly, had bought me (and overpaid!) a video camera for my christmas/birthday present. I took it back because she overpaid (and i read the reviews) She wants to get me something special for my birthday, basically told me to pick it out, and she will get it for me.. I am looking around, and found something i want... but it's kinda on the expensive side... so i'm like meh... I keep telling my mom that I didn't forget... she keeps saying, oh good... but ultimately... meh... i can't find it at a good enough price to really be interested...
Normally I am out searching for a boyfriend... feverishly... (probably to the point of desperation) and lately... my thoughts on the matter is... meh... not that interested...
don't get me wrong... if someone truely shows interest and it's in my means to get them... I will be there... but if it doesn't happen... meh... such is life... I know i have expressed this attitude before... but never really and truely meant it...
Apathy has just taken over... if it happens, okay... if it doesn't... meh... i don't know if i am like this because of the birthday incident... which kinda made me feel like some of my friends just didn't care enough to remember me. If it's the drugs I am taking that's causing this... (though they have not before) or what it is... but it's a little disturbing to me... but i just don't care enough to do anything about it...
-o
Monday, February 18, 2008
the pains of having a conscious
So... there have been a couple things going on recently...
1. a friend that i have been conversing with on a personals site is planning on coming down to atlanta for a conference or training session for work. He really wants to meet up with me... he's a really nice guy from NYC... we do a lot of flirting... he did mention that he wanted to stay in town a couple extra days... now... assuming this is on a weekend when I am home, he wanted to know if he could stay with me for a night or two to explore the city. He was looking at hotels in the area, and the only "cheap" hotels he could find were down by the airport... well... duh... the airport hotels are in a seedy area... no area around any airport that I am aware of is really "nice"
So... he wanted to know if it was a good area, and how accessible is it to marta, because he wants to hang out with me... now... he mentioned the phrase "if i could stay there" it was kinda in and out of context... So I asked him... "did you just ask if you could stay with me?" He took that as I was inviting him to stay with me for a night and mentioned what happens if some naughty stuff happens?
Well... i mean... he's a nice guy... NO i haven't talked to him on the phone yet, he doesn't look like a serial killer, and he's kinda so skinny, i could definately take him should anything get remotely out of hand, which I know it won't... but what do i do... i gave him a couple alternatives incase i "wasn't in town" for those extra one or two days he was here for... but still... i kinda feel bad... i KNOW i don't owe him anything... but... he's a nice guy... I also don't know how to explain that... well... i am boring... and he would probably be better off at a hotel, though, i think he wants sex... so who knows...
2. whew... number 1 was long wasn't it?
Okay... this is kinda a messed up one...
There is this guy who really likes me... He's really sweet...and super nice... I have chatted with him on the phone on several occasions. He seems to be super smart and has an amazing outlook on life... He's also adorable.
So what's the problem huh?
a. he lives in Rome Ga... about an hour drive, and he doesn't have a car to drive here...
b. he's kinda a convicted sex offender... which he has explained what has happened and hopefully is working on getting his name cleared...
c. he's young... 22 to be exact... like 10 years younger than me... that's kinda tough..
d. *RECORD SCREECH*...
yes... he's a convicted sex offender... i believe that he did not do what he was convicted of... but i have no proof one way or another to validate that claim. All i DO know is, he is out on probation, and he's very sweet... his personality does not appear to be that of a sex offender... and trying to see the good in people... i believe him until proven otherwise.
anyway... he was gone for a while, and he just popped back up again today. He wants to start talking to me again. I have to be honest... I do kinda miss talking to him, but i let him know that anything between us would be very difficult to hold with my job, travel schedule, the fact i don't like to drive, etc... I don't want to blow him off ofcourse... and he has been nothing but nice to me... so... what to do...
3. Yes... 3... there is a guy in this area, who seems to have a job, is fairly stable, etc.. who is interested in me. Despite my warnings (yes... i know) that i travel a lot and such, he would like to get together for a date... I think that's awesome, however, i don't know what's holding me back... probably just myself...
He offered to buy me dinner, I mentioned lets take it a little slower and start with coffee... I mentioned i am not interested in just JUMPING into a relationship because when i do, it always seems to just far apart before it really starts. So I suggested we be friends, and start from there... he agreed, but now i think that he thinks i don't like him... I did mention my travel schedule and he seemed to mention that he didn't mind that etc... i don't know... i have always been single... I have always wanted to be with someone... but... what if i get exactly what I want and than decide i don't want it anymore... *shrug* just my own SIPT talking...
*yawn* it's midnight and i am tired... i am headed to bed.
-O
1. a friend that i have been conversing with on a personals site is planning on coming down to atlanta for a conference or training session for work. He really wants to meet up with me... he's a really nice guy from NYC... we do a lot of flirting... he did mention that he wanted to stay in town a couple extra days... now... assuming this is on a weekend when I am home, he wanted to know if he could stay with me for a night or two to explore the city. He was looking at hotels in the area, and the only "cheap" hotels he could find were down by the airport... well... duh... the airport hotels are in a seedy area... no area around any airport that I am aware of is really "nice"
So... he wanted to know if it was a good area, and how accessible is it to marta, because he wants to hang out with me... now... he mentioned the phrase "if i could stay there" it was kinda in and out of context... So I asked him... "did you just ask if you could stay with me?" He took that as I was inviting him to stay with me for a night and mentioned what happens if some naughty stuff happens?
Well... i mean... he's a nice guy... NO i haven't talked to him on the phone yet, he doesn't look like a serial killer, and he's kinda so skinny, i could definately take him should anything get remotely out of hand, which I know it won't... but what do i do... i gave him a couple alternatives incase i "wasn't in town" for those extra one or two days he was here for... but still... i kinda feel bad... i KNOW i don't owe him anything... but... he's a nice guy... I also don't know how to explain that... well... i am boring... and he would probably be better off at a hotel, though, i think he wants sex... so who knows...
2. whew... number 1 was long wasn't it?
Okay... this is kinda a messed up one...
There is this guy who really likes me... He's really sweet...and super nice... I have chatted with him on the phone on several occasions. He seems to be super smart and has an amazing outlook on life... He's also adorable.
So what's the problem huh?
a. he lives in Rome Ga... about an hour drive, and he doesn't have a car to drive here...
b. he's kinda a convicted sex offender... which he has explained what has happened and hopefully is working on getting his name cleared...
c. he's young... 22 to be exact... like 10 years younger than me... that's kinda tough..
d. *RECORD SCREECH*...
yes... he's a convicted sex offender... i believe that he did not do what he was convicted of... but i have no proof one way or another to validate that claim. All i DO know is, he is out on probation, and he's very sweet... his personality does not appear to be that of a sex offender... and trying to see the good in people... i believe him until proven otherwise.
anyway... he was gone for a while, and he just popped back up again today. He wants to start talking to me again. I have to be honest... I do kinda miss talking to him, but i let him know that anything between us would be very difficult to hold with my job, travel schedule, the fact i don't like to drive, etc... I don't want to blow him off ofcourse... and he has been nothing but nice to me... so... what to do...
3. Yes... 3... there is a guy in this area, who seems to have a job, is fairly stable, etc.. who is interested in me. Despite my warnings (yes... i know) that i travel a lot and such, he would like to get together for a date... I think that's awesome, however, i don't know what's holding me back... probably just myself...
He offered to buy me dinner, I mentioned lets take it a little slower and start with coffee... I mentioned i am not interested in just JUMPING into a relationship because when i do, it always seems to just far apart before it really starts. So I suggested we be friends, and start from there... he agreed, but now i think that he thinks i don't like him... I did mention my travel schedule and he seemed to mention that he didn't mind that etc... i don't know... i have always been single... I have always wanted to be with someone... but... what if i get exactly what I want and than decide i don't want it anymore... *shrug* just my own SIPT talking...
*yawn* it's midnight and i am tired... i am headed to bed.
-O
a couple days off... but i am still here
hey everyone... i decided to take a couple days off and do... well a lot of nothing. my sabbatical is over and tomorrow i will be working again... now granted... I will be working from home... but working none the less...
I am still going through an internal mental evaluation of my friendships... and in my head there have been conversations playing over and over in my head... what do my friends do for me?
now... it's not that i am asking my friends for anything, nor do i think i deserve anything from them, but... like... most of them i never talk to unless i say hi first (note... this is not ALL of my friends... so stop being so paranoid!) but like... most of them never invite me to go visit them... ask me to hang out with them or get a cup of coffee or anything like that. For some, i ONLY hear from them when I call them (or they need something) for more... i hear from them mostly just when they want something i.e. they don't even pick up the phone when i call... and then when i do hear from them... it always starts off as an apology... i mean... come on...
now... i do have friends who don't like to talk on the phone, so they IM me... and that's great! they make an effort to say "hey, I'm alive, just busy... talk to you soon..." Others... well... they make the excuse that they just don't like to communicate, and that's just their nature... it kinda makes me wonder if all of their friendships are that strained.
anyhow... i do really like all of my friends... everyone holds a place in my heart... what the hell am i doing wrong then? Why am I the only one reaching out (most of the time) *shrug*
I don't know... i am headed to bed...
I am still going through an internal mental evaluation of my friendships... and in my head there have been conversations playing over and over in my head... what do my friends do for me?
now... it's not that i am asking my friends for anything, nor do i think i deserve anything from them, but... like... most of them i never talk to unless i say hi first (note... this is not ALL of my friends... so stop being so paranoid!) but like... most of them never invite me to go visit them... ask me to hang out with them or get a cup of coffee or anything like that. For some, i ONLY hear from them when I call them (or they need something) for more... i hear from them mostly just when they want something i.e. they don't even pick up the phone when i call... and then when i do hear from them... it always starts off as an apology... i mean... come on...
now... i do have friends who don't like to talk on the phone, so they IM me... and that's great! they make an effort to say "hey, I'm alive, just busy... talk to you soon..." Others... well... they make the excuse that they just don't like to communicate, and that's just their nature... it kinda makes me wonder if all of their friendships are that strained.
anyhow... i do really like all of my friends... everyone holds a place in my heart... what the hell am i doing wrong then? Why am I the only one reaching out (most of the time) *shrug*
I don't know... i am headed to bed...
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy VD Everyone!
Yes... it's funny how Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease have the same definitions...
It is no seceret that I have been single every Valentine's day for my entire life... I hate this holiday. The only valentine's presents i have ever recieved were from my mother when I was in elementary school. We would always come home to find a heart shaped box full of chocolates, which would be gone that evening... well... most of them... the disgusting ones, would be half eaten and thrown away. Kinda funny that back then, strawberry didn't make me ill. Though I didn't really like them back then anyway.
My good friend Vernard calls this day Single's Awareness Day... SAD for short... which, if you are single and don't want to be (AKA ME) this holiday is sad... love is supposed to be in the air... though i don't feel it... I find Cupid being my least favorite of the greco/roman pantheon... as he has shot me with his arrow several times... but forgot to shoot my target. Little chubby bastard... those little wings always did look stupid... and i hope he soils that diaper! Love Stinks!
At least until I ever (if i ever) find love... then my opinion will most likely change. Until then...
Happy VD world... Take it for what you will!
Love Always...
O
It is no seceret that I have been single every Valentine's day for my entire life... I hate this holiday. The only valentine's presents i have ever recieved were from my mother when I was in elementary school. We would always come home to find a heart shaped box full of chocolates, which would be gone that evening... well... most of them... the disgusting ones, would be half eaten and thrown away. Kinda funny that back then, strawberry didn't make me ill. Though I didn't really like them back then anyway.
My good friend Vernard calls this day Single's Awareness Day... SAD for short... which, if you are single and don't want to be (AKA ME) this holiday is sad... love is supposed to be in the air... though i don't feel it... I find Cupid being my least favorite of the greco/roman pantheon... as he has shot me with his arrow several times... but forgot to shoot my target. Little chubby bastard... those little wings always did look stupid... and i hope he soils that diaper! Love Stinks!
At least until I ever (if i ever) find love... then my opinion will most likely change. Until then...
Happy VD world... Take it for what you will!
Love Always...
O
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
One man's treasure...
is another man's TRASH...
So... this Double Tree Paradise Valley Resort has great potential... It's a beautiful place... large complex with fountains and like 2 pools... VERY picturesque... It's also a favorite of my co-worker Sanjay... He LOVES it there...
For me... it's a nightmare so far...
Every time i walk into the room, it smells like chemical cleaner... and like the stinky kind... it might not to other people... but it certainly does to me!!!!!
Last night, i went to the Chipolte grill, a new favorite place of mine, to get a burrito (i love the chicken ones with extra guac!!!) and a coke...
I got to my room last night... to find out that my key did not work... !!! I tried and tried and tried...
Now... this doubletree is not really a hotel... it is a resort... and they were like villas all over the place... and my villa was in the back corner, and the office was in the front center... it's like a 5 minute walk... especially if you don't know where you're going... so i followed the maps (yes... i needed a map) to get to the office, with my burrito in one hand, (in the bag ofcourse) and my soda, with my backpack and jacket... to the front desk... I finally got there after 2 wrong turns, and went to the front desk... I mentioned that this place is really inconvienent when your key doesn't work...
The guy behind the desk apologized and recharged my key, said he wasn't sure what happened, but keep the key away from computers, wallets, and magnets of any kind!
!!!!!!
umm... okay... so i treked back with my now cold burrito (no microwave in the room (or fridge!) i ate.. and everything seemed to be okay... hopped online and everything seemed to be okay... Went to sleep... kinda restless, but that's normal...
this morning... i get up, get a shower, and went to go shave... and my razor was gone... i.e. no where to be found... i checked my bag... not there... the whole bathroom was devoid of my razor... I can only deduce that the cleaning people threw it out... because i shaved yesterday... and all was well... but today... i am all scruffy... without a razor.. so i have to go buy one today...
*sigh*
perhaps tonight will be better.
So... this Double Tree Paradise Valley Resort has great potential... It's a beautiful place... large complex with fountains and like 2 pools... VERY picturesque... It's also a favorite of my co-worker Sanjay... He LOVES it there...
For me... it's a nightmare so far...
Every time i walk into the room, it smells like chemical cleaner... and like the stinky kind... it might not to other people... but it certainly does to me!!!!!
Last night, i went to the Chipolte grill, a new favorite place of mine, to get a burrito (i love the chicken ones with extra guac!!!) and a coke...
I got to my room last night... to find out that my key did not work... !!! I tried and tried and tried...
Now... this doubletree is not really a hotel... it is a resort... and they were like villas all over the place... and my villa was in the back corner, and the office was in the front center... it's like a 5 minute walk... especially if you don't know where you're going... so i followed the maps (yes... i needed a map) to get to the office, with my burrito in one hand, (in the bag ofcourse) and my soda, with my backpack and jacket... to the front desk... I finally got there after 2 wrong turns, and went to the front desk... I mentioned that this place is really inconvienent when your key doesn't work...
The guy behind the desk apologized and recharged my key, said he wasn't sure what happened, but keep the key away from computers, wallets, and magnets of any kind!
!!!!!!
umm... okay... so i treked back with my now cold burrito (no microwave in the room (or fridge!) i ate.. and everything seemed to be okay... hopped online and everything seemed to be okay... Went to sleep... kinda restless, but that's normal...
this morning... i get up, get a shower, and went to go shave... and my razor was gone... i.e. no where to be found... i checked my bag... not there... the whole bathroom was devoid of my razor... I can only deduce that the cleaning people threw it out... because i shaved yesterday... and all was well... but today... i am all scruffy... without a razor.. so i have to go buy one today...
*sigh*
perhaps tonight will be better.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Dreams last night
Well... it seems as though it's painfully obvious that I just don't sleep well in hotels in a different time zone... I keep waking up... I also seem to have dreams when I am away from home...
Last night I had several... but while I remembered most of them at the time, only one sticks out in my head as I am writing this entry...
So... I was in Middle School... at least, in my middle school auditorium, and I was being requested to play the trumpet at a concert... So we are at a practice... and I keep trying to make the trumpet play any kind of real sound... but nothing is coming out but squeeks... I, ofcourse, played the trombone, NOT the trumpet. I kept asking the conductor if i could switch... he kept saying no... I am fine... I kept tryin... and I kept squeekin... *shrug*
No climax to the dream... just kinda trapped that's all... I wonder what it means.
Then I woke up...
Last night I had several... but while I remembered most of them at the time, only one sticks out in my head as I am writing this entry...
So... I was in Middle School... at least, in my middle school auditorium, and I was being requested to play the trumpet at a concert... So we are at a practice... and I keep trying to make the trumpet play any kind of real sound... but nothing is coming out but squeeks... I, ofcourse, played the trombone, NOT the trumpet. I kept asking the conductor if i could switch... he kept saying no... I am fine... I kept tryin... and I kept squeekin... *shrug*
No climax to the dream... just kinda trapped that's all... I wonder what it means.
Then I woke up...
Monday, February 11, 2008
Greetings again from Arizona
Hello...
First I would like to say... i feel much better than i did yesterday evening when I wrote that journal entry. MUCH better! It was difficult... and believe it or not... i actually got shit from my post... pretty much saying "I am a mess" I wrote him back and feel better about it.
On the bright side, it's BEAUTIFUL here in Arizona, and I was given a Mitsubishi Eclipse Convertible as an upgrade for my car... YAY is all i have to say. I drove from the airport to work with the top down! it was a little dusty on the highway... but it was AWESOME!!! THANKS AVIS!!!!!
So... here I am... I don't really have much to say... much like other things that make me upset, the feeling fades over time... and they will soon be forgiven and mostly forgotten... as it always happens. To those who read the journal entry yesterday and felt some agnst that it could be you... well... you know if it was pointed in your general direction, but all things being equal... it's not an issue for me anymore... so you don't have to worry about it okay... All is well in my world at the moment... I am in Arizona... state where the ENTIRE 2 times i have been here (for a total of 6 days) i have only seen 4 black people... I will keep a running count... It's just this place is whiter than Whitey Mc Whiterson... which is fine... but i like working with some diversity.... it keeps things interesting...
but... oh... btw... them Arizona boys.... (of legal age ofcourse) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM *drool*
what was I saying? oh... umm... yeah... wrapping this up...
btw... I saw Stardust last night... All I have to say is... AWESOME MOVIE... if you haven't had a chance to see it... Please do!
ummm... till next time... CIAO all
First I would like to say... i feel much better than i did yesterday evening when I wrote that journal entry. MUCH better! It was difficult... and believe it or not... i actually got shit from my post... pretty much saying "I am a mess" I wrote him back and feel better about it.
On the bright side, it's BEAUTIFUL here in Arizona, and I was given a Mitsubishi Eclipse Convertible as an upgrade for my car... YAY is all i have to say. I drove from the airport to work with the top down! it was a little dusty on the highway... but it was AWESOME!!! THANKS AVIS!!!!!
So... here I am... I don't really have much to say... much like other things that make me upset, the feeling fades over time... and they will soon be forgiven and mostly forgotten... as it always happens. To those who read the journal entry yesterday and felt some agnst that it could be you... well... you know if it was pointed in your general direction, but all things being equal... it's not an issue for me anymore... so you don't have to worry about it okay... All is well in my world at the moment... I am in Arizona... state where the ENTIRE 2 times i have been here (for a total of 6 days) i have only seen 4 black people... I will keep a running count... It's just this place is whiter than Whitey Mc Whiterson... which is fine... but i like working with some diversity.... it keeps things interesting...
but... oh... btw... them Arizona boys.... (of legal age ofcourse) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM *drool*
what was I saying? oh... umm... yeah... wrapping this up...
btw... I saw Stardust last night... All I have to say is... AWESOME MOVIE... if you haven't had a chance to see it... Please do!
ummm... till next time... CIAO all
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Birthday...
So... honestly... i had a mostly pleasant, uneventful birthday. My family all called and wished me a happy birthday! I got an email from my cousin, it was nice...
I had invited some friends over to just hang out for a while today. I did this last week in various intervals etc...
This morning I woke up and put on a big pot of gravy. Made a carrot cake (my favorite) and decided that despite my normal birthday blues... I wouldn't let it get me down...
out of 10 - 15 people i invited, 2 showed up... now... one of them told me that he would try to get here but he had to work... to all of the others... they just didn't bother to show up...
I called one of my friends and just asked "hey... how's it going?" he's like... oh... we have just been hanging around home... doin nothing all day. I mentioned to him I thought he was coming over today (this was at like 7pm) He said... well... I thought we would just stick around here today... I said... but it's my birthday...
He said... "oh shit, this makes me look stupid" I said "don't worry about it... hardly anyone i invited showed up..."
If i was a stronger person, when I hung up the phone... I would have just gone on packing... instead i just sat down and cried... I know my friends are busy... but they spend weeks trying to get the date of my birthday... and when the date comes around... i don't get a phone call... why are they asking for my birthday then?!?!?!?!? When i say don't worry about it... they should just do that... not worry about it.
I cried because i try and put a lot of effort into the frienship of people... I go out of my way to help them in times of crisis and such... I guess all at once... I felt like just a crutch for people... there when they need it... but when they don't need it... they just keep it in the back of a closet somewhere... till the next time they need it...
I actually thought the cry was theraputic... but in the same sense... it never should have happened on my birthday... I just feel like a fool...
I THOUGHT of calling people to remind them... But... then that puts all of the responsibility on me... they all said they would be happy to come... but they didn't even call... apparently I am not even a blip on their radar... I guess i should just expect less or nothing from people... it sucks... but it's true...
So... this birthday... again... was confirmation why... i just don't like my birthday... not because i didn't want to be born... but it's just another day, and in the grande scheme of things... is usually a bad one...
My friend Mel was like... perhaps its time to get new friends... *sigh*... i just don't know what to do... I love all my friends dearly... I am just wondering... do they feel the same about me?
*blows out the candles*
I had invited some friends over to just hang out for a while today. I did this last week in various intervals etc...
This morning I woke up and put on a big pot of gravy. Made a carrot cake (my favorite) and decided that despite my normal birthday blues... I wouldn't let it get me down...
out of 10 - 15 people i invited, 2 showed up... now... one of them told me that he would try to get here but he had to work... to all of the others... they just didn't bother to show up...
I called one of my friends and just asked "hey... how's it going?" he's like... oh... we have just been hanging around home... doin nothing all day. I mentioned to him I thought he was coming over today (this was at like 7pm) He said... well... I thought we would just stick around here today... I said... but it's my birthday...
He said... "oh shit, this makes me look stupid" I said "don't worry about it... hardly anyone i invited showed up..."
If i was a stronger person, when I hung up the phone... I would have just gone on packing... instead i just sat down and cried... I know my friends are busy... but they spend weeks trying to get the date of my birthday... and when the date comes around... i don't get a phone call... why are they asking for my birthday then?!?!?!?!? When i say don't worry about it... they should just do that... not worry about it.
I cried because i try and put a lot of effort into the frienship of people... I go out of my way to help them in times of crisis and such... I guess all at once... I felt like just a crutch for people... there when they need it... but when they don't need it... they just keep it in the back of a closet somewhere... till the next time they need it...
I actually thought the cry was theraputic... but in the same sense... it never should have happened on my birthday... I just feel like a fool...
I THOUGHT of calling people to remind them... But... then that puts all of the responsibility on me... they all said they would be happy to come... but they didn't even call... apparently I am not even a blip on their radar... I guess i should just expect less or nothing from people... it sucks... but it's true...
So... this birthday... again... was confirmation why... i just don't like my birthday... not because i didn't want to be born... but it's just another day, and in the grande scheme of things... is usually a bad one...
My friend Mel was like... perhaps its time to get new friends... *sigh*... i just don't know what to do... I love all my friends dearly... I am just wondering... do they feel the same about me?
*blows out the candles*
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Still nervous over nothing.... yes... STILL
Well... i have been home for 2 days (well.. this is the second day...) and i decided to take a little sabatical from writing in my journal to see how i felt...
For some reason... I am still nervous about my assignment... but not about the work... that I can handle... no... it's the plane trip back and forth... now... that too I can handle... but my general anxiety level has been raised from what was a 4 on a scale of 0 to 10, to about a 7... kinda like what I was before the end of the year... when i wasn't sure what was going on with my job.
Why? isn't it stupid? why am i so paranoid? why why why? it's stupid, and pointless... but here i am... and this is the type of self induced psychological trauma i am talking about... pointless... there is no need for it. and yet... here i am... relatively helpless to do anything about it.
Another catalyst for this event might be next weekend... My mom has issued a summons for me to come home next weekend. 2 events are happening.
1. Family dinner saturday night. This ritual started last year, instead of exchanging gifts with each other during christmas, and people getting gift cards, we decided to give each other the gift of togetherness... A dinner that everyone goes to and pays for themselves to a place randomly selected by someone restaraunt savvy. Just the adults... no kids... Last night it was actually a decent evening that surprisingly enough happened on my birthday. The irony of this is... all of the popular family members still recieve lots of presents (though they should not) because people still buy for them. While the unpopular ones, are stuck with just dinner... fun right?
2. My godmother's 60th birthday party brunch on Sunday. Normally not a big deal... I mean... I love my godmother and all, and wouldn't it be a lovely surprise for her if I showed up. (ofcourse I have to buy a present... but that, is not that big of a deal, as I always get her amathyst/silver jewelery, which by the way, she loves...
So why are these 2 seemingly happy events causing me such grief... SIPT ofcourse... but if i am getting to the route of the matter, its because i didn't have appropriate time to prepare. I was told that these 2 events were occuring this past wednesday. I now have to buy a ticket back and forth to Philly... and I enjoy my home time... especially since i have so little of it now a days. Plus, while my mom says "no pressure" I know she really would like me to be there... so there is that passive agressive pressure that always causes me grief...
So... I took the week to potentially work from home on Feb 18th. I told my mom that this MIGHT happen and she was like, great... you can work from here that week...
w h y m e?
On a completely unrelated note... Kudos goes out to my friend Mel, for doing what I cannot seem to... standing up to her mother after years of oppression, she is taking matters into her own hands and feels resolved to just get away from her Mother Induced Psychological Trauma. Mel... if you're reading this, and I know you are! KUDOS... you are on my mind a lot and I believe you are taking the correct stance. That house is spiritual poison for you and it's time to leave! I write this here, not to expose you to the world... (which you do more than enough for my taste thank you =p~ ) But to offer my support and to know... I have been thinkin about you lots!
Tomorrow... also which could be contributing to my SIPT is my birthday... I will not write about it now... I MIGHT write about it tomorrow... everyone who knows me knows it's a sore subject... tomorrow, should I be in the mood, I will delve into the root cause to let people know where I am coming from... if i decide not to...
happy birthday to me (blows out candles, which inadvertently causes a city wide power outtage)
For some reason... I am still nervous about my assignment... but not about the work... that I can handle... no... it's the plane trip back and forth... now... that too I can handle... but my general anxiety level has been raised from what was a 4 on a scale of 0 to 10, to about a 7... kinda like what I was before the end of the year... when i wasn't sure what was going on with my job.
Why? isn't it stupid? why am i so paranoid? why why why? it's stupid, and pointless... but here i am... and this is the type of self induced psychological trauma i am talking about... pointless... there is no need for it. and yet... here i am... relatively helpless to do anything about it.
Another catalyst for this event might be next weekend... My mom has issued a summons for me to come home next weekend. 2 events are happening.
1. Family dinner saturday night. This ritual started last year, instead of exchanging gifts with each other during christmas, and people getting gift cards, we decided to give each other the gift of togetherness... A dinner that everyone goes to and pays for themselves to a place randomly selected by someone restaraunt savvy. Just the adults... no kids... Last night it was actually a decent evening that surprisingly enough happened on my birthday. The irony of this is... all of the popular family members still recieve lots of presents (though they should not) because people still buy for them. While the unpopular ones, are stuck with just dinner... fun right?
2. My godmother's 60th birthday party brunch on Sunday. Normally not a big deal... I mean... I love my godmother and all, and wouldn't it be a lovely surprise for her if I showed up. (ofcourse I have to buy a present... but that, is not that big of a deal, as I always get her amathyst/silver jewelery, which by the way, she loves...
So why are these 2 seemingly happy events causing me such grief... SIPT ofcourse... but if i am getting to the route of the matter, its because i didn't have appropriate time to prepare. I was told that these 2 events were occuring this past wednesday. I now have to buy a ticket back and forth to Philly... and I enjoy my home time... especially since i have so little of it now a days. Plus, while my mom says "no pressure" I know she really would like me to be there... so there is that passive agressive pressure that always causes me grief...
So... I took the week to potentially work from home on Feb 18th. I told my mom that this MIGHT happen and she was like, great... you can work from here that week...
w h y m e?
On a completely unrelated note... Kudos goes out to my friend Mel, for doing what I cannot seem to... standing up to her mother after years of oppression, she is taking matters into her own hands and feels resolved to just get away from her Mother Induced Psychological Trauma. Mel... if you're reading this, and I know you are! KUDOS... you are on my mind a lot and I believe you are taking the correct stance. That house is spiritual poison for you and it's time to leave! I write this here, not to expose you to the world... (which you do more than enough for my taste thank you =p~ ) But to offer my support and to know... I have been thinkin about you lots!
Tomorrow... also which could be contributing to my SIPT is my birthday... I will not write about it now... I MIGHT write about it tomorrow... everyone who knows me knows it's a sore subject... tomorrow, should I be in the mood, I will delve into the root cause to let people know where I am coming from... if i decide not to...
happy birthday to me (blows out candles, which inadvertently causes a city wide power outtage)
Thursday, February 7, 2008
End of the First Week
So... it's thursday at 10:30 and I am winding down my work week. I will be heading to the airport at around 1/1:30, return the rent-a-car, and wait patiently for my plane...
First week was a success... though... i am wondering what i am doing here... what i got myself into. Is this the right move? only time will tell i guess... life has a funny way of telling you what you want... even when you aren't sure it's the correct decision.
Though, ofcourse, there are those people who decide to take a walk outside late at night because it's what life tells them to do, only to find that they have sealed their fate and got robbed and shot essentially crippling them or killing them. Where is the wisdom in life there huh? HUH?
well... i don't think this will be a crippling move for me... though who knows...
It's a nice night out... I think I will take a walk *Whistle*
First week was a success... though... i am wondering what i am doing here... what i got myself into. Is this the right move? only time will tell i guess... life has a funny way of telling you what you want... even when you aren't sure it's the correct decision.
Though, ofcourse, there are those people who decide to take a walk outside late at night because it's what life tells them to do, only to find that they have sealed their fate and got robbed and shot essentially crippling them or killing them. Where is the wisdom in life there huh? HUH?
well... i don't think this will be a crippling move for me... though who knows...
It's a nice night out... I think I will take a walk *Whistle*
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Conversation
Below is a conversation i had with a friend of mine... he's gay and apparently in love with Jesus and such... I have copied the conversation here that I have just had with him. I have changed his screenname to Friend to protect him... Am I wrong here in my responses? this is like the 15th conversation i have had with him about this and well... he just doesn't understand
[13:55] lucentalchemy:
[13:55] Friend: sup dude?
[13:56] lucentalchemy: not much... just workin
[13:56] Friend: are u still in arizona?
[13:56] lucentalchemy: yup
[13:56] lucentalchemy: i fly home tomorrow night
[13:56] Friend: cool
[13:56] lucentalchemy: yup
[13:57] Friend: noce
[13:57] Friend: nice
[13:57] Friend: have u been out there?
[13:57] lucentalchemy: this is my firs time
[13:57] Friend: ok
[13:58] lucentalchemy: but it's nice
[13:58] lucentalchemy: lots of mountains
[13:58] lucentalchemy: sand
[13:58] Friend: where in arizona are u?
[13:58] lucentalchemy: Scottsdale
[13:58] Friend: yeah i have been there
[13:58] lucentalchemy: next to Phoenix
[13:58] Friend: but in summer time is extremely hottttttt
[14:11] lucentalchemy: i know... but that's why they have air conditioning
[14:11] Friend: yeah
[14:11] Friend: i guess
[14:12] Friend: i have some relatives living there
[14:12] Friend: in phoenix
[14:12] lucentalchemy: cool
[14:12] Friend: they are assholes
[14:13] Friend: they think are better coz they are white
[14:13] lucentalchemy: oh... well then i am sorry
[14:13] Friend: that's ok
[14:17] Friend: would u ever like to go to holy land?
[14:17] lucentalchemy: the holy lands? or just any holy land?
[14:17] Friend: i ma talkig about the bible here
[14:17] Friend: hello
[14:18] lucentalchemy: there are lots of holy lands... jerusalem, the vatican, bethlehem
[14:18] lucentalchemy: etc...
[14:18] Friend: vativa isn't holy
[14:18] Friend: vatican
[14:18] Friend: sorry
[14:18] lucentalchemy: i guess you aren't catholic
[14:19] Friend: i was
[14:20] lucentalchemy: well... anyway... no... i have no interest in going there
[14:20] Friend: are u kidding me
[14:20] Friend: ok
[14:21] Friend: i'd love to but i'd be afraid
[14:21] lucentalchemy: no... i am not kidding you
[14:21] lucentalchemy: remember... i am not a christian... i just don't care to go there...
[14:21] Friend: u don't belive in gad?
[14:22] Friend: believe
[14:22] Friend: god
[14:22] lucentalchemy: i believe in god... i don't believe in christianity
[14:22] lucentalchemy: haven't we had this conversation before?
[14:22] Friend: yeah
[14:22] Friend: man i ma trying to help u a little bit here
[14:23] lucentalchemy: i appreciate it... but i don't think i need the help... if i go to hell... i go to hell...
[14:23] lucentalchemy: i don't think there is such a place
[14:23] Friend: ok man just remeber that i tried to help
[14:23] Friend: remeber
[14:23] lucentalchemy: i will...
[14:23] Friend: remember
[14:23] Friend: ok
[14:27] lucentalchemy: i would like you to do some research if you can
[14:28] Friend: i ma doing it just now
[14:28] Friend: about what?
[14:28] lucentalchemy: i want you to research the history of christianity and the bible
[14:28] lucentalchemy: not what's in it
[14:28] lucentalchemy: the events around it
[14:28] Friend: ok
[14:28] Friend: i know some
[14:28] lucentalchemy: how it came to be the dominant religion
[14:29] lucentalchemy: all the way back to when it was just a Cult
[14:29] Friend: ok
[14:33] Friend: jeff i am gonna ask u something ok?
[14:33] lucentalchemy: sure
[14:34] Friend: aren't u really really christina/? very deep inside?
[14:34] lucentalchemy: no
[14:34] lucentalchemy: i am not
[14:34] lucentalchemy: christianity believes in Jesus is the only way to god
[14:35] lucentalchemy: i do not believe that
[14:35] Friend: yeah
[14:35] lucentalchemy: so i am not christian
[14:35] Friend: are u a jew then?
[14:35] lucentalchemy: no
[14:35] lucentalchemy: i am not a jew
[14:35] lucentalchemy: i don't believe in just one god
[14:36] Friend: well there are only true religions and that christianity and jewsh
[14:36] lucentalchemy: i am glad that you believe that
[14:37] lucentalchemy: but there are other religions that are practiced that are older... and full of just as much faith as christianity
[14:37] Friend: i don't know what the gods u believe in did because mine created everything even u
[14:37] lucentalchemy: that's what you believe
[14:38] lucentalchemy: and that's nice... but not everyone believes what you do
[14:38] Friend: that's what i know for sure
[14:38] lucentalchemy: prove it
[14:38] Friend: that's the only truth
[14:38] lucentalchemy: if it's true... prove it
[14:39] Friend: it is in the most amazing book in the hostory of mankind
[14:39] Friend: is called the bible
[14:39] Friend: THE BIBLE
[14:39] lucentalchemy: prove to me that its true
[14:41] Friend: the prove is there u are just to blind to see it
[14:41] Friend: man i hope someday god comes to you and make u understand
[14:42] lucentalchemy: well... maybe
[14:42] Friend: u have a good, wonderful heart because the one that created u mede u that way
[14:43] Friend: ad he knows where u are what u do and he is gonna ask u to come back to him someday
[14:43] Friend: is gonna be your chose to decide what to do
[14:44] Friend: your soul was created in heaven long before ths world was created
[14:44] Friend: we are here for just one reason and it is to earn the way back to the place we really belong to
[14:45] lucentalchemy: maybe... i don't know... i haven't gotten that call yet
[14:45] Friend: we were not supposed too be here but one day in heaven we turned our backs on god
[14:45] Friend: may be u are grtting it now
[14:45] Friend: getting
[14:45] lucentalchemy: all i know is... i am not his friend according to the bible... and i have no reason to think i will be anytime soon...
[14:46] Friend: we dont; belong to this world don;t u see it
[14:46] Friend: we are here one day and the next one we are gone
[14:46] Friend: just like that
[14:46] Friend: something comes out of your body and you aare gone
[14:47] Friend: u go back where u belong
[14:47] Friend: if u did find the way
[14:47] lucentalchemy: sweetie... i love you dearly... please don't try and convert me to christianity... i have been a christian... i have had full on religious discussions... i am not interested in christian mythology... if i go back... i will find it my own way
[14:47] Friend: ok
[14:48] Friend: i jsut think i needed to let u know
[14:48] lucentalchemy: if you want to stop talking to me because i won't change... that's up to you... but i don't try and force or convince my beliefs on others... I can only hope they will do the same
[14:48] lucentalchemy: i do appreciate it... i really do
[14:48] Friend: ok
[14:49] Friend: 
[14:49] Friend: Your buddy has sent you a cool Emoticon, to get it click http://www.smileyhub.com/s.asp?im=Yahoo&ref=3&ses=66555446&rsn=2&app=15835105&cont=\@TCBE(2006a)(0)$V=2,S=66555446$\@TCEE
[14:49] lucentalchemy: but i have heard the message...
[14:49] Friend: that;s all that matters now
[14:49] lucentalchemy: to me... it doesn't call to my heart..
[14:50] Friend: coz u blind yourself with your gayness that all it brings to you is pain,suffering and loneliness
[14:50] Friend: i wish i could stop being gay
[14:51] lucentalchemy: whether i am gay or not
[14:51] lucentalchemy: believe it or not... there are straight people who are good people who are not christians
[14:51] lucentalchemy: before i even knew i was gay i never liked church... i felt it was being forced on me... and i just don't like that
[14:52] Friend: yeah i know but they think they belong to this worl and they better enjoy it because that's gonna be it for them
[14:52] lucentalchemy: what if you're wrong?
[14:53] Friend: i ma still gonna have a wonderful life here
[14:53] Friend: just like right now man i never felt so good and and happy in all my life
[14:53] lucentalchemy: then let others have the same... i choose to believe in god the way i want to...
[14:54] Friend: being gay is of this world and it tries to keep u to enter the next one or one where u belong and what's all that matters
[14:55] lucentalchemy: then stop being gay
[14:55] lucentalchemy: if that's what god wants... just stop
[14:58] Meebo Message: Friend is offline
[14:59] Meebo Message: Friend is online
[15:00] Friend: i hope someday i won't need a gu and if i find one i want to base my realtionship with him in faithfulness and respect
[15:00] lucentalchemy: you actually don't need one now
[15:00] lucentalchemy: i don't have one
[15:01] Friend: and i think my job and the reason od me being gay is to help or bring the message to this comunity
[15:01] lucentalchemy: you can join exodus international
[15:01] Friend: how do i get there
[15:02] lucentalchemy: go to google and search for exgay
[15:02] lucentalchemy: they are gay people who have turned straight with the help of god
[15:02] lucentalchemy: and electro-shock therapy
[15:03] Friend: man i don;t want to turn straigth
[15:03] Friend: i wish i could give up on my sexuality at all
[15:03] lucentalchemy: yes you do... because it's what god wants you to be
[15:04] lucentalchemy: read what you are writing
[15:04] lucentalchemy: what you are trying to tell me
[15:04] lucentalchemy: i have gotten the message... i just want want it...
[15:04] lucentalchemy: you are saying the message... but don't get it
[15:04] Friend: I DON'T WANT TO BE STRAIGHT I WISH I COULD GIVE UP ON MY SEXUALITY AT ALL
[15:04] lucentalchemy: with christianity its all or nothing
[15:04] lucentalchemy: you can
[15:04] lucentalchemy: get castrated
[15:05] lucentalchemy:
[15:05] Friend: that's being weak
[15:05] lucentalchemy: it's not being weak
[15:05] lucentalchemy: it's a tool
[15:05] Friend: yes it is
[15:05] Friend: to me
[15:06] lucentalchemy: then just give up sex
[15:06] Friend: i wish i could
[15:07] lucentalchemy: you can
[15:07] lucentalchemy: just do it
[15:07] lucentalchemy: stop going to bars
[15:08] lucentalchemy: stop putting yourself into situations that will make you want to have sex
[15:08] Friend: man i ma human i wish that would be possible
[15:08] Friend: but i ma weak
[15:08] Friend: i love man
[15:08] Friend: men
[15:08] lucentalchemy: now... to me... that's being weak... castration is at least taking a step to what you want
[15:08] lucentalchemy: just saying "i am weak" it means you don't really want it
[15:08] lucentalchemy: but expect everyone else to follow what you're saying
[15:09] Friend: well at least i am trying some don't even care
[15:09] lucentalchemy: but you're not trying
[15:10] lucentalchemy: you are just saying you want to try
[15:10] Friend: that's still something
[15:10] lucentalchemy: no... it's not
[15:10] lucentalchemy: actually
[15:11] lucentalchemy: you are trying to force me to believe something you say you believe... but don't do...
[15:11] lucentalchemy: the path to hell is paved with good intentions... that's a quote that someone famous said
[15:11] Friend: i ma not trying to force u
[15:11] lucentalchemy: i don't remember off the top of my head who it was
[15:12] lucentalchemy: but you are trying to force me
[15:12] lucentalchemy: go back and read what you are saying
[15:13] Friend: i ma sorry if u took it that way i would ever do that
[15:13] lucentalchemy: we have just gone through this over and over again
[15:13] Friend: do i win anything from it?
[15:13] lucentalchemy: name one vegetable you hate
[15:13] Friend: why do u think i do it for?
[15:14] Friend: none really
[15:14] lucentalchemy: name something you hate doing
[15:14] Friend: talking to people that refuse to understand
[15:15] lucentalchemy: ...
[15:15] lucentalchemy: i do understand...
[15:15] lucentalchemy: i think that might be what's frustrating to you... i do fully understand... i just choose not to believe what you do... because i have my own beliefs
[15:16] Friend: man but u believe in fake gods i want to help u to save your soul
[15:16] Friend: even if i don't save mine
[15:17] lucentalchemy: my gods are not fake...
[15:17] lucentalchemy: and that is very rude and arrogant to say to anyone
[15:17] lucentalchemy: basically you just said
[15:17] lucentalchemy: everything you believe is just wrong... because i said so
[15:18] Friend: because i know so
[15:18] lucentalchemy: and that's fine that you "know so" but i know different
[15:18] lucentalchemy: you just can't accept the fact that someone else might be right
[15:19] lucentalchemy: and you can't prove it... you just point to a book...
[15:19] lucentalchemy: don't get me wrong... it's good to have faith...
[15:19] Friend: ok man
[15:19] Friend: i tried
[15:19] lucentalchemy: but forcing your beliefs on other people... and saying "i'm right and you're wrong" have caused so many wars and pain
[15:20] lucentalchemy: did you ever think that i could be trying too?
[15:21] lucentalchemy: just trying to open your eyes
[15:21] Friend: maybe
[15:22] Friend: all i know is that u have a good heart and that come from the only god that exists
[15:22] lucentalchemy: i have been on this earth for 32 years... i have heard a lot of the stories... i have made up my own mind.. all i ask... is that i be allowed to believe what i believe without being told "i don't care... you're wrong"
[15:24] Friend: man i never meant to hurt your feelings
[15:25] lucentalchemy: well... normally you don't... but this time you did... i don't hate you or anything... but i just don't want to talk about this anymore
[13:55] lucentalchemy:
[13:55] Friend: sup dude?
[13:56] lucentalchemy: not much... just workin
[13:56] Friend: are u still in arizona?
[13:56] lucentalchemy: yup
[13:56] lucentalchemy: i fly home tomorrow night
[13:56] Friend: cool
[13:56] lucentalchemy: yup
[13:57] Friend: noce
[13:57] Friend: nice
[13:57] Friend: have u been out there?
[13:57] lucentalchemy: this is my firs time
[13:57] Friend: ok
[13:58] lucentalchemy: but it's nice
[13:58] lucentalchemy: lots of mountains
[13:58] lucentalchemy: sand
[13:58] Friend: where in arizona are u?
[13:58] lucentalchemy: Scottsdale
[13:58] Friend: yeah i have been there
[13:58] lucentalchemy: next to Phoenix
[13:58] Friend: but in summer time is extremely hottttttt
[14:11] lucentalchemy: i know... but that's why they have air conditioning
[14:11] Friend: yeah
[14:11] Friend: i guess
[14:12] Friend: i have some relatives living there
[14:12] Friend: in phoenix
[14:12] lucentalchemy: cool
[14:12] Friend: they are assholes
[14:13] Friend: they think are better coz they are white
[14:13] lucentalchemy: oh... well then i am sorry
[14:13] Friend: that's ok
[14:17] Friend: would u ever like to go to holy land?
[14:17] lucentalchemy: the holy lands? or just any holy land?
[14:17] Friend: i ma talkig about the bible here
[14:17] Friend: hello
[14:18] lucentalchemy: there are lots of holy lands... jerusalem, the vatican, bethlehem
[14:18] lucentalchemy: etc...
[14:18] Friend: vativa isn't holy
[14:18] Friend: vatican
[14:18] Friend: sorry
[14:18] lucentalchemy: i guess you aren't catholic
[14:19] Friend: i was
[14:20] lucentalchemy: well... anyway... no... i have no interest in going there
[14:20] Friend: are u kidding me
[14:20] Friend: ok
[14:21] Friend: i'd love to but i'd be afraid
[14:21] lucentalchemy: no... i am not kidding you
[14:21] lucentalchemy: remember... i am not a christian... i just don't care to go there...
[14:21] Friend: u don't belive in gad?
[14:22] Friend: believe
[14:22] Friend: god
[14:22] lucentalchemy: i believe in god... i don't believe in christianity
[14:22] lucentalchemy: haven't we had this conversation before?
[14:22] Friend: yeah
[14:22] Friend: man i ma trying to help u a little bit here
[14:23] lucentalchemy: i appreciate it... but i don't think i need the help... if i go to hell... i go to hell...
[14:23] lucentalchemy: i don't think there is such a place
[14:23] Friend: ok man just remeber that i tried to help
[14:23] Friend: remeber
[14:23] lucentalchemy: i will...
[14:23] Friend: remember
[14:23] Friend: ok
[14:27] lucentalchemy: i would like you to do some research if you can
[14:28] Friend: i ma doing it just now
[14:28] Friend: about what?
[14:28] lucentalchemy: i want you to research the history of christianity and the bible
[14:28] lucentalchemy: not what's in it
[14:28] lucentalchemy: the events around it
[14:28] Friend: ok
[14:28] Friend: i know some
[14:28] lucentalchemy: how it came to be the dominant religion
[14:29] lucentalchemy: all the way back to when it was just a Cult
[14:29] Friend: ok
[14:33] Friend: jeff i am gonna ask u something ok?
[14:33] lucentalchemy: sure
[14:34] Friend: aren't u really really christina/? very deep inside?
[14:34] lucentalchemy: no
[14:34] lucentalchemy: i am not
[14:34] lucentalchemy: christianity believes in Jesus is the only way to god
[14:35] lucentalchemy: i do not believe that
[14:35] Friend: yeah
[14:35] lucentalchemy: so i am not christian
[14:35] Friend: are u a jew then?
[14:35] lucentalchemy: no
[14:35] lucentalchemy: i am not a jew
[14:35] lucentalchemy: i don't believe in just one god
[14:36] Friend: well there are only true religions and that christianity and jewsh
[14:36] lucentalchemy: i am glad that you believe that
[14:37] lucentalchemy: but there are other religions that are practiced that are older... and full of just as much faith as christianity
[14:37] Friend: i don't know what the gods u believe in did because mine created everything even u
[14:37] lucentalchemy: that's what you believe
[14:38] lucentalchemy: and that's nice... but not everyone believes what you do
[14:38] Friend: that's what i know for sure
[14:38] lucentalchemy: prove it
[14:38] Friend: that's the only truth
[14:38] lucentalchemy: if it's true... prove it
[14:39] Friend: it is in the most amazing book in the hostory of mankind
[14:39] Friend: is called the bible
[14:39] Friend: THE BIBLE
[14:39] lucentalchemy: prove to me that its true
[14:41] Friend: the prove is there u are just to blind to see it
[14:41] Friend: man i hope someday god comes to you and make u understand
[14:42] lucentalchemy: well... maybe
[14:42] Friend: u have a good, wonderful heart because the one that created u mede u that way
[14:43] Friend: ad he knows where u are what u do and he is gonna ask u to come back to him someday
[14:43] Friend: is gonna be your chose to decide what to do
[14:44] Friend: your soul was created in heaven long before ths world was created
[14:44] Friend: we are here for just one reason and it is to earn the way back to the place we really belong to
[14:45] lucentalchemy: maybe... i don't know... i haven't gotten that call yet
[14:45] Friend: we were not supposed too be here but one day in heaven we turned our backs on god
[14:45] Friend: may be u are grtting it now
[14:45] Friend: getting
[14:45] lucentalchemy: all i know is... i am not his friend according to the bible... and i have no reason to think i will be anytime soon...
[14:46] Friend: we dont; belong to this world don;t u see it
[14:46] Friend: we are here one day and the next one we are gone
[14:46] Friend: just like that
[14:46] Friend: something comes out of your body and you aare gone
[14:47] Friend: u go back where u belong
[14:47] Friend: if u did find the way
[14:47] lucentalchemy: sweetie... i love you dearly... please don't try and convert me to christianity... i have been a christian... i have had full on religious discussions... i am not interested in christian mythology... if i go back... i will find it my own way
[14:47] Friend: ok
[14:48] Friend: i jsut think i needed to let u know
[14:48] lucentalchemy: if you want to stop talking to me because i won't change... that's up to you... but i don't try and force or convince my beliefs on others... I can only hope they will do the same
[14:48] lucentalchemy: i do appreciate it... i really do
[14:48] Friend: ok
[14:49] Friend: 
[14:49] Friend: Your buddy has sent you a cool Emoticon, to get it click http://www.smileyhub.com/s.asp?im=Yahoo&ref=3&ses=66555446&rsn=2&app=15835105&cont=\@TCBE(2006a)(0)$V=2,S=66555446$\@TCEE
[14:49] lucentalchemy: but i have heard the message...
[14:49] Friend: that;s all that matters now
[14:49] lucentalchemy: to me... it doesn't call to my heart..
[14:50] Friend: coz u blind yourself with your gayness that all it brings to you is pain,suffering and loneliness
[14:50] Friend: i wish i could stop being gay
[14:51] lucentalchemy: whether i am gay or not
[14:51] lucentalchemy: believe it or not... there are straight people who are good people who are not christians
[14:51] lucentalchemy: before i even knew i was gay i never liked church... i felt it was being forced on me... and i just don't like that
[14:52] Friend: yeah i know but they think they belong to this worl and they better enjoy it because that's gonna be it for them
[14:52] lucentalchemy: what if you're wrong?
[14:53] Friend: i ma still gonna have a wonderful life here
[14:53] Friend: just like right now man i never felt so good and and happy in all my life
[14:53] lucentalchemy: then let others have the same... i choose to believe in god the way i want to...
[14:54] Friend: being gay is of this world and it tries to keep u to enter the next one or one where u belong and what's all that matters
[14:55] lucentalchemy: then stop being gay
[14:55] lucentalchemy: if that's what god wants... just stop
[14:58] Meebo Message: Friend is offline
[14:59] Meebo Message: Friend is online
[15:00] Friend: i hope someday i won't need a gu and if i find one i want to base my realtionship with him in faithfulness and respect
[15:00] lucentalchemy: you actually don't need one now
[15:00] lucentalchemy: i don't have one
[15:01] Friend: and i think my job and the reason od me being gay is to help or bring the message to this comunity
[15:01] lucentalchemy: you can join exodus international
[15:01] Friend: how do i get there
[15:02] lucentalchemy: go to google and search for exgay
[15:02] lucentalchemy: they are gay people who have turned straight with the help of god
[15:02] lucentalchemy: and electro-shock therapy
[15:03] Friend: man i don;t want to turn straigth
[15:03] Friend: i wish i could give up on my sexuality at all
[15:03] lucentalchemy: yes you do... because it's what god wants you to be
[15:04] lucentalchemy: read what you are writing
[15:04] lucentalchemy: what you are trying to tell me
[15:04] lucentalchemy: i have gotten the message... i just want want it...
[15:04] lucentalchemy: you are saying the message... but don't get it
[15:04] Friend: I DON'T WANT TO BE STRAIGHT I WISH I COULD GIVE UP ON MY SEXUALITY AT ALL
[15:04] lucentalchemy: with christianity its all or nothing
[15:04] lucentalchemy: you can
[15:04] lucentalchemy: get castrated
[15:05] lucentalchemy:
[15:05] Friend: that's being weak
[15:05] lucentalchemy: it's not being weak
[15:05] lucentalchemy: it's a tool
[15:05] Friend: yes it is
[15:05] Friend: to me
[15:06] lucentalchemy: then just give up sex
[15:06] Friend: i wish i could
[15:07] lucentalchemy: you can
[15:07] lucentalchemy: just do it
[15:07] lucentalchemy: stop going to bars
[15:08] lucentalchemy: stop putting yourself into situations that will make you want to have sex
[15:08] Friend: man i ma human i wish that would be possible
[15:08] Friend: but i ma weak
[15:08] Friend: i love man
[15:08] Friend: men
[15:08] lucentalchemy: now... to me... that's being weak... castration is at least taking a step to what you want
[15:08] lucentalchemy: just saying "i am weak" it means you don't really want it
[15:08] lucentalchemy: but expect everyone else to follow what you're saying
[15:09] Friend: well at least i am trying some don't even care
[15:09] lucentalchemy: but you're not trying
[15:10] lucentalchemy: you are just saying you want to try
[15:10] Friend: that's still something
[15:10] lucentalchemy: no... it's not
[15:10] lucentalchemy: actually
[15:11] lucentalchemy: you are trying to force me to believe something you say you believe... but don't do...
[15:11] lucentalchemy: the path to hell is paved with good intentions... that's a quote that someone famous said
[15:11] Friend: i ma not trying to force u
[15:11] lucentalchemy: i don't remember off the top of my head who it was
[15:12] lucentalchemy: but you are trying to force me
[15:12] lucentalchemy: go back and read what you are saying
[15:13] Friend: i ma sorry if u took it that way i would ever do that
[15:13] lucentalchemy: we have just gone through this over and over again
[15:13] Friend: do i win anything from it?
[15:13] lucentalchemy: name one vegetable you hate
[15:13] Friend: why do u think i do it for?
[15:14] Friend: none really
[15:14] lucentalchemy: name something you hate doing
[15:14] Friend: talking to people that refuse to understand
[15:15] lucentalchemy: ...
[15:15] lucentalchemy: i do understand...
[15:15] lucentalchemy: i think that might be what's frustrating to you... i do fully understand... i just choose not to believe what you do... because i have my own beliefs
[15:16] Friend: man but u believe in fake gods i want to help u to save your soul
[15:16] Friend: even if i don't save mine
[15:17] lucentalchemy: my gods are not fake...
[15:17] lucentalchemy: and that is very rude and arrogant to say to anyone
[15:17] lucentalchemy: basically you just said
[15:17] lucentalchemy: everything you believe is just wrong... because i said so
[15:18] Friend: because i know so
[15:18] lucentalchemy: and that's fine that you "know so" but i know different
[15:18] lucentalchemy: you just can't accept the fact that someone else might be right
[15:19] lucentalchemy: and you can't prove it... you just point to a book...
[15:19] lucentalchemy: don't get me wrong... it's good to have faith...
[15:19] Friend: ok man
[15:19] Friend: i tried
[15:19] lucentalchemy: but forcing your beliefs on other people... and saying "i'm right and you're wrong" have caused so many wars and pain
[15:20] lucentalchemy: did you ever think that i could be trying too?
[15:21] lucentalchemy: just trying to open your eyes
[15:21] Friend: maybe
[15:22] Friend: all i know is that u have a good heart and that come from the only god that exists
[15:22] lucentalchemy: i have been on this earth for 32 years... i have heard a lot of the stories... i have made up my own mind.. all i ask... is that i be allowed to believe what i believe without being told "i don't care... you're wrong"
[15:24] Friend: man i never meant to hurt your feelings
[15:25] lucentalchemy: well... normally you don't... but this time you did... i don't hate you or anything... but i just don't want to talk about this anymore
another dream
So... I got robbed...
I was back home in PA... in my old old bedroom, which is my new bedroom up there... but it was set up like my old bedroom when i was a kid... and i had toys and stuff all over the place... with 2 shelves of toys and gadgets in the one corner of the room.
I remember that some of the shelves were stripped bare... and I was robbed. I do remember being angry... very angry... and i was looking for the culprit to lash out at... It turns out... I opened the closet, and there was a guy there... probably about 17... scared out of his mind at what i was planning on doing when i caught the culprit... my friends were trying to console me... but when i saw how scared he was, i grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the closet, realized that I wasn't robbed at all... just misplaced things... and all was well...
then i woke up.
I was back home in PA... in my old old bedroom, which is my new bedroom up there... but it was set up like my old bedroom when i was a kid... and i had toys and stuff all over the place... with 2 shelves of toys and gadgets in the one corner of the room.
I remember that some of the shelves were stripped bare... and I was robbed. I do remember being angry... very angry... and i was looking for the culprit to lash out at... It turns out... I opened the closet, and there was a guy there... probably about 17... scared out of his mind at what i was planning on doing when i caught the culprit... my friends were trying to console me... but when i saw how scared he was, i grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the closet, realized that I wasn't robbed at all... just misplaced things... and all was well...
then i woke up.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
The Day I ruined my little Brother's wedding
So... My little brother got married right? I couldn't be happier for him... seriously...
though, through my actions... you would think i hated him and his fiance something aweful...
First... the Tux... Silver? I mean... come on... who wears silver anything other than with tinman costumes... completely un-doable... He gave it to me to wear... he said it was Bekki's idea and thought that Silver would look good... Well... he went off to get married and expected me to be there in 30 minutes...
I toiled with the idea... am I ACTUALLY going to wear that thing? I mean... it looked completely stupid... would you wear it? (if you're not lying... the answer would be no)
So I said "fuck it" I got dressed... but ended up being like 15 minutes late to the wedding ceremony. Bekki, who looked at me, got all pissed off and just walked away from the ceremony. Justin SCREAMED at me for ruining everything... My parents were quite pissed as well... they threatened to disown me... I went running after Bekki to try and apologize...
then i woke up...
I don't know what's in the Arizona air... but DAMN... i am coming up with some FUNKY dreams!
though, through my actions... you would think i hated him and his fiance something aweful...
First... the Tux... Silver? I mean... come on... who wears silver anything other than with tinman costumes... completely un-doable... He gave it to me to wear... he said it was Bekki's idea and thought that Silver would look good... Well... he went off to get married and expected me to be there in 30 minutes...
I toiled with the idea... am I ACTUALLY going to wear that thing? I mean... it looked completely stupid... would you wear it? (if you're not lying... the answer would be no)
So I said "fuck it" I got dressed... but ended up being like 15 minutes late to the wedding ceremony. Bekki, who looked at me, got all pissed off and just walked away from the ceremony. Justin SCREAMED at me for ruining everything... My parents were quite pissed as well... they threatened to disown me... I went running after Bekki to try and apologize...
then i woke up...
I don't know what's in the Arizona air... but DAMN... i am coming up with some FUNKY dreams!
Monday, February 4, 2008
Arizona...
First day on the job went well... nothing special... but not too bad... tonight the local CSC team went out for dinner to this Thai place. The project manager got drunk and was grabbing lettucewrap chicken with his hands and tried to feed himself... it was a bit uncomfortable... in front of his boss too... go figure! He then went the whole way by falling asleep during his main course... the other two at the table ignored him... i wanted to... but ya know... it's difficult to ignore the person snoring that's sitting right across from you...
he won't remember any of it tomorrow... I... on the other hand... won't be so lucky!
he won't remember any of it tomorrow... I... on the other hand... won't be so lucky!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Am I built for love?
Seriously.. i am not sure that i am. I mean... i want love, who doesn't... well... lemme correct that... some people do, but I actually want it! (i think)
But over the past 16 years of my life (i am not counting the first 16 years) I have found it difficult to find romantic love... I always wanted it... but have only found it in one person... and it was short lived... I mean... Ben was awesome... but the true spark of love was just not there...
I have loved some people VERY DEEPLY... but they were online... and ofcourse... for me... long distance relationships never work out, or are nearly fulfilling.
I have a couple people who claim that they love me (from online) but once again... they are not even within 100 miles of where i am. One is half way around the world!!!
But it makes me wonder... do I even know what love is? I have never really truely been in love where it has been validated. No-one can really explain what love is. They can only give examples of it. (taking care of your loved one when they have fallen ill, random acts of romance, etc...)
Now... this is not to say my life is devoid of love... quite the contrary... I love all of my family and friends truely. There is very little i would do for any of them (i.e. cannibalism is always out of the question!!!) But this is not romantic love. I could see being friends with all of my friends forever! and ofcourse... family is family... you don't touch that!
But love... true romantic love... finding that one guy that I look to spend the rest of my life with... everyone tells me he exists... he's out there... you will find him when you aren't looking. But what if i don't find him... not because i am looking or not... but what if i don't know what i am looking for... what if i just don't know what constitutes love, romance, true soul mates... Perhaps I am just not built to love... that would mean I am single for the rest of my life...
I mean... think about it... 95% of people my age have had at least 2 - 3 people who they have "dated" or could say they were boyfriend/girlfriend... I know I have attempted to date... but i have not really "dated" anyone with the exception of Ben... and while we are still friends... it didn't last. And what was the reason it ended. "i am just not in love with you" it was said on both sides... and I really did like him... But love wasn't there... It makes me wonder... will it ever exist for me?
Am I built for love?
But over the past 16 years of my life (i am not counting the first 16 years) I have found it difficult to find romantic love... I always wanted it... but have only found it in one person... and it was short lived... I mean... Ben was awesome... but the true spark of love was just not there...
I have loved some people VERY DEEPLY... but they were online... and ofcourse... for me... long distance relationships never work out, or are nearly fulfilling.
I have a couple people who claim that they love me (from online) but once again... they are not even within 100 miles of where i am. One is half way around the world!!!
But it makes me wonder... do I even know what love is? I have never really truely been in love where it has been validated. No-one can really explain what love is. They can only give examples of it. (taking care of your loved one when they have fallen ill, random acts of romance, etc...)
Now... this is not to say my life is devoid of love... quite the contrary... I love all of my family and friends truely. There is very little i would do for any of them (i.e. cannibalism is always out of the question!!!) But this is not romantic love. I could see being friends with all of my friends forever! and ofcourse... family is family... you don't touch that!
But love... true romantic love... finding that one guy that I look to spend the rest of my life with... everyone tells me he exists... he's out there... you will find him when you aren't looking. But what if i don't find him... not because i am looking or not... but what if i don't know what i am looking for... what if i just don't know what constitutes love, romance, true soul mates... Perhaps I am just not built to love... that would mean I am single for the rest of my life...
I mean... think about it... 95% of people my age have had at least 2 - 3 people who they have "dated" or could say they were boyfriend/girlfriend... I know I have attempted to date... but i have not really "dated" anyone with the exception of Ben... and while we are still friends... it didn't last. And what was the reason it ended. "i am just not in love with you" it was said on both sides... and I really did like him... But love wasn't there... It makes me wonder... will it ever exist for me?
Am I built for love?
today i fly out to AZ
and ofcourse... my anxiety is aweful... i haven't taken lorazepam yet... but i will... it's a 4 1/2 hour flight... in coach... I can't wait till i hit platinum status... !!!!!!!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
tomorrow is the big day
NO... i could care less about the super bowl... and anyone who knows me... should know that by now...
no... i fly out for my first assignment tomorrow to Scottsdale AZ... I meet my team for the first time! I haven't even done laundry yet... but i will get it done soon... i am only packing work clothes for like 4 days... and a couple knock around type clothes. I am excited and nervous all at the same time... but ultimately... i am looking forward to it!
no... i fly out for my first assignment tomorrow to Scottsdale AZ... I meet my team for the first time! I haven't even done laundry yet... but i will get it done soon... i am only packing work clothes for like 4 days... and a couple knock around type clothes. I am excited and nervous all at the same time... but ultimately... i am looking forward to it!
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