a venting conversation

Here is a conversation i had with my friend JS... i was venting at the loss of a potential love interest... who seems to have lost interest... simply because... i am not around at all...

but don't worry right? there are more fish in the sea... i am only 34 and only have ever had 1 relationship which lasted 9 months... but hey... i'm doing better then let's say... i don't know... a still born baby...

Before you read this convo... i want to make it clear... i really do love my family... REALLY! I just get EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED at my situation sometimes!!!!!!!!!!


me: remind me to make sure my next move... is at least a 5 hour drive from Philly
JS: why?
me: i am really... kinda sick of going there every weekend
JS: Your leaving for Philly tonight?
me: no... tomorrow night A-FUCKIN-GAIN
JS: well if it's five hour drive you will just end up flying there so what's the difference?
me: if i have to fly... i won't be EXPECTED to be there all the time for EVERY LITTLE THING
JS: O you can always decline you do have a lot on your plate
me: yeah... and then get the guilt trip
JS: yeah I remember
me: "well... how can you NOT be there for your brother's 30th birthday"
O: noone was around for mine
mom: you were down in atlanta
JS: Especially when he saved you 10k on your taxes
me: O: no-one made the effort
mom: i sent you a singing gorilla... isn't that enough?
O: i guess it was...
...
it's not that i don't want to be there for my brother's birthday
but ya know... for 3 weeks... i have been talking to this guy online i think i could hit a spark with
he's been wanting to meet me but he has problems during the week
now he stopped talking to me
JS: ugggg
me: because i am never around on the weekends to meet him 3 weeks in a row and i am tied up this weekend and the NEXT 2
how FUCKING frustrating to have to choose between my family and MYSELF
and then... when i finally get 1 weekend to myself mom is making plans to come up here for the weekend
JS: OHHHH
me: so make that 8 weekends in a row i will be unavailable
and she wonders why i keep thinkin about moving down to atlanta at least there... i had a life
here... my family is the only life i am allowed to have
i KNOW i am exagerating but FFS!
JS: not really
It's just like the old days
when you were in school and everything
and being on intercome when you lived downstairs
me: right
it's not enough that i talk to her EVERY day...
and like... next weekend it's my cousin's daughter's christening
oh... i HAVE to go to that too
JS: well that I would overlook
me: oh no... i was already told i am going
...
so i was going to say i am not coming home for memorial day
and i already know all of the arguments
mom never dissappoints
i love her to death... but CUT THE CORD!!!!!!
JS: you knew a long time ago that will never happen
But I am glad you are venting about it
me: mom thought that one of the reasons i moved up here was to be close to the family
that was an assumption i didn't bother to correct her on
but that was not one of my real deciding factors
JS: well of course not you needed a job
me: right
but i could have found one down there if i needed to
JS: does she read your blog?
me: nah
she's not interested
JS: have you found yourself a doctor there yet?
me: no... i need new insurance before i look for a doctor
JS: is the insurance you have transported from atlanta?
me: no
cobra ran out a while ago
JS: what if Obama's Health bill had passed would that have assisted you?
me: it did pass...
ofcourse not without a public option
but yes... ofcourse... it would have helped everyone
Sent at 6:15 PM on Thursday
JS: Well it's one of the reasons I choose to stay in Maine
I don;t pay a DIME
for health
since my status has become so good I lost all the other benifits
but
You know ya gotta deal with your mom how you deal with her
I mean your 29 years old now you have to learn to say no
:)
me: ... 34 dear... i don't play the 29 forever game =P
JS: LOL
hey i tried
me: i appreciate it
and trust me...
i had it out with her a couple times
trying to use reason and logic
JS: You did?
me: ofcourse
JS: oh
I did not think you ever 'had it out' with your mother
I thought you always just bit your tounge
me: i told her how rediculous this was
Sent at 6:20 PM on Thursday
me: i didn't do it in anger... i did it like a lawyer
Sent at 6:22 PM on Thursday
JS: but she didnt budge?
Sent at 6:23 PM on Thursday
me: oh... she completely saw my point
but she said "get over it"
JS: OHHH
Yikes
Sent at 6:28 PM on Thursday
me: she said.. "what do you want me to say... you want me to be upset that i GET to see you every weekend???"
JS: O man
that's a tough one man I am so sorry
me: right
JS: It's the Italian though you know that?
me: yes
JS: I have two friends up here that are part of a big Italian Family and they are the same way....and it's always the mother
me: yup
Sent at 6:32 PM on Thursday
JS: are they all still sick?
me: no
they are better
even ground zero is better
JS: Is there any reason this person you want to spend some tome with couldn't join you?
Maybe get a hotel room
me: yeah... he moved on
that's a pretty good reason if you ask me
JS: yeah
Sent at 6:35 PM on Thursday

so... i was reading this book...

OMG... what a messed up in the head teenager i was... for the love of everything holy and unholy... i was reading the rest of my journal...

1. I am suprised I am still alive based on the stuff i was writing back then... WTF was i thinking?

2. i don't remember writing these passages down.. but i do believe it was based on more of "what i was feeling" rather than what I was thinking or what actually happened... I asked some guy in australia to marry me? after 3 weeks of talking online? and he said YES!? it even wrote down his name... anyone who would have read this would have instantly said "this kid didn't make it to 20"

3. i think it does enlighten me as to why i am soooo messed up now a days when it comes to relationships... all of my development has been online... and I can remember the strong feelings I had... the feelings were all real...

4. I wrote about my first sexual encounter... OMG... how i romanticized that trailer trash guy... Loser from no-where... it's pretty graphic... definately rated R... but damn... i was really messed up in the head when i wrote it... i guess a first sexual encounter will do that to you...

5. I think i am WAY too emotional... even now... i get so emotionally invested... it's just not healthy... for me or anyone else!!!!!

i was thinking i should record those memories... but... now i am thinking... perhaps it's better that those "memories" (which i have obviously forgotten about) get washed away with the flood!

btw... my first real sexual counter... June 22 1997. (2 days after my mom's bday and 1 day after my parent's anniversary...)

The flood

I am taking a little break from cleaning... which is truely one of my least favorite activities, to talk a little bit about what happened.

it was around 4:30ish yesterday when I was talking to my mom on the phone. I hung up the phone and decided to get some dinner... that's when i turned around and noticed that... there is water behind me. (the floor is kinda uneven) I immediately went to turn off everything and unplug it and try to get stuff up off the floor!!!!!!

I traced the water from the bathroom all of the way to the front. The first thing i went for was the windows... I knew it was raining and was pretty bad yesterday. and I leave the windows open so I can regulate the heat in my place that i can't turn off!!!

Both window ledges were dry... i went into the bathroom... and saw no leaks... and so I went to the front door...

now... my apartment is 5 steps down, so it's a basement level apartment. you go down steps and get to an iron gate, that gate will lead to a door which leads into the hallway, all concrete, etc... off that hallway, about 1 1/2 inches up... is my door. (very close to the outside door.)

I opened the front door and saw the whole hallway was flooded... but it didn't quite seem to be up to my door yet. (ultimately this wasn't good)

So I called the landlord... who was in florida (i didn't know that at the time...) and he said he would call the fire department and get someone over here...

30 minutes go by and i am literally taking 2 chinese takeout soup containers and scooping up water from the kitchen floor, which is getting worse and worse by the minute, and throwing it in the sink. I called the landlord again, and his wife picked up the phone and mentioned to me that they were going to a very important function... (i was thinking... oh... i'm sorry... i will just go back to SWIMMING IN MY APARTMENT YOU BIATCH!!!!!!!) but i said I understood. She told me to call 911, but that the whole city was flooded. In about 15 minutes... the fire department was here and found the source of the flooding.

One of the pumps that pump water from that main area had become dislodged from it's exit pipe and was spewing water on the floor. They fixed the problem, but apparently, they had no pumps or anything to get the water out of my apartment... WTF... So they leave... at least there is no more water coming in...

so i get a knock on the door. It's the maintenence guy coming to help out with his assistant. They come in and help me clean up most of the water. and then they go check the pumps... so... i am sitting in my place... getting most of the stuff up off the floor that i could and wiping the rest of the water... when my friend Ju Ow comes in... She looks around and tells me what a hot mess... and brings me icecream. (which i put in the freezer)

All of a sudden, as we are going through a couple things... i notice more water coming in from the back... WTF... everything is flooding all over again!!!!

At this point... i have low bloodsugar from not eating anything since 11:30 (it's now 9pm and i am a little depressed) plus... more water coming in just means more problems... i can't fix it and scooping it up is not going to help...

the two maintenence people are still here, but they are fighting the rest of the flood... apparently there are 3 pumps in the building... 2 of which, decided to go bad... so water was coming in from the bathroom...

Eventually...that night... the pumps were fixed and the water receded... I cleaned up the rest of the stuff... Ju had gone home an hour or so ago and I was just left by myself sopping up the water.

Things I lost (so far):

Area rug my mom picked out for me from my atlanta apartment... I trashed it
Photos of me and my ex from a cruise we went on.
Black and white photos of me and my parents/brothers
about 15 books of various natures (some were gifts from other people for when i moved to atlanta)
about 10 decks of tarot cards
a pack of gipsy witch fortune cards my grandmother gave me from the 1950s.
my work blackberry (YAY)
2 cell phones (one BRAND NEW ONE still works, but the screen sensitivity has SEVERELY DECREASED.)
a 2TB harddrive
an older computer which i had as a backup server
old notebooks from college
various computer equipment
a couple game cartridges
and an hour of time (DUE TO FRIGGING DAYLIGHTS SAVINGS)

I am sure there is more i am missing..., but that's about it for now...

I went out and got a bunch of cleaning supplies for the floor, lysol to try and get rid of microbes and mold and spores... a wet vac for any surprises later, and a de-humidifier... i hate cleaning... i hate water being where it's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE!

I'm just glad i was here to make that call... if i didn't call anyone... i would have lost EVERYTHING due to an electrical fire probably, as i wouldn't have been here to get things up... and how nice would that have been... coming home to a foot of water at home... that would have been a nice surprise.

I should count myself lucky-ish though... some people have had their cars float away.... the water was sooo bad.

Almost lost in flood 1

I had a flood in my apartment... 1 inch of water everywhere... i had a lot of things that were both valuable, and sentimental lost... this is from a waterlogged Diary i apparently kept (though i don't remember)... the pages are now barely readable... but i thought... perhaps i should try to digitize them.

These are those entries word for word (including spelling mistakes) (Names however... HAVE been omitted)


Up until August 1995

Finding yourself is hard when your not sure that you like what you find. My freshman year in high school I knew something was up when I found myself not intimidated at all to take showers in gym class. Most guys were embarassed I was always the first one in and the first out. I also found myself looking at the other guys, not staring, but just looking, not even arousal just looking, kinda funny to see who his and whom didn't. all of the jocks hid, Br Ha, Mi Fr, Br Mi, while the rest of us normal guys didn't care.

I was never interested in sex in middle school or highschool. I was worried all of my "friends" knew all the "lingo" and were de-virginized by 9th grade, all except me. Even the nerds didn't. My old acting rival Br Fe got de-virginized in 7th grade. 7TH GRADE! so the story goes anyway, I was not afraid, I had no lustful feelings for any sex, male of female, plus i was never popular, which made me feel even more secure.

in 8th grade I had my first girlfriend, quite remarkable... two girls were fighting over "the new kid that plays the trombone" The more I refused the more they lusted, Am Ba, and La Sh were the two band girls. La was a bit pudgy, Am was notorious. Neither of them appealed to my "love sence" so I would always back away. I finally caved in one day and submitted to Am, she expected kisses and sex, I expected a more in-depth friendship, kinda wierd huh, we went out for a week, I had my first kiss during that week, I kissed amy on the cheek. Not really a kiss, but at the time, it seemed forbidden. I was dumped after a week, her reason, lack of satisfaction. I was crushed... and all of the way through my first year of college, she was the only girl i kissed. not including family and "close" friends.

In highschool, later on, I was girlfriend less. But I noticed that every time i jock would grab a nother guys' dick, I got aroused. Every time a jock beat off in the classroom, Br De, I would get antsy waiting for class to be over so I could get away from the site. I hated Spanish II because De always used to sit next to me while "enjoying himself" every day. Even when he whipped it out for another jock to touch, I dwelled on that for days, wishing i was a jock.


I had most of the "gay stereo typical behaviors or traits" through my whole life. I was an actor and musician. I hated sports and I didn't have a girl. I was acused of being gay many times, but always barked back, give me proof. I didn't talk, walk, act, or give anyone real reason to think like that. Besides, most of the accusisations came from the jocks who always went around touching each other all the time. Hmm...

Lets talk college, college is where normal kids "find themselves, I already new I was more mature and different. No parents to hold me back, new friends to be made, a lot more freedom. I was released from any highschool pressures of public masterbation because i didn't see any. Plus I was on a religious crusade in the cafeteria against the born again christians. whom still have yet to convince me they're right. So when did I truly find myself... Through my computer and AOL. They have multiple chat rooms in which other Gay people hang out in. It was there I met Andy0690 who turned me on and called me up. I had to watch my room mate constantly to make sure he didn't see anything. but he walked in on me a couple times. from AOL people kept in touch, and were sending me naked pictures of themselves. I thought yeah right... these aren't really them. Till that one fateful day in Cape May when Mdr_017 / ricky came to life and found me playing my recorder on the beach. The piper1 was caught and I didn't know what to do. I never sent Ricky a picture so he didn't know what I looked like, plus he had a bunch of friends, he was hot, but I was careful... On AOL I ordered gifs and always talked to people... Than I had to turn it off to come home... But I found new gay out lets in the internet at work IRC and Netscape opened a bigger world in which I could openly explore and try new things under the name archangel! I was there I found really good friends and it was also there that intolerance, the thing I am set against, reared its ugly face and I was called a fuckin' faggot for the first time. Things fell into place and I played my last straight card in highschool with the senior prom. I knew what I was, now I had to face it.

What do you say to a mother that says "I hope you're not turning faggot on me," a broher that says "I just wouldn't associate with you anymore" and a father that says,"I would be truely dissappointed!!" These things make it hard to let my feelings out! I can't even let on that I might be gay. Seriousl Suicide has crossed my mind many times. There was no-one to confide in. Up until August 95, the only people who know are Ho Gr, Ra St, Ca Mc, To Pa and TJ Lo. All females. They seem to keep secrets better and this isn't one to be let out. scared doesn't even come close to what I go through every day thinking that I could slip at any given time. The people listed above are the only ones I can confide in and I see none of them often. I just wish everyone would understand.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Commentaty

Wow... i was messed up!!! I have to say... I don't remember writing this, but it is my handwriting. so I must have.

That stuff... really did happen in highschool. perhaps not as often as I eluded to, however, it did happen. My nemesis, wasn't really a nemesis, he was more like who i, in my mind, most competed with, whether he felt the same or not...

I do remember coming out to only girls, and this entry was obviously before i ever came out to my parents. I think back then, I imagined that my mom said the word faggot, because I don't ever remember her saying such things...

The AOL nicknames are no longer there... and the names were replaced with the first two letters of their first and last name, with the exception of the internet people, because i don't know if that was their real name.

I believe the date of this entry was August 6 1995, because the next entry was August 7th. I DO remember being very scared at first realization of being gay. I can tell that my thought and writing patterns were more, sporadic than they usually are, or perhaps just chalk it up to being younger... It did kill me to type in those spelling, grammar and punctuation marks... but I thought it would be best to try and preserve this little piece of psyche for myself.


I was kinda a messed up kid wasn't I?

return of an old enemy

Last night, while driving to philly, after all of the things going on in my life, I had a panic attack. I haven't had one in a long time, and it was NOT a welcome reunion.

I don't know if it was that i didn't have anything in my stomach, an uncertain future, looming tax season (this one promises to be disastrous), increased weight (yeah... that's always fun) or just the fact i was driving (not something i enjoy doing) but i had a complete breakdown where i couldn't stop shaking.

I pulled over to the side of the turnpike, rolled down the windows (yes... it was FREEZING COLD) and started to heavy breathe/meditate in order to quell the feelings.

In the trying to calm myself down, i had an overwhelming feeling that my entire life is a failure. There is no stability in it, and what really got me, hit me out of no-where, is that while i have lots of love for friends and family, no real romantic love. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. etc...

I don't know why that decided to pop in, but it did and i hated it. in truth, it made me start to cry, which is not necessarily good for the whole "calming down" thing.

My panic attack lasted roughly 20 minutes in total, which seamed like 2 hours in reality, and then i finished driving home. Not listening to any music, radio, or anything. I had the vent on to pull the cold air from outside to keep the air flowing and keep me cold (always seems to help in a panic attack for some reason)

On the rest of my trip... a name kept popping into my head, as someone, who should could be the one to solve my love crisis, there are complications ofcourse, because he is in atlanta, and i am in NJ. something tells me i will be seeing him again, but, if i am being honest with myself. I don't think it will happen.

broken promises

i wasn't going to write this down... but one of my friends suggested i do so, so here i am.

i moved up to NJ, relocated my entire life for a promise. a promise that if i moved up here, the company that i am consulting with was going to hire me on full time, warranting my whole move.

Up until yesterday, I know for a fact, that was the intention of my boss. But through a conversation that kinda turned the way of my employment, it was blurted out that, infact, while he still would like to hire me, he was more or less told no from his superiors. The company is on a hiring freeze and all headcount that was planned for this year, has infact been pulled.

I have been through this exact situation before, with the exception of having to move my whole life. I was living with my parents at the time and the company was a major pharmaceutical corp. who said they would love to hire me, but, never got around to it. my time was limited there and it caused me to look for a job, which eventually, moved me to atlanta. that wasn't a bad move, but it's not a move that, at the time, i would have taken. (i do NOT regret that move)

so now, it's resume time again, I have to get my ducks in a row and get moving to find another job. While i was told my contract would most likely be extended for a couple months, it's life getting a 3 month notice on your job. I could let the time slip by, or try to do something in the mean time....



also... on the subject of broken promises, but in a different vane, i have had contact with several people lately, who have been courting me online, who have dropped off the face of the earth. If you read the previous posts in this blog, you know that is my biggest pet peeve!

As i get older, i find myself getting more cynical of these people and just not caring. I should know better than to trust anyone online. and i don't trust them persay, but i am certainly not as amiable to them anymore... I guess with old age comes bitterness, though some might call it wisdom and experience. I do not want to be a jaded old queen like SO MANY OTHERS i know.