Almost lost in flood 1

I had a flood in my apartment... 1 inch of water everywhere... i had a lot of things that were both valuable, and sentimental lost... this is from a waterlogged Diary i apparently kept (though i don't remember)... the pages are now barely readable... but i thought... perhaps i should try to digitize them.

These are those entries word for word (including spelling mistakes) (Names however... HAVE been omitted)


Up until August 1995

Finding yourself is hard when your not sure that you like what you find. My freshman year in high school I knew something was up when I found myself not intimidated at all to take showers in gym class. Most guys were embarassed I was always the first one in and the first out. I also found myself looking at the other guys, not staring, but just looking, not even arousal just looking, kinda funny to see who his and whom didn't. all of the jocks hid, Br Ha, Mi Fr, Br Mi, while the rest of us normal guys didn't care.

I was never interested in sex in middle school or highschool. I was worried all of my "friends" knew all the "lingo" and were de-virginized by 9th grade, all except me. Even the nerds didn't. My old acting rival Br Fe got de-virginized in 7th grade. 7TH GRADE! so the story goes anyway, I was not afraid, I had no lustful feelings for any sex, male of female, plus i was never popular, which made me feel even more secure.

in 8th grade I had my first girlfriend, quite remarkable... two girls were fighting over "the new kid that plays the trombone" The more I refused the more they lusted, Am Ba, and La Sh were the two band girls. La was a bit pudgy, Am was notorious. Neither of them appealed to my "love sence" so I would always back away. I finally caved in one day and submitted to Am, she expected kisses and sex, I expected a more in-depth friendship, kinda wierd huh, we went out for a week, I had my first kiss during that week, I kissed amy on the cheek. Not really a kiss, but at the time, it seemed forbidden. I was dumped after a week, her reason, lack of satisfaction. I was crushed... and all of the way through my first year of college, she was the only girl i kissed. not including family and "close" friends.

In highschool, later on, I was girlfriend less. But I noticed that every time i jock would grab a nother guys' dick, I got aroused. Every time a jock beat off in the classroom, Br De, I would get antsy waiting for class to be over so I could get away from the site. I hated Spanish II because De always used to sit next to me while "enjoying himself" every day. Even when he whipped it out for another jock to touch, I dwelled on that for days, wishing i was a jock.


I had most of the "gay stereo typical behaviors or traits" through my whole life. I was an actor and musician. I hated sports and I didn't have a girl. I was acused of being gay many times, but always barked back, give me proof. I didn't talk, walk, act, or give anyone real reason to think like that. Besides, most of the accusisations came from the jocks who always went around touching each other all the time. Hmm...

Lets talk college, college is where normal kids "find themselves, I already new I was more mature and different. No parents to hold me back, new friends to be made, a lot more freedom. I was released from any highschool pressures of public masterbation because i didn't see any. Plus I was on a religious crusade in the cafeteria against the born again christians. whom still have yet to convince me they're right. So when did I truly find myself... Through my computer and AOL. They have multiple chat rooms in which other Gay people hang out in. It was there I met Andy0690 who turned me on and called me up. I had to watch my room mate constantly to make sure he didn't see anything. but he walked in on me a couple times. from AOL people kept in touch, and were sending me naked pictures of themselves. I thought yeah right... these aren't really them. Till that one fateful day in Cape May when Mdr_017 / ricky came to life and found me playing my recorder on the beach. The piper1 was caught and I didn't know what to do. I never sent Ricky a picture so he didn't know what I looked like, plus he had a bunch of friends, he was hot, but I was careful... On AOL I ordered gifs and always talked to people... Than I had to turn it off to come home... But I found new gay out lets in the internet at work IRC and Netscape opened a bigger world in which I could openly explore and try new things under the name archangel! I was there I found really good friends and it was also there that intolerance, the thing I am set against, reared its ugly face and I was called a fuckin' faggot for the first time. Things fell into place and I played my last straight card in highschool with the senior prom. I knew what I was, now I had to face it.

What do you say to a mother that says "I hope you're not turning faggot on me," a broher that says "I just wouldn't associate with you anymore" and a father that says,"I would be truely dissappointed!!" These things make it hard to let my feelings out! I can't even let on that I might be gay. Seriousl Suicide has crossed my mind many times. There was no-one to confide in. Up until August 95, the only people who know are Ho Gr, Ra St, Ca Mc, To Pa and TJ Lo. All females. They seem to keep secrets better and this isn't one to be let out. scared doesn't even come close to what I go through every day thinking that I could slip at any given time. The people listed above are the only ones I can confide in and I see none of them often. I just wish everyone would understand.

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Commentaty

Wow... i was messed up!!! I have to say... I don't remember writing this, but it is my handwriting. so I must have.

That stuff... really did happen in highschool. perhaps not as often as I eluded to, however, it did happen. My nemesis, wasn't really a nemesis, he was more like who i, in my mind, most competed with, whether he felt the same or not...

I do remember coming out to only girls, and this entry was obviously before i ever came out to my parents. I think back then, I imagined that my mom said the word faggot, because I don't ever remember her saying such things...

The AOL nicknames are no longer there... and the names were replaced with the first two letters of their first and last name, with the exception of the internet people, because i don't know if that was their real name.

I believe the date of this entry was August 6 1995, because the next entry was August 7th. I DO remember being very scared at first realization of being gay. I can tell that my thought and writing patterns were more, sporadic than they usually are, or perhaps just chalk it up to being younger... It did kill me to type in those spelling, grammar and punctuation marks... but I thought it would be best to try and preserve this little piece of psyche for myself.


I was kinda a messed up kid wasn't I?