Last night, while driving to philly, after all of the things going on in my life, I had a panic attack. I haven't had one in a long time, and it was NOT a welcome reunion.
I don't know if it was that i didn't have anything in my stomach, an uncertain future, looming tax season (this one promises to be disastrous), increased weight (yeah... that's always fun) or just the fact i was driving (not something i enjoy doing) but i had a complete breakdown where i couldn't stop shaking.
I pulled over to the side of the turnpike, rolled down the windows (yes... it was FREEZING COLD) and started to heavy breathe/meditate in order to quell the feelings.
In the trying to calm myself down, i had an overwhelming feeling that my entire life is a failure. There is no stability in it, and what really got me, hit me out of no-where, is that while i have lots of love for friends and family, no real romantic love. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. etc...
I don't know why that decided to pop in, but it did and i hated it. in truth, it made me start to cry, which is not necessarily good for the whole "calming down" thing.
My panic attack lasted roughly 20 minutes in total, which seamed like 2 hours in reality, and then i finished driving home. Not listening to any music, radio, or anything. I had the vent on to pull the cold air from outside to keep the air flowing and keep me cold (always seems to help in a panic attack for some reason)
On the rest of my trip... a name kept popping into my head, as someone, who should could be the one to solve my love crisis, there are complications ofcourse, because he is in atlanta, and i am in NJ. something tells me i will be seeing him again, but, if i am being honest with myself. I don't think it will happen.
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