breaking up is hard to do...

Today i wrote a breakup letter... and it was a difficult thing to do... today... i broke up with my realestate agent.

My place in atlanta NEEDS to be rented out soon. it's a HUGE drain on my bank account. and it has to be relieved.

So... i broke up with my old realestate agent, who had my place since sept 1. and I think only like 5 people have seen it... so... thank you very much... but this is business...

so why am i even writing about this? well... he is (or atleast was) my friend... i thought he was doing me a favor... well... this favor has cost me a lot of money so far. this move might damage the friendship... but... this constant drain is certainly gonna be the death of me.

anxiety is getting worse... i hate drama...

it's been a long time

Wow... i was surprised to see that this blog was still up... i never expected it to be (i thought there was a timeout limit) and no doubt, people have stopped reading it... but i just finished watching julie and julia, and i got into a writing mood. So since it is NOVEMBER... i thought i would bring everyone up to speed.


I have landed in Hoboken. A quaint little 1 square mile of NJ, that approximately 35,000 people resides in. (yes... look it up!) and i love it. I have a small one bedroom railroad style apartment, (that means, everything is stacked front to back) that's about 9 foot wide and about 60 feet deep... it's not a bad place... stainless steel appliances, granite counter tops, whirlpool tub and heat and hot water included. (i know... something doesn't quite seem right about that statement... but i digress)

Living in NJ is everything i thought it would be, fast paced, convenient, and expensive. My rent here is more than my mortgage in Atlanta. but we will get to that later.

Parking is a nightmare, if you don't pay for a parking space, which i have decided to do, roughly $200/mo for a spot in an automated parking garage, where the machines park your car for you! It's a nice little arrangement, but sometimes, the machines don't work quite as fast as you would like them.

I have no furniture, with the exception of a bed, a card table with 2 folding chairs, a couple of stools, and a computer desk. I have brought up very little of my furniture from atlanta because it just won't fit... it's all too big.

Speaking of atlanta, i have still not rented out my condo. STILL not... so all of this time i have been paying rent and a mortgage. Do you have any idea how draining that is financially? it's crazy, but... i do manage to do it.

Work is another crazy adventure, I am not quite sure what to think of it. It certainly keeps me super busy doing mostly things i am not officially "qualified" to do, but I do it anyway. Everything that has to do with computers, I have my hand in, but i am still not perm... I probably won't become perm till at least feb, and then, only if i can afford it. (oh... still have my car too, if anyone is looking to buy one)

As it turns out, MOST (though not all) of my friends down in atlanta have no desire to keep in touch, and only contact me if they a. need something or b. i contact them. Other than that, i guess out of sight out of mind... the problem is, thinking back to my earlier blog about circles of friends, most of the inner circle are showing out, but everyone else is just not coming to the table. I guess i knew it was going to be like that, but oh well... nothing i can do about it now. I guess my atlanta roots didn't run so deep.

I have also been more than a year without medication, and for a while, i was fine, though i feel pangs of it starting to come back. that's not fun... i can feel it coming back, but i can't seem to do anything about it. =\ I guess we will see how it manifests itself.

other than that... life keeps trudging along... I have a feeling i will be writing more, however... i have made that promise before... a couple times... and i don't seem to do much about it do i?

exerpt of a letter sent

this was a couple paragraphs sent as a facebook message to one of my friends who asked how i was doing.

This is only an exerpt! =P


anyway... North Jersey isn't all that bad... i miss my friends from down south... but at the moment... i can't really do anything about that. I am currently staying with friends of my parents... they are very nice... but i don't really have my own space. even the room that they put me in (their old son's room) they keep going in and out of because they have clothes and stuff in the closets. I am the type of person who needs my own space for periods of time, and here... i just don't get it...

This weekend i will be trying to remedy that by going apartment hunting. I am looking at areas closest to new york city, as they tend to be the most gay friendly of areas... and perhaps i might make a couple friend networks there. my policy is to not really fraternize with work associates outside of work as friends, because if something happens outside of work... work itself would be awkward... that plus... i would have to come out much sooner than i'd like. I never lie about being gay to anyone anymore... but i prefer to not start waving the rainbow flag so soon after joining the company as it could cause a lot more animosity than i think it's worth.

NY

well... okay... so slap me... i have been super busy... but i thought... perhaps it's time to document my latest "adventure"

You will see the title says NY... but please note... I have yet to step foot in the state... my adventure has only taken me to north jersey...

so... last wednesday I went to philadelphia to spend some time with my parents and find a car. I knew what I wanted... but after doing a little due diligence it came down to 3 cars... The Honda Fit, The Toyota Yaris, and the Hyundai Accent... as difficult as it was making the decision (all 3 of them had some things going for them... I went with the most expensive car... the Honda Fit.

In the mean time... During my stay in Philadelphia, I got in contact with some of the consulting people who will be the account reps that want to make sure I do a good job. That's when I found out... the Friday before I started work... that it's shirt and tie... NOT business casual! So Friday night... I went out and bought a whole new wardrobe... 10 shirts and 8 pairs of pants with 8 ties... for $500... not too bad... i went the next day to get dress shoes and socks.

BTW... tension was mounting about the job... ya know... pre-first day jitters and such... I was, in the back of my mind, thinking this whole thing was a big mistake and my sleep pattern, or lack of sleep pattern became worse.

Sunday morning I set out for North Jersey with my brand new Honda Fit... The drive was fine, but I was tired and was afraid i was going to pass out or something... But i made it safe and sound to friends of my parents, who were very kind to put me up till i find a suitable apartment.

They are very nice people and they really didn't have to put me up. I am staying in their one son's room who happened to move down to atlanta and work for the company i used to as a sales guy (small world huh?) and well... the wife had taken over the son's closets... so... despite me staying here in the room... she is constantly coming in... (not while i am here... because she knocks) but... definitely comes in several times a day... I am cramped and no real privacy space of my own... not MY ideal situation... but... there ya go...

So... I started work on Monday, and well... they have kept me busy ever since... I started out on monday at 8am, and met with 3 consulting people who are all part of the account. they were very nice and told me i look nice... (i decided, with mom's help, to do a full suit that day...)

It was very busy... i was running around all day trying to take things in... I went to do the basic stuff... get my badge etc... and they immediately put me to work in following people and clearing basic tickets, despite not having a laptop, or account... just telling me what to do and me doing it...

(the reason i didn't have a laptop yet... is because i have to build it. )

Since then... i have been involved as a tech person in one of their training sessions, which went disastrously, and have for the most part... been doing IT grunt work (taking inventory, and now assisting with IT moves from personnel from the 5th floor of the building to the 6th. I was so busy that monday, my first day... I had only a 20 min lunch break... and tuesday... i only had a 10. Plus... i get to work early... though it's only to avoid the traffic.

Also... because a lot of people share my first name... they call me JP... a nickname i will have to just get used to, as that's how i am being introduced to people.

so... i am looking for an apartment... staying in a place with no privacy... just... getting acclimated... i would promise to start writing in here more often again... but ya know... i am busy..

Update on the job search...

So... on thursday i get a call... from a company that i submitted my resume to (down here in atlanta) about a month ago. Saying that the position i was put forth for, had just opened... and they would like to know if i am interested in officially applying and going through the interview process.

This position isn't a technical position persay... not part of the IT staff... I will be doing technical stuff, but for the business, not for IT...

So... i was thinking... what should i do?

If i get an offer for the job down here, which, i most likely will after going through the interview process, what do i do?

I was looking for a job that would un-complicate my life. The job down here would do that, it would keep me in my condo... keep me with my friends in atlanta... and would most likely pay me enough to continue on... It's not quite the career move i'd like to make... being that it's a position in the business rather than IT... but it would keep me here...

On the other hand... i had been talking myself into the fact that I will be moving to NYC for the last month, and have started getting used to the idea. All of my family and friends from up north are excited at the possibility that i might be moving... and staying would certainly disappoint them. The position up in NYC is also probably the better job, despite the salaries being comparable... it's an IT position that i would be reporting to the CIO... it's a real chance to shine and i think it would be the better job for me.

I know this decision is not about anyone else... but me... and i haven't gotten the job down here yet... but... it has me all messed up in the head and filled with anxiety over the decision process. both companies are moving SUPER FAST... so a decision will be made soon.

well...

it looks like things are moving slowly ahead to NYC. I am still conflicted but resolving myself more to the fact that it's just going to happen.

everyone i talk to says i will love that area... *shrug* maybe i will! I will still miss my friends though... i won't get a chance to hang out with them anymore... and that kinda sucks...

anyhow... still looking around the atlanta area... still finding nothing... but we will see...

well... i passed the interview

I passed the interview with the CIO of the company... and if all goes well... i will most likely be leaving Atlanta... this is such a crazy world...

I have a TON of mixed emotions about this... as most people know...

Moving to where employment is a good thing... and my friends and family up north are esctatic...

My friends down here though, are less than thrilled, and I have become quite close with some of them... it would sadden me to leave, but i do what i must in the end...


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on a side note... i leave in 3 hours to go pick up my mother... who hasn't been to atlanta in over 3 years... i am quite nervous about her visit... i just want it to be a good one, she is staying till monday. It will certainly be interesting.

started dating someone

Yes... had 2 successful dates with someone... a church musician... (i know...)

he's a really nice guy... seems to really like me... (well... i would hope so if he went on a second date)

The only thing i am currently concerned about... is what happens if i have to move? that won't be fun... IF this relationship progresses.

The great descent!

Mom is coming down... after over 3 years! My mother is coming to atlanta... tomorrow! She is coming down to spend the weekend... I am looking forward to it, but a little nervous/scared too...

she's not as mobile as she really needs to be, so we can go to the museums and such... We would need to schlep long a wheelchair and stuff... (of which i am trying to procure for the weekend)

I am also trying to empty my refrigerator... because i know she will be cooking like crazy! (not a bad thing)

Job is done... looking for another

My contract ended... so... i have been lookin for a new job.

The company i was with wanted to keep me... but they got their budgets MAJORLY slashed... so... no more money for me to stay...

oh well...

i have been spewing resumes all over the place, and no-one has bitten, i have been given leads... but... nope... no responses...

Right now, though i have been waiting for a couple days, about a job in North Jersey, right outside of NYC. I have to be honest.. I have very mixed emotions about moving...

what do i do about my condo... my friends... etc... but i am not closed minded about the whole thing... just unsure... i guess if i get the job up there... i will really have to see...

He Wooed me with Multi Level Marketing

Yes... you read the title correctly...

One of the guys I was interested in, have been for some time, but we just recently got together for the first time... He's a nice guy, has his crap together... owns 2 businesses and really is on top of everything he does...

So... our first meeting was nice, but un-eventful... we met for lunch and talked about alot of different things. We left it so that we would chat with each other again soon, and hang out more.

He wasn't one of those fly-by-night characters either... we did stay in touch!!! So... about 2 weeks go by and we had planned a date for thursday. (it's monday of that week)

Tuesday, i hear nothing from him... a little odd, but i had been trying to get confirmation as to whether or not we were still on.

Wednesday morning comes around and we start chatting... I mention our hang out (which i thought would be more of a date) and he mentions he has a meeting with a client. I was like... oh... well... i am sorry to hear that... (but i understand... he does own 2 businesses) i wish him good luck on the meetings...

He then contacts me through txt messages and said the plan has changed.. he's going to a "build a better business" seminar and doesn't want to go alone, so he asked me if i could go with him. It was close to where i was working, but he didn't really tell me what the meeting was all about. I agreed to go, because... well... i wanted to hang out with him.

So... I got there and everyone was friendly and stuff... i was like... OKAY... i can deal with this... Then it happened... we went into the presentation and it was for a network marketing thing... Selling products, getting people recruited, etc... you know how those pitches are... full of energy, comedy, and "logic".

I am normally a sucker for those things because i see the potential... but i am not a good sales guy and don't want to damage my reputation with my friends/family by doing a hard sell... HOWEVER... i did sign up...

The guy that brought me there thinks that i signed up because it's an awesome deal... but i did not! I signed up, because, well... he wanted me to, and i wanted to spend time with him. He was happy, and so i was happy... I already knew i was not good at these things... but hey... i am only a guy right...

The next couple weeks, i was told about how he was going to use one of his businesses to ensure we were all successful... (hasn't happened... and every time we are SUPPOSED to talk about it... it never seems to come up) and every time i talk to him now.. the conversations are dominated (though not exclusively) about this multi-level marketing thing...

Every time i want to meet and hang out... he mentions that we do it at the office, which, is every time i have seen him since...

So... i confronted him on this... told him i have been wanting to hang out with him and possibly date... that's when he said... oh... he's not interested in dating... just looking for good friends...

seriously? *sigh*

I said... okay... well... friends it is... (if someone wants to be my friend... how can i really say no or not want that.. he didn't do anything wrong right?) But since that conversation... i have lost interest in being more than friends... which is good i guess...

The epilog is... ofcourse... i am signed up for this MLM campaign, out a few hundred dollars... and everyone i do talk to about this thing is not biting... so i am labeled a poor performer... mostly because i have a conscious and don't push people.

i mentioned this to my aunt... and she said... "OH MY GOD... WORST DATE EVER!"


ya got that right!

so... what's been going on?

i know i know i know... you can yell at me because i said i would write in this more often... and i don't seem to. It's out of pure laziness, not because i haven't done anything or nothing is going on... so there will be a couple updates in succession.

thought for the day

ya know... in a couple hundred years... if humanity survives (and i'm sure it will) this time will be looked on as the dark ages...

I can only imagine what would be said...

"a keyboard? why do you need a board of keys... we just wave our hand and the door opens"

"you mean... computers were NOT built into your brain? they were seperate boxes?"

"people used gas? really"

"what is trans fat? and for that matter, what is fat... and what is this food you speak of... is that something like our nutrition pill?"

"is talking like our little mental communicators?"

"what came first... the chicken or the egg" (some mysteries in life will never be revealed)

"what is pure bred?"

"you mean... people actually deficated in a bowl of water that flushed?"


yeah... this is the dark ages isn't it?

interviews

well...

monday i had an interview for the job in NYC... it was more like a test though... I know it was supposed to be techncal, but it was more like a test... asking me specific questions for stuff that i would never need to know outside of the system... in other words... knowing which documentum object nes to be extended to create document templates is not really required "top of your head" knowledge... especialy since it's easily found when the system is in front of you...

combine that with the fact that i was no even told or warned that the interview was coming... it happened at 5:30pm, a time i didn't expect it to happen, so i had invited a friend over... and he arrived just as the interview was happening... so the phone was ringing off the hook for him to come up.

All said though, despite the fact ithought i did horribly... apparently they liked what i said and i will be progressing to the next round, which will probably consist of me headng up for an n person interview up in new york...

we will see...

updates

Well... it's been a while since i commented on anything... so here i am to give the updates...

1. My mom is coming down to visit... now... normally this wouldn't be news worthy, execept that it will be 3 years since she has been here... I am doing spring cleaning in her honor... and trying to get rid of a lot of junk i have accumulated over the years...

2. One of my very good friends was put in jail for something infinitesmally stupid and not even illegal... it's a long story of which i cannot really talk about... but it makes me very upset.

3. My current job's contract with me is running out... NEXT WEEK!!!! i am a bit worried... i keep dropping the hints that i would like to be renewed... but they keep giving me mixed signals as to whether i will or not...

4. On the job front... i have been iterviewing for a temp-to-perm job out of NYC... it's a japanese pharmaeutical company and it's a position i would be perfct for. When i was originally told about the position, i was told it was something i could do from home... be dial in support... but after the first phone interview, I was told that it is a local position... so i would have to move...

this brings up several... issues... i am not ready to move... while i would love this job... i don't know or feel i am ready to move from atlanta yet... i would severely miss my friends, my place, etc... and moving to the area around NYC is going to be a HUGE change... i am highly conflicted... but no-one else is knocking on my door to give any options... so i might have to move...

oh... did i forget to mention that if i get the job... i will be moving next month? yeah... fun times..

5. i recently joined, what promises to be a cool company... it has a lot of cool pieces about it and has the potential to make lots of money... but not immediately... so... ya know... gotta still keep looking for work....

6. I like this guy... but i don't think he likes me as much as i like him... he's always busy though, so it's difficult to tell if i am getting the cold shoulder, or he's just too busy... he keeps apologizing for how busy he is... i guess that's a positive sign... i am just conflicted... ya know...

lately

i have been feeling pretty lonely lately. i am not quite sure why... well... i know logially WHY i am lonely... but not sure why i have been feeling it more than usual.

I have been trying to get people interested in dating me, but most everyone i approach starts out interested, but ends up aloof. I don't know whether it's because i am trying to put myself out there?

I have gotten into a bad habit lately... going onto dating/hookup sites and browsing profiles, but not sending messages out. I wait till someone sends me a message. My way of thinking is that if they send me a message... they are interested... somewhat... but... the pattern of indifference seems to develop after chatting a little bit. not sure why...

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on a different note... i noticed that my memory seems to be slipping lately. I have been haing issues getting my words out and problems remembering simple things... I don't know what's happening... but i don't like it.

i like people... i really do...

but sometimes...they annoy the hell out of me...

So... my social life has undergone some changes... what i thought were for the better... but it seems to be just more of the same. I have been trying to meet and date people... really... i have!!!

admittedly, most of them (though not all) originate from online... they all have one thing in common... a fatal flaw...

now... mind you... i am no big prize... but the people i have run into lately are either...

1. literally retarded (not very good at english comprehension)
2. liars up front... (and not good ones either...)
3. are very far away (over 5 hours driving distance... and they want to come over and stay on the first meeting)
4. critically infected with FFFS...

i keep thinkin this whole online thing is just a bad idea anymore... and some of my friends feel the same way... but i have met some really nice people online... i really have... and when i bring this fact up to them (who i met online who says the online thing is not good) i keep getting the response "I am the exception"

everyone says that... to the point where the bad online thing is not the rule anymore because there are tooooo many exceptions...

so where to go? bars... clubs?... i don't know... people suggest that i go join a community organization or professional org... i looked into that... but when i am doing some sort of community service... i concentrate on the service... not the people around me... and it's a time committment...

WTF... i am putting up walls where there shouldn't be... i guess i am used to doing that so much it becomes innate...

There is a guy i like... but... he is showing mostly disinterest... i say mostly... because he does display small hints of being interested... but when i go with his queue... he pulls back... i don't know... maybe he's not looking for anything...


ya know... on second thought... people suck... and not in the good way...

ugh

so... tonight has not been what i would consider a "good night"

the day did start off fine..went to work... left a little early because i worked through lunch... Things were going relatively well. And... i was gonna have a date tonight!!!!

Well... i kinda did notice it being a little odd when my date hadn't shown up online at all today... i know he's busy, but that is a little unusual. Yesterday he left work early to go home because he had a bad headache...

he knows i get off work at 4... he was gonna come over... we were gonna go have dinner, then come back to my place and watch movies... just try and keep it low key. We never set a time... but i figured when he was done at the office, he would swing by as he only works like 15 blocks from my place...

4:00pm... 5:00pm... 6:00pm....

nothing... so i gave him a call... no answer... but i decided to leave a voicemail to say... hey... just wanted to see if we were still on for tonight... i hope everything is good... talk to ya soon...

around 6:30ish i get a text saying he has been in bed all day and could he take a raincheck... i, ofcourse said sure... and asked him if he needs anything... he said he just needed rest and that was that...

i ordered chinese...

after eating chinese... i was feeling a little extra bloated.. when i got an IM from someoe i have been talking to for over a year now... from Tennessee... he was in atlanta and wanted to know how my date went...

i told him my date was sick... and i was by myself... he mentioned that he was in atlanta and now would be a good opportunity to see me if i wanted... just as an FYI here... he has wanted to see me for quite some time... and... well... ya know... we will leave it at that...

my stomach was bad... and i really wasn't in the mood... but i thought... well... okay... so i talked him through how to get here... despite the fact that he passed my exit...

he came up... we chilled for a moment... offered him a drink and he said he was fine... at this point... my stomach... was just NOT cooperating at all and i had to use the facilities... i told him i would be right back and set him up with the TV...

now... normally i am gone like 20 min... but this was only 5 or so minutes... i came out and he was watchin TV and he was kinda quiet... so... i started talking to him... how ya doin? how was your friend (that he visited before me) can i get you anything... he was kinda quiet...

so i decided to open up a little more... i said "so... am i what you expected?" he said... not really with a slight cringe to his face... so I asked him if he was dissappointed... he said a little bit... so... i was like... okay... what's on your mind? (after like a 3 minute pause) he's like... nothing...

i proceeded to mention, i am an adult and he can tell me... he mentioned that he didn't really want to talk... seeing that he was getting uncomfortable, i did say... please don't feel like you have to stay if you're uncomfortable... to which he replied... I am comfortable... there is no problem...

so i was like... what would you like to do? he had mentioned to me before that he wanted new pics taken of him... so i asked about that, and he said no... he's fine...

another 5 minutes went by... i was like... so... what would you like to talk about... and without warning he was like... i don't really want to talk... he got up and STORMED OUT!

not wanting to chase him down the hall and create a spectacle... i called his phone, no answer... so i sent him 2 text messages... "please don't leave like this" and "i'm sorry for what i did" (i know i didn't do anything wrong... but i mean... we were chatting online for over a year... what was i to do... throw away a friendship because i wanted to talk...

he responded to my texts saying... "too late, im out of th gate"

to which i responded "you turned around once... you can do it again"

4 minutes went by... at this point... my stomach was bad... my heart was racing.. i was on the verge of an anxiety attack for the sheer swiftness that everything happened + my stomach... and i was just upset... so... i sent another text...

"fine... apparently you don't want to be friends... please don't bother contacting me anymore" (this is very A-Typical of me... but i was just fed up)

he replied... and this is a quote:

"Dont worry i will lose everything that i have of u. No gets of to talk if i dont want to talk."

That... i thought, would be the end of that... but i get a call 3 minutes later as i am telling the concierge downstairs what just happened...

I debated whether to answer it or not... but i thought... why not...

he said he thought it was hysterical that i told him he could go... then i told him not to...

I made it a point to clarify... "i was not not concerned that you left... it's HOW you left that concerned me... You left all mad and pissed and i wanted a chance to fix those emotions before you left... I didn't think you should leave mad after chatting for over a year"

he mentioned something about he didn't want to talk and i kept forcing him... I was like... okay, okay, okay, okay, okay (to his rant) and then i said... well... be safe driving down to your sister's... take care... to which he said ok... and hung up the phone... i then proceeded to delete him from my lists... except from my phone.. because if he calls... i wanna know it's him.


ofcourse... on top of this all... my colon was going to explode... so i rushed back up to take care of business....





now... i am an analyst... i tried to figure out what happened tonight... here is my deductions:

1. when he saw me, i was NOT what expected to the negative... since i don't doctor my picture or anything... i guess he just thought i would be cuter and probably thinner in person... (i made NO illusions that i was ever something i was not) and he was dissappointed...

2. upon point 1... he didn't want to talk about anything and decided to keep his distance... so i decided to give him an out... which he first refused... if someone is uncomfortable in my place... i don't want them here... so... he probably just didn't want to stay at all... but tried not to be rude... (which didn't work... did it?)

3. i think... after chatting with me for over a year... and romanticizing how i would be... he put me on a pedistol i don't think anyone could have aspired to... which contributed to his dissappointment...


normally... i would be broken up about this all... but in all honesty... he too was a lot cuter in his pictures than he was in real life with his nasty assed-red necked teeth... and well... he lives in tennessee... so... ultimately... i don't care....

Moral of the story... (which i have followed for quite some time now actually):

never make any committments to ANYONE online WITHOUT meeting them first... HE... did not follow my advice... and look where it got him... oh well... another person with FFFS out of my hair...

on a side note... i have to get myself fixed up... i need to lose like... i don't know... 80 lbs... i am way too fat and ugly....



which brings me to the after effects from tonight... i am now VERY skiddish about meeting the date i was SUPPOSED to hav tonight... as i feel, he will probably have the same reaction... I know it's just my paranoia... but still...

low self esteem.

So... i have low self esteem... I know that... mostly everyone who knows me is fully aware that i look down upon myself...

It's part of my personality... for good or for ill... i feel as though it keeps me humble... That's not why i have it... but that's a positive side effect...

Since everyone knows i have low self esteem, i usually tell them not to let me know that i am not what i say i am, EVERY TIME... So when i post something that does demean me slightly... all i hear comments on is "you're not ugly... blah blah blah..."

Well... i do appreciate the sentiment... and I thank you for your positive thoughts... but... unfortunately, you saying that isn't really going to help me change the way I feel about myself. If anything... for some strange reason, it makes me feel embarassed and a little annoyed. I do appreciate compliments... but not negative reactions to what i say and type, especially if and when the point is completely missed.

I know where my strong points are... I know my looks, at the moment, are not one of them. Kinda like, i know i will never ever ever ever ever be a good doctor... i can't stand the site of guts... it's not one of my strong points...


As i am writing this, i do realize how pompous it sounds... but seriously... i am okay with myself... really... i am workin on changing my appearance to boost my esteem... once i do, you will see my attitude change about myself... but don't expect a miracle.

thought of the day

so... i had heard a lot of drama going between my friends... and I mean A LOT... with a capitol A LOT... i find it amusing that it's all caused by lies, deceit, broken promises, and seeing what one can get away with... combined with a wide assortment of hormones.

Just when you think it's over... a whole other chapter seems to open... after i heard today's chapter, i thought 2 things...

First... I should turn this into a script "inspired by true events" I think i will call it... "Devious"

Second... and this is my thought of the day... is that, and I quoted this to one of my friends...:

For once, I am actually glad i am the fat, ugly friend that no-one wants to fuck... it saves me a TON of drama!

So by now...

you're probably wondering why i haven't mentioned going on a 3rd date... Well... there isn't really too much to say on the subject...

There was no 3rd date. I think that the reasons rest solely upon me. There are 2 reasons that are leading me to not contact him.

1. The end of the 2nd date ended a little strange. I was seduced into having sex... whch is NOT the strange thing. The strange part is, when i asked about a condom, it was mentioned that none was needed. I found that EXTREMELY odd, especially since he's a nursing student.

2. This reason is much more selfish of me. He doesn't call, write, text, email, facebook, nothing... My birthday was on Tuesday, he did know about it, we talked about it. But not so much as a text saying happy birthday. He only seems to want to respond to my messages. Now... i know this is extremely petty of me, but... if he can't bother to contact me, why should i contact him?

I mean... i know i am no prize... but damnit... show a little tiny initiative! I am not asking for communication every day, but... once a week? oh well...

Happy VD Everyone!

Ya know... i think it's funny that Valentine's Day's initials are the same as Venereal Disease. As i think both have the same appeal. I have never had anyone for valentine's day, but i imagine that if i did, i would insist on NOT celebrating it...

I think if people love each other, there shouldn't be one day to "show" it. Stupid Hallmark holiday...

Update

So... today I turn 33... what an odd age... but here i am in it...

This past saturday i had a second date with my little personal trainer. We went to dinner, it was nice... hopefully it will lead to a 3rd date...

anyway... happy birthday to me!

i had a date!

We went for coffee... it was wonderful!

it was a short date, and i won't go into too many details at the moment... but... it was very nice, a little too short... and ended with a kiss! (well... several)

I am tryin not to get too excited and giddy... but when i was down in the lobby and mentioned him... i.. apparently was blushing... A LOT!!!!!!!

=)

I was born in the USA

Really I was...

But ofcourse... one governmental department had other ideas...

So... this past Monday, I had some down time from printing, counting and binding... my main tasks currently at work (i needed some mental stimulation) So... since my birthday is next month, and my driver's license has come due, i thought... let me renew it...

In Georgia, you have the ability to renew your license online. So that's where i went. While looking over the online form it asked for an RIN number... (it's just a renewal number) But i didn't have it on me... and come to think of it... i don't remember getting one in the mail. But... it is possible i missed it. So I called up the Department of Driver Services...

"Hello... i'm looking to renew my license which expires next month... but i didn't get the RIN number... could you help me?"

I proceeded to give him the proper information identification. Then I asked "could you tell me when you sent the renewal, or can you give me an RIN number over the phone?"

He proceeded to say that an RIN number was not issued... I asked why... and he said...

"Because you're not a US citizen"

...

...


"excuse me?"

"We don't have you marked in the system as a US citizen, you cannot renew online"

"I'm sorry" I said "what do you mean? I was born in Pennsylvania, i mean... i know that can seem like a world away, but it is part of the united states"

"even if that is the case, i can't change it over the phone... you have to come in and get this sorted out. Bring your birth certificate, social security card, and current drivers license up to sandy springs" (about 30 minutes away)

I got the information and decided to go the next day, but not without telling a bunch of other people... I was flabberghasted!!!!! My mom, when i told her, was more frustrated than i was.

Now... i didn't start my blog till last year... but... one thing I DEFINATELY would have written about is my License transfer process. Now... in Pennsylvania, getting your driver's license renewed, transferred, etc... is almost instantaneous. You go into one of their stations, sit down, get your picture and move on. voila! If you are waiting in line, it's only behind one person, and normally, it's no longer than 5 minutes.

Down in georgia, however, when i went to get my license transferred, I was waiting in line for 5 hours... yes... 5 hours...

Yes... 5 hours!!!!!!!!

a far cry from 5 minutes... the DoDS just moves slow... and there is always a line... i was outside of the building for 2 hours in line. and like 3 hours inside...

So I was NOT looking forward to going to the DoDS again (even if it was a different station...) but there was no major line and the whole renewal took 2 hours... much different from 5 hours... but MUCH worse still than 5 minutes.

I did ask where they thought i was from... they didn't have it listed in their computer system... just... and i quote "Not from around these parts"

*blink* okay... that's obvious! I renewed my license for 10 years... so hopefully... i will never have to do this again in georgia...

Lesson learned yesterday...

A full house beats a flush...

a flush, that happens to be a straight as well... is NOT the same as either a flush or a straight...

This... basic poker lesson has been brought to you by Georgia Lottery and one of my friends who was convinced he won $500,000 on a scratch off ticket...

until he realized that... he didn't...

i'm still here!!!!

yes... i am still alive... still kicking... still stressed... still busy...

i started working again... (though i haven't been paid yet)

i am STILL off my anxiety medication... and still fine for the most part...

i am still lonely and would like to see that changed... even if i feel i am undeserving or incapable of love

i have had my patience stretched to its limits

i have had a string of crazy... strange, wierd dreams...

and more will come...