Just a quick update for anyone who was concerned, both my friend, and I are doing much better since this weekend.
I don't have much else to stay at the moment... just letting you all know... =)
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The morning after...
I just woke up, though I never really went to sleep... I have ben laying in my bed for roughly an hour now, going through the scene last night in my head over and over...
Everytime i get to certain details of things that were said... i can't help but unleash 2 or 3 sobs as to what could have happened, and that a friend of mine felt that way... The sobs feel fake... while my eyes water up during them, no full tears are produced... But despite the feelings that they are fake, they are uncontrollable...
My whole body is shaking... like fresh off of a full blown panic attack. I can feel hunger in the pit of my stomach... but i can't eat anything... my body is exhausted and my mind won't stop running scenarios... Was everything that we did last night the right answer...
For reasons I won't go into... callig 911 has the potential to be a lot more troublesome than anyone can imagine... but I feel as though, if we didn't i might be short one friend... though... i might be short one friend anyway, if not forgiven for how the situation was handled...
All last night i kept thinking... try to keep a cool head... as i feel this morning... i don't know how i came up with the strength last night to hold it together, because since i started typing this entry... i had to stop roughly 15 times to sob... 16...
Ugh... I feel aweful... I wish I could help him out... give him what he needs to go on and take on his burden(s)... but I have my own burdens to bare...
17...
Everytime i get to certain details of things that were said... i can't help but unleash 2 or 3 sobs as to what could have happened, and that a friend of mine felt that way... The sobs feel fake... while my eyes water up during them, no full tears are produced... But despite the feelings that they are fake, they are uncontrollable...
My whole body is shaking... like fresh off of a full blown panic attack. I can feel hunger in the pit of my stomach... but i can't eat anything... my body is exhausted and my mind won't stop running scenarios... Was everything that we did last night the right answer...
For reasons I won't go into... callig 911 has the potential to be a lot more troublesome than anyone can imagine... but I feel as though, if we didn't i might be short one friend... though... i might be short one friend anyway, if not forgiven for how the situation was handled...
All last night i kept thinking... try to keep a cool head... as i feel this morning... i don't know how i came up with the strength last night to hold it together, because since i started typing this entry... i had to stop roughly 15 times to sob... 16...
Ugh... I feel aweful... I wish I could help him out... give him what he needs to go on and take on his burden(s)... but I have my own burdens to bare...
17...
The lowest of the low
I am sitting here, on my bed, exhausted, eyes full of tears... so nervous I am shaking...
about 3 hours ago i got a frantic phone call from a good friend of mine shouting something incomprehensible... I tried to ask for clarification, but he hung up... I thought it was a practical joke...
I got the call again about 20 seconds later... the still screaming in my ear... but the words "XXXXX is trying to kill himself" rang... and despite being moderately annoyed, one doesn't get that call all the time... So i got out of bed, got dressed, and went over there. I called one other person to be sure of the address and arrived.
When i got there... there was a struggle on the floor... my one friend intent on hurting himself, with my other friend sitting on him and pinning him down... The oe on the ground was crying and wanted to be let up... He was extremely upset... i immediately grabbed and hugged him and i could feel him wanting to break away.
We struggled, he wanted to get into the kitchen for some sharp utensils, he already tried it once tonight... I kept trying to reason with him... but he was utterly defeated... tired, broken, and just wanted to end it all... I held him in my arms on the floor... telling him how much i love him, that his family and friends all care about him... but none of that seemed to matter...
As I held him tight, and he was calming down,and giving him words of encouragement and love, the other friend, under my instructions called 911 to get the ambulace and the paramedics there... once they showed up, he calmed down greatly... i hugged him and led him to the bed... where he laid there... calm... until the paramedics took him in the ambulance to the psych ward to get some tests run... (4 hous there and they still haven't seen him)
He is spending a lot of time texting from the hospital expressing his rage and frustration. several times he has asked me to bring him home... but i cannot... they will not release him, and I want him to truely get better...
The catalyst for this outburst will most likely not dissolve... I am afraid for him... I love him to death and i am sitting here crying my eyes out over the what if...
Twice, when i was younger i attempted suicide for different reasons... I know what it's like to be hurt like he's hurting... both attempts, I am happy to report, were miserable failures...
To make matters worse... one of the people that I called to help... was sadly too drunk to help... and in turn... just more drama was created as she acted like a sick 2 year old... wanting all of the attention...Luckily, my friend who was having the issues, was already out of the house...
As I sit here... eyes blurred with tears and reliving my "what if" thoughts in my head... i can't help but think of just how precious life is... I rejoice in the fact that there was ALMOST a great loss today... an ALMOST that resolved in the negative...
I am still shook up, and terribly upset... I have to be strong for my friends... I love them so much...
about 3 hours ago i got a frantic phone call from a good friend of mine shouting something incomprehensible... I tried to ask for clarification, but he hung up... I thought it was a practical joke...
I got the call again about 20 seconds later... the still screaming in my ear... but the words "XXXXX is trying to kill himself" rang... and despite being moderately annoyed, one doesn't get that call all the time... So i got out of bed, got dressed, and went over there. I called one other person to be sure of the address and arrived.
When i got there... there was a struggle on the floor... my one friend intent on hurting himself, with my other friend sitting on him and pinning him down... The oe on the ground was crying and wanted to be let up... He was extremely upset... i immediately grabbed and hugged him and i could feel him wanting to break away.
We struggled, he wanted to get into the kitchen for some sharp utensils, he already tried it once tonight... I kept trying to reason with him... but he was utterly defeated... tired, broken, and just wanted to end it all... I held him in my arms on the floor... telling him how much i love him, that his family and friends all care about him... but none of that seemed to matter...
As I held him tight, and he was calming down,and giving him words of encouragement and love, the other friend, under my instructions called 911 to get the ambulace and the paramedics there... once they showed up, he calmed down greatly... i hugged him and led him to the bed... where he laid there... calm... until the paramedics took him in the ambulance to the psych ward to get some tests run... (4 hous there and they still haven't seen him)
He is spending a lot of time texting from the hospital expressing his rage and frustration. several times he has asked me to bring him home... but i cannot... they will not release him, and I want him to truely get better...
The catalyst for this outburst will most likely not dissolve... I am afraid for him... I love him to death and i am sitting here crying my eyes out over the what if...
Twice, when i was younger i attempted suicide for different reasons... I know what it's like to be hurt like he's hurting... both attempts, I am happy to report, were miserable failures...
To make matters worse... one of the people that I called to help... was sadly too drunk to help... and in turn... just more drama was created as she acted like a sick 2 year old... wanting all of the attention...Luckily, my friend who was having the issues, was already out of the house...
As I sit here... eyes blurred with tears and reliving my "what if" thoughts in my head... i can't help but think of just how precious life is... I rejoice in the fact that there was ALMOST a great loss today... an ALMOST that resolved in the negative...
I am still shook up, and terribly upset... I have to be strong for my friends... I love them so much...
Friday, December 5, 2008
I haven't written in a bit...
Here I am... looking at December... and I keep realizing that I haven't written... though I feel as though I should...
I attribute this current lack of consistency of writing due to the lack of consistency in my life as of late. Still not having a job, no set routine, and nothing really to follow, i find myself just mndlessly going from one task to another in an effort to stay busy.
All around me, my friends continue to fall apart... though it doesn't "SEEM" to be as tragic as the last time i have written, things do not seem to be getting better for anyone.
I have never been out of work this long in my life, and I am not quite ready for retirement. I hate being this unstructured... i feel as though my support is still rapidly collapsing around me...
I KNOW this will change... I am just waiting on corporate america to get off of its lazy ass to finally sign the contract or my temporary employment and than I can start working... while I KNOW it's happening, it seems as though, like so many other things in my life... what's too good to be true... normally is...
I hate the fact that I can take most other people's problems and solve them so quickly through decent insite, but cannot seem to solve my own, but as of late, even that ability seems to be fading, and i find myself saying more often than ever "I don't know what to tell you." usually followed by a frown or a look of grim sincerity.
It's rough... and pretty difficult... but I will manage...
I attribute this current lack of consistency of writing due to the lack of consistency in my life as of late. Still not having a job, no set routine, and nothing really to follow, i find myself just mndlessly going from one task to another in an effort to stay busy.
All around me, my friends continue to fall apart... though it doesn't "SEEM" to be as tragic as the last time i have written, things do not seem to be getting better for anyone.
I have never been out of work this long in my life, and I am not quite ready for retirement. I hate being this unstructured... i feel as though my support is still rapidly collapsing around me...
I KNOW this will change... I am just waiting on corporate america to get off of its lazy ass to finally sign the contract or my temporary employment and than I can start working... while I KNOW it's happening, it seems as though, like so many other things in my life... what's too good to be true... normally is...
I hate the fact that I can take most other people's problems and solve them so quickly through decent insite, but cannot seem to solve my own, but as of late, even that ability seems to be fading, and i find myself saying more often than ever "I don't know what to tell you." usually followed by a frown or a look of grim sincerity.
It's rough... and pretty difficult... but I will manage...
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