nothing to report

it's pretty much just status quo here. nothing really to report... but i did want to say hi...

there will be a couple things coming up soon... but i don't feel like discussing them atm...

=)

always wishing i was something i am not

Lately, i have been in contact with a couple guys... all of whom are out of the area, that i think are very cute, that are interested in me. The feeling, is mutual, but ofcourse, i have been through the whole long distance relationship thing before and i am not happy with the arrangements and situations it causes.

I am missing something in my life... at the moment... it's physical contact... not sex... but hugs, kisses, and cuddling. It's something my being is crying out for... as i have always been affectionate, but living on my own, with very few friends coming to visit, (and in their defense, i don't always rush out to visit them) i find that i just am not getting any of the physical contact that i require.

That's where long distance relationships, for me, go south. There is that missing of contact, and it's not fun at all. I can allow myself to get very emotional with people i have not seen. (i have done that in the past, WAY too often) and i have been lonely. I only ever speak to 2 friends on a regular basis now, and everyone else on a random schedule.

A couple people tell me i need to put myself out there... and i know this is true... and that the people who are chatting with me, i feel have real potential for moving forward, (YES i know i don't know them all that well... so be quiet!)

so... how does this deal with the Title of the blog?... well...

i am finding that my relationships mostly leave me high and dry at the moment... i would like to be the type of person that can both find the courage to get out there, OR, the courage to be what people want me to be. What does that mean? it means if i was thinner, had a little more attitude, a little less on the anxiety/worry piece... i could probably land a good guy. If i wasn't such a geek, into sci-fi and fantasy, into video games and such... i could probably get a lot of chances from more people, than i get now.

I am not saying that there is nothing good about myself. I feel i have a big heart, i have a wonderful family (up in PA), i have a decent job, i love to make people laugh, my friends tell me i am an excellent cook/baker. I have some good qualities, but i always see myself as working with tools i don't have...

So what does that mean? well... i always see myself as younger... not that i am 18 or something... but i guess since i have always been into video games, and fantasy movies, cartoons, comedies (a little on the immature humor side) I always find myself being attracted to younger guys... both physically and mentally, and while i know i am not old... i feel as though i should just be turning like 26 instead of turning 33.

i always feel as though i am just chasing after being something i am not... it's not that i don't accept myself... i just wish i was something else... *shrug*

Either way... i am just kinda a little down about the whole situation. I hope something comes out of the relationships i am attempting to cultivate... but... we will see.

i love my family... i really do!

So... this weekend i was in Las Vegas... and i had a blast... really i did. Vegas was... well... vegas... and even though i left there a little in the red (about $160), we all had a great time!

There was a proverbial gray cloud however... One of my family members, who does not need to be mentioned ofcourse. Everyone who knows us, they know who this is.

This person just had no regard for anyone around him. Deciding not to hang out with us for the majority of the time, smoking in the "pointed out" non-smoking hotel, and deciding to get so drunk, that he had to be escorted to the hotel room by 4 police officers. He stumbled through the door and proceeded to simply fall onto the ground, and was completely, well... off the wall drunk to the point where he had to be put to bed to sleep it off.

I knew to expect behavior similar to this, that doesn't mean i wanted it. But i just have to say, it really kinda hurts that he chose to not care about the fact that we took my father there for his 70th birthday, and was really all about him. By the end of the trip, my father had a good time, but was annoyed at the behavior of said brother, the room smelled like an ashtray, and he did not spend the entire last day with us, and got very annoyed at the fact that we were not happy about his behavior.

it hurts... but lesson learned...

I do love my family, even the more controversial ones.. i don't expect them to change, but i do expect them to respect each other... including me...


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

oh... so... by the way... on a different topic.

I got the room at the Hilton Grand Vacation Club as being part of the Hilton Honors points systems. In return for getting a fairly good deal i had to sit through a presentation for them to sell me timesharing. I sat through their presentation despite not having any interest in purchasing.

I noticed through, throughout their sales pitches, that everything was geared towards heterosexual couples. NOTHING in the pitch about gay people (which i am not surprised at) but nothing, and i mean NOTHING geared to single people. All the images in their movie were (straight) couples and families.

This didn't shock me... as i have stated before, and it didn't offend me per say, but, i did bring this up to my sales person after the pitch, and he was genuinely shocked. I mean... after enduring the question "why hasn't a guy like you found a good girl" and i said... well... because i'm gay...

Once again... he was shocked... but he did thank me for correcting him. first thing: sales people! know your audience...!

I didn't buy, as i wasn't planning, but after the presentation, i decided, it really isn't for me. I am not a heterophobe... but come on... they wanted me to spend $29,000, the least they could have done is showed me a cute single guy in a bathing suit on the beach!

oh well... /rant off

Nervous over nothing

so... it's almost 11:00pm... i should be asleep, but i am not. Why should I be asleep?

because i am going to Las Vegas tomorrow and my plane leaves relatively early that's why. But my nerves are high, and i believe they are activating my IBS. which is not good.

I have been "running" to the bathroom like 5 times today. To make matters worse, i had a WICKED craving for mcdonald's breakfast and probably endulged too much. In my defense, i was feeling OK this morning, but now i am paying for it.

I am looking forward to vegas this weekend... i am going with my 2 brothers and father. I am takin dad for his 70th bday, as he has always wanted to see las vegas, but has never gone. i refuse to be sick...

yet here i am... awake at 11pm... not feeling well... maybe this stroke of bad luck is making way for EXTREMELY good luck... especially when i play the million dollar slots...

please send good vibes my way... because i certainly need them.

addiction... and random feelings as of late

I have noticed the latest addiction of mine getting worse. It's the need for communication.

I have found myself lately, waking up in the morning, and the first thing i do, is put on the laptop to check my email, myspace and facebook messages to see if anyone wrote me. Then i sign onto yahoo messenger, and eventually AIM to start chatting the day away.

My day, as well, ends in the same position, until i feel tired enough to get to sleep, i find myself chatting and sending messages to friends. Trying to self analyze this latest addiction, i know it's not the medium i am addicted to, but what it does.

Since I have been working from home, i find my interaction with people negligible. I do work from home, and keep wanting to push myself to go into the office, but since the gas prices are so high ($4.24+) in my area, I cannot justify it.

I do, venture out of my place, downstairs to talk to the locals, and i have a good working relationship with them. They are always happy to see me and are eager to spread the daily gossip. I do enjoy the live interaction, and seek it out, but it's only a small handful of people, and they are considered friends... but none of them are gay friends.

I find myself drawn to the net, and to these social and chat programs because i really need the interaction with gay people, and there i find myself living in a world where guys actually like me, and chat the time away.

So... when i am missing human interaction, why don't i go to places like bars and clubs and interact?

Because it doesn't work. When i do go to bars and clubs, i end up sitting at the bar, by myself... either nursing a single drink... or something as lame as a soda, and just talk to the bartender when he comes by to say "is everything ok?"

No-one ever approaches me, i can only assume, especially coming from the low self esteem point of view... that it's the way i look. I am un-approachable, because, people don't want to approach me. When i go out, i usually dress comfortably, but not horribly. My clothes are never a mess, always clean, and i usually have a smile on my face as i watch the rest of the bar patrons. So i don't go there (usually) with a miserable attitude. But yet, when i do go... nothing... not so much as a hi.

Which brings me to my next topic. Why do guys online, seem to like nice guys... but guys in real life... only like pretty guys. Who wants a nice guy? I see these people looking for long term relationships (all of the Philippines apparently) and guys who are far away.

I see these guys in my local area, my RL friends getting together and getting boyfriends and think... why can't that be me. Why do all my friends, and guys who like nice guys, live far away.

I kinda feel a little like Ted from Queer as Folk. Who's biggest organ was his heart... but no-one cared about the size of that organ...

But, of course, at the same time... i am not actively pursuing the local people who are pursuing me, because, well... i would rather remain friends... How messed up is that... The guys I want, don't want me... the guys i don't want... want me... and i feel like a jerk because i don't feel for them the same way they feel about me.

And it's not all about the looks either. Some of them are really cute, but we have personality clashes... Or just general personality discord... not a clash per say, just... doesn't go together, parallel, but never to join.

My mother has a remedy for me, don't worry about anyone else and just concentrate on myself. It's good advice. If only i could really take it to heart. *shrug*

Wow... this entry has gone on long enough... and i have to get to work... well... start working... Today I have to dispute roughly $6500 worth of credit card charges because someone lifted my card number and decided to take $700 taxi rides around the city... which ofcourse are not true. So i have to fill out that affidavit and stuff...

anyhow... later!

So...

despite my desire to laugh at difficult things, i have been super stressed lately.

I am stressed about losing some friends, i am stressed about not having a work project... and it's taking its toll on my system.

I have been trying to get through this, but it's irritating my IBS something fierce. I am tense, my mind races 50 miles a minute, and my medication doesn't seem to work more than on an anxiety scale of 0 - 10... it's keeping me hovering at a 7-8.

Hopefully... the weekend will help this out.

Other little revelations:

One of my new friends has HIV (and is having liver problems)
In the last 3 weeks, i have been stood up 12 times by 5 different people.

laughs

there isn't enough laughs in the world... with politics, drama, etc... its been one series of depressions after another.

We are definitely in need of more laughter in the world! So... if anyone talks to me, and i am "less than serious" just letting you know... i am decompressing...

DRAMA... why?

so... i have had people be causing unnecessary drama in my life lately. I don't have the energy to type it all out, but i want to know...

WHY? why do these people impose their mind games on others? Does this make them feel better about themselves? Do they just like imposing negative vibes on people whom they consider friends? what's the point?

All i know is, this past weekend i was pulled into the middle of a situation that had nothing to do with me, with people outside of my state, and including people i have never met before. I have to say, i am a little bitter from the experience, why the hell would any friend push me into the middle of something that has nothing to do with me, except the fact that i just so happen to know one of the people involved.

*shrug* i don't know... i just don't get it... and ya know... i don't think i want to. Normally i like to analyze people and their habits, over think about it, internalize it, blame it on myself, then move on to the next situation... but... i am just soooo over it, i don't care anymore...

!

I was just informed that our official dragoncon party count was 815... which was the second largest event at dragoncon officially.

that's not bad for being told we are doing this 2 days before it happened.

we were only surpassed by the World of Warcraft Party... (big shocker there)

if we were better prepared though... we could have easily toppled them!

Nobodies...

So... i was going to make this journal entry all about dragoncon... I will get to that in a bit, but i wanted to take a step in further self analysis...

I am a big fan of video games, especially ones with stories.

To date, my favorite game series is Square Enix' Kingdom Hearts. Its a series of stories about a boy Sora who meets up with Disney characters and defends the world verses the Heartless. Well... ofcourse it's more complicated than that... but it's a good story.

In Kingdom Hearts 2, the main bad guys, instead of being the heartless, are Nobodies. These people, according to the game, are the bodies of people who lose their heart to the heartless. (look up kingdom hearts 2 on wikipedia for further info)

They are the bad guys, but i am very sympathetic to their plight. Even though they clearly go about things the wrong way, all they are looking to do, is exist. Even though people can see them, feel them, touch them, be hurt by them, etc.. they do not exist. Essentially, they do everything they can to make themselves real.

I empathize with them, because, i consider myself walking along the same path. I do everything i can, to make people like me, to exist in the world where people actually regard me as a real person. Rather than cause a genocide of heart stealing with fun disney villains, i do it by extending myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and too often financially, to make people realize that i exist. Quite often, no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try, what feats i pull, to some, i still don't exist.

I put this in my dragoncon post, because, well, this weekend, I was treated like a no-body by people who should have treated me differently. People for whom, i was responsible for taking to dragoncon, (because they couldn't afford tickets themselves) treated me like a nobody. Regarded me when i was helping them, but once i was out of sight, i was also out of mind.

It got to the point, where i was being so dis-regarded for my feelings, that I was asked to sleep on the floor. Well... in all honesty, i wasn't asked... it was suggested that someone take my sleeping space and to find another. These people that suggested it, didn't put up any money, nor regard my feelings. I was treated like a nobody and it hurt.

When i didn't give up my spot... as I paid for half of the room, i felt i deserved a space on a bed, and NOT on the floor, nor did i feel it right to displace someone else... apparently, there was a lot of crying, how unfair it was that someone had to sleep on the floor, because, well... i was in the bed... Now granted... the bed wasn't that big... but it wasn't like i was sleeping in the middle of it... they could have just as easily both climbed into bed as i went all the way to the edge. I just didn't feel right about sleeping on the floor, to serve the whim of people, that I helped get there, have bought presents for, and was not asked to attend any events they attended.

In the end, the bed incident, which i thought would be minor, ended up being bigger than i thought to some. One person, decided not to go to sleep at all out of stubbornness, and the other person, who just was in to crash, took her spot on the bed, and i stayed on my designated sleeping spot. I woke up feeling awkward, kinda ashamed at the strife i apparently caused, but... i knew that i was in the right, and damnit... no-one went through any special trouble to make sure i was having a good time, so why should i give up my sleeping spot that i paid for...

My lesson learned, for that little event, is if i am going to be treated like a no-body, perhaps i should act like a nobody to those people and not try so hard to be a somebody. Afterall, no-bodies don't really have feelings. They don't exist...

That all being said, and un-necessary drama thrown aside. I had a very pleasant weekend. I got to hang out with my friends, spoke to some celebrities,looked at some truely awesome and lame costumes, laughed a lot, and helped throw a party in which 850 people showed up. (yes... 8 5 0...!) I didn't do everything i planned or wanted to do, but hey... it's dragoncon. I go to hang out with my fellow freaks and geeks! which is what it's all about! Also, i did all of this and only took 1 lorazepam the whole weekend...! (i NORMALLY take 4 - 10 depending on how i am feeling throughout the course of the convention)

Next time though, assuming there will be a next dragoncon... i will NOT make the same mistakes. Of that, I am certain!