OMG... what a messed up in the head teenager i was... for the love of everything holy and unholy... i was reading the rest of my journal...
1. I am suprised I am still alive based on the stuff i was writing back then... WTF was i thinking?
2. i don't remember writing these passages down.. but i do believe it was based on more of "what i was feeling" rather than what I was thinking or what actually happened... I asked some guy in australia to marry me? after 3 weeks of talking online? and he said YES!? it even wrote down his name... anyone who would have read this would have instantly said "this kid didn't make it to 20"
3. i think it does enlighten me as to why i am soooo messed up now a days when it comes to relationships... all of my development has been online... and I can remember the strong feelings I had... the feelings were all real...
4. I wrote about my first sexual encounter... OMG... how i romanticized that trailer trash guy... Loser from no-where... it's pretty graphic... definately rated R... but damn... i was really messed up in the head when i wrote it... i guess a first sexual encounter will do that to you...
5. I think i am WAY too emotional... even now... i get so emotionally invested... it's just not healthy... for me or anyone else!!!!!
i was thinking i should record those memories... but... now i am thinking... perhaps it's better that those "memories" (which i have obviously forgotten about) get washed away with the flood!
btw... my first real sexual counter... June 22 1997. (2 days after my mom's bday and 1 day after my parent's anniversary...)
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The flood
I am taking a little break from cleaning... which is truely one of my least favorite activities, to talk a little bit about what happened.
it was around 4:30ish yesterday when I was talking to my mom on the phone. I hung up the phone and decided to get some dinner... that's when i turned around and noticed that... there is water behind me. (the floor is kinda uneven) I immediately went to turn off everything and unplug it and try to get stuff up off the floor!!!!!!
I traced the water from the bathroom all of the way to the front. The first thing i went for was the windows... I knew it was raining and was pretty bad yesterday. and I leave the windows open so I can regulate the heat in my place that i can't turn off!!!
Both window ledges were dry... i went into the bathroom... and saw no leaks... and so I went to the front door...
now... my apartment is 5 steps down, so it's a basement level apartment. you go down steps and get to an iron gate, that gate will lead to a door which leads into the hallway, all concrete, etc... off that hallway, about 1 1/2 inches up... is my door. (very close to the outside door.)
I opened the front door and saw the whole hallway was flooded... but it didn't quite seem to be up to my door yet. (ultimately this wasn't good)
So I called the landlord... who was in florida (i didn't know that at the time...) and he said he would call the fire department and get someone over here...
30 minutes go by and i am literally taking 2 chinese takeout soup containers and scooping up water from the kitchen floor, which is getting worse and worse by the minute, and throwing it in the sink. I called the landlord again, and his wife picked up the phone and mentioned to me that they were going to a very important function... (i was thinking... oh... i'm sorry... i will just go back to SWIMMING IN MY APARTMENT YOU BIATCH!!!!!!!) but i said I understood. She told me to call 911, but that the whole city was flooded. In about 15 minutes... the fire department was here and found the source of the flooding.
One of the pumps that pump water from that main area had become dislodged from it's exit pipe and was spewing water on the floor. They fixed the problem, but apparently, they had no pumps or anything to get the water out of my apartment... WTF... So they leave... at least there is no more water coming in...
so i get a knock on the door. It's the maintenence guy coming to help out with his assistant. They come in and help me clean up most of the water. and then they go check the pumps... so... i am sitting in my place... getting most of the stuff up off the floor that i could and wiping the rest of the water... when my friend Ju Ow comes in... She looks around and tells me what a hot mess... and brings me icecream. (which i put in the freezer)
All of a sudden, as we are going through a couple things... i notice more water coming in from the back... WTF... everything is flooding all over again!!!!
At this point... i have low bloodsugar from not eating anything since 11:30 (it's now 9pm and i am a little depressed) plus... more water coming in just means more problems... i can't fix it and scooping it up is not going to help...
the two maintenence people are still here, but they are fighting the rest of the flood... apparently there are 3 pumps in the building... 2 of which, decided to go bad... so water was coming in from the bathroom...
Eventually...that night... the pumps were fixed and the water receded... I cleaned up the rest of the stuff... Ju had gone home an hour or so ago and I was just left by myself sopping up the water.
Things I lost (so far):
Area rug my mom picked out for me from my atlanta apartment... I trashed it
Photos of me and my ex from a cruise we went on.
Black and white photos of me and my parents/brothers
about 15 books of various natures (some were gifts from other people for when i moved to atlanta)
about 10 decks of tarot cards
a pack of gipsy witch fortune cards my grandmother gave me from the 1950s.
my work blackberry (YAY)
2 cell phones (one BRAND NEW ONE still works, but the screen sensitivity has SEVERELY DECREASED.)
a 2TB harddrive
an older computer which i had as a backup server
old notebooks from college
various computer equipment
a couple game cartridges
and an hour of time (DUE TO FRIGGING DAYLIGHTS SAVINGS)
I am sure there is more i am missing..., but that's about it for now...
I went out and got a bunch of cleaning supplies for the floor, lysol to try and get rid of microbes and mold and spores... a wet vac for any surprises later, and a de-humidifier... i hate cleaning... i hate water being where it's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE!
I'm just glad i was here to make that call... if i didn't call anyone... i would have lost EVERYTHING due to an electrical fire probably, as i wouldn't have been here to get things up... and how nice would that have been... coming home to a foot of water at home... that would have been a nice surprise.
I should count myself lucky-ish though... some people have had their cars float away.... the water was sooo bad.
it was around 4:30ish yesterday when I was talking to my mom on the phone. I hung up the phone and decided to get some dinner... that's when i turned around and noticed that... there is water behind me. (the floor is kinda uneven) I immediately went to turn off everything and unplug it and try to get stuff up off the floor!!!!!!
I traced the water from the bathroom all of the way to the front. The first thing i went for was the windows... I knew it was raining and was pretty bad yesterday. and I leave the windows open so I can regulate the heat in my place that i can't turn off!!!
Both window ledges were dry... i went into the bathroom... and saw no leaks... and so I went to the front door...
now... my apartment is 5 steps down, so it's a basement level apartment. you go down steps and get to an iron gate, that gate will lead to a door which leads into the hallway, all concrete, etc... off that hallway, about 1 1/2 inches up... is my door. (very close to the outside door.)
I opened the front door and saw the whole hallway was flooded... but it didn't quite seem to be up to my door yet. (ultimately this wasn't good)
So I called the landlord... who was in florida (i didn't know that at the time...) and he said he would call the fire department and get someone over here...
30 minutes go by and i am literally taking 2 chinese takeout soup containers and scooping up water from the kitchen floor, which is getting worse and worse by the minute, and throwing it in the sink. I called the landlord again, and his wife picked up the phone and mentioned to me that they were going to a very important function... (i was thinking... oh... i'm sorry... i will just go back to SWIMMING IN MY APARTMENT YOU BIATCH!!!!!!!) but i said I understood. She told me to call 911, but that the whole city was flooded. In about 15 minutes... the fire department was here and found the source of the flooding.
One of the pumps that pump water from that main area had become dislodged from it's exit pipe and was spewing water on the floor. They fixed the problem, but apparently, they had no pumps or anything to get the water out of my apartment... WTF... So they leave... at least there is no more water coming in...
so i get a knock on the door. It's the maintenence guy coming to help out with his assistant. They come in and help me clean up most of the water. and then they go check the pumps... so... i am sitting in my place... getting most of the stuff up off the floor that i could and wiping the rest of the water... when my friend Ju Ow comes in... She looks around and tells me what a hot mess... and brings me icecream. (which i put in the freezer)
All of a sudden, as we are going through a couple things... i notice more water coming in from the back... WTF... everything is flooding all over again!!!!
At this point... i have low bloodsugar from not eating anything since 11:30 (it's now 9pm and i am a little depressed) plus... more water coming in just means more problems... i can't fix it and scooping it up is not going to help...
the two maintenence people are still here, but they are fighting the rest of the flood... apparently there are 3 pumps in the building... 2 of which, decided to go bad... so water was coming in from the bathroom...
Eventually...that night... the pumps were fixed and the water receded... I cleaned up the rest of the stuff... Ju had gone home an hour or so ago and I was just left by myself sopping up the water.
Things I lost (so far):
Area rug my mom picked out for me from my atlanta apartment... I trashed it
Photos of me and my ex from a cruise we went on.
Black and white photos of me and my parents/brothers
about 15 books of various natures (some were gifts from other people for when i moved to atlanta)
about 10 decks of tarot cards
a pack of gipsy witch fortune cards my grandmother gave me from the 1950s.
my work blackberry (YAY)
2 cell phones (one BRAND NEW ONE still works, but the screen sensitivity has SEVERELY DECREASED.)
a 2TB harddrive
an older computer which i had as a backup server
old notebooks from college
various computer equipment
a couple game cartridges
and an hour of time (DUE TO FRIGGING DAYLIGHTS SAVINGS)
I am sure there is more i am missing..., but that's about it for now...
I went out and got a bunch of cleaning supplies for the floor, lysol to try and get rid of microbes and mold and spores... a wet vac for any surprises later, and a de-humidifier... i hate cleaning... i hate water being where it's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE!
I'm just glad i was here to make that call... if i didn't call anyone... i would have lost EVERYTHING due to an electrical fire probably, as i wouldn't have been here to get things up... and how nice would that have been... coming home to a foot of water at home... that would have been a nice surprise.
I should count myself lucky-ish though... some people have had their cars float away.... the water was sooo bad.
Almost lost in flood 1
I had a flood in my apartment... 1 inch of water everywhere... i had a lot of things that were both valuable, and sentimental lost... this is from a waterlogged Diary i apparently kept (though i don't remember)... the pages are now barely readable... but i thought... perhaps i should try to digitize them.
These are those entries word for word (including spelling mistakes) (Names however... HAVE been omitted)
Up until August 1995
Finding yourself is hard when your not sure that you like what you find. My freshman year in high school I knew something was up when I found myself not intimidated at all to take showers in gym class. Most guys were embarassed I was always the first one in and the first out. I also found myself looking at the other guys, not staring, but just looking, not even arousal just looking, kinda funny to see who his and whom didn't. all of the jocks hid, Br Ha, Mi Fr, Br Mi, while the rest of us normal guys didn't care.
I was never interested in sex in middle school or highschool. I was worried all of my "friends" knew all the "lingo" and were de-virginized by 9th grade, all except me. Even the nerds didn't. My old acting rival Br Fe got de-virginized in 7th grade. 7TH GRADE! so the story goes anyway, I was not afraid, I had no lustful feelings for any sex, male of female, plus i was never popular, which made me feel even more secure.
in 8th grade I had my first girlfriend, quite remarkable... two girls were fighting over "the new kid that plays the trombone" The more I refused the more they lusted, Am Ba, and La Sh were the two band girls. La was a bit pudgy, Am was notorious. Neither of them appealed to my "love sence" so I would always back away. I finally caved in one day and submitted to Am, she expected kisses and sex, I expected a more in-depth friendship, kinda wierd huh, we went out for a week, I had my first kiss during that week, I kissed amy on the cheek. Not really a kiss, but at the time, it seemed forbidden. I was dumped after a week, her reason, lack of satisfaction. I was crushed... and all of the way through my first year of college, she was the only girl i kissed. not including family and "close" friends.
In highschool, later on, I was girlfriend less. But I noticed that every time i jock would grab a nother guys' dick, I got aroused. Every time a jock beat off in the classroom, Br De, I would get antsy waiting for class to be over so I could get away from the site. I hated Spanish II because De always used to sit next to me while "enjoying himself" every day. Even when he whipped it out for another jock to touch, I dwelled on that for days, wishing i was a jock.
I had most of the "gay stereo typical behaviors or traits" through my whole life. I was an actor and musician. I hated sports and I didn't have a girl. I was acused of being gay many times, but always barked back, give me proof. I didn't talk, walk, act, or give anyone real reason to think like that. Besides, most of the accusisations came from the jocks who always went around touching each other all the time. Hmm...
Lets talk college, college is where normal kids "find themselves, I already new I was more mature and different. No parents to hold me back, new friends to be made, a lot more freedom. I was released from any highschool pressures of public masterbation because i didn't see any. Plus I was on a religious crusade in the cafeteria against the born again christians. whom still have yet to convince me they're right. So when did I truly find myself... Through my computer and AOL. They have multiple chat rooms in which other Gay people hang out in. It was there I met Andy0690 who turned me on and called me up. I had to watch my room mate constantly to make sure he didn't see anything. but he walked in on me a couple times. from AOL people kept in touch, and were sending me naked pictures of themselves. I thought yeah right... these aren't really them. Till that one fateful day in Cape May when Mdr_017 / ricky came to life and found me playing my recorder on the beach. The piper1 was caught and I didn't know what to do. I never sent Ricky a picture so he didn't know what I looked like, plus he had a bunch of friends, he was hot, but I was careful... On AOL I ordered gifs and always talked to people... Than I had to turn it off to come home... But I found new gay out lets in the internet at work IRC and Netscape opened a bigger world in which I could openly explore and try new things under the name archangel! I was there I found really good friends and it was also there that intolerance, the thing I am set against, reared its ugly face and I was called a fuckin' faggot for the first time. Things fell into place and I played my last straight card in highschool with the senior prom. I knew what I was, now I had to face it.
What do you say to a mother that says "I hope you're not turning faggot on me," a broher that says "I just wouldn't associate with you anymore" and a father that says,"I would be truely dissappointed!!" These things make it hard to let my feelings out! I can't even let on that I might be gay. Seriousl Suicide has crossed my mind many times. There was no-one to confide in. Up until August 95, the only people who know are Ho Gr, Ra St, Ca Mc, To Pa and TJ Lo. All females. They seem to keep secrets better and this isn't one to be let out. scared doesn't even come close to what I go through every day thinking that I could slip at any given time. The people listed above are the only ones I can confide in and I see none of them often. I just wish everyone would understand.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Commentaty
Wow... i was messed up!!! I have to say... I don't remember writing this, but it is my handwriting. so I must have.
That stuff... really did happen in highschool. perhaps not as often as I eluded to, however, it did happen. My nemesis, wasn't really a nemesis, he was more like who i, in my mind, most competed with, whether he felt the same or not...
I do remember coming out to only girls, and this entry was obviously before i ever came out to my parents. I think back then, I imagined that my mom said the word faggot, because I don't ever remember her saying such things...
The AOL nicknames are no longer there... and the names were replaced with the first two letters of their first and last name, with the exception of the internet people, because i don't know if that was their real name.
I believe the date of this entry was August 6 1995, because the next entry was August 7th. I DO remember being very scared at first realization of being gay. I can tell that my thought and writing patterns were more, sporadic than they usually are, or perhaps just chalk it up to being younger... It did kill me to type in those spelling, grammar and punctuation marks... but I thought it would be best to try and preserve this little piece of psyche for myself.
I was kinda a messed up kid wasn't I?
These are those entries word for word (including spelling mistakes) (Names however... HAVE been omitted)
Up until August 1995
Finding yourself is hard when your not sure that you like what you find. My freshman year in high school I knew something was up when I found myself not intimidated at all to take showers in gym class. Most guys were embarassed I was always the first one in and the first out. I also found myself looking at the other guys, not staring, but just looking, not even arousal just looking, kinda funny to see who his and whom didn't. all of the jocks hid, Br Ha, Mi Fr, Br Mi, while the rest of us normal guys didn't care.
I was never interested in sex in middle school or highschool. I was worried all of my "friends" knew all the "lingo" and were de-virginized by 9th grade, all except me. Even the nerds didn't. My old acting rival Br Fe got de-virginized in 7th grade. 7TH GRADE! so the story goes anyway, I was not afraid, I had no lustful feelings for any sex, male of female, plus i was never popular, which made me feel even more secure.
in 8th grade I had my first girlfriend, quite remarkable... two girls were fighting over "the new kid that plays the trombone" The more I refused the more they lusted, Am Ba, and La Sh were the two band girls. La was a bit pudgy, Am was notorious. Neither of them appealed to my "love sence" so I would always back away. I finally caved in one day and submitted to Am, she expected kisses and sex, I expected a more in-depth friendship, kinda wierd huh, we went out for a week, I had my first kiss during that week, I kissed amy on the cheek. Not really a kiss, but at the time, it seemed forbidden. I was dumped after a week, her reason, lack of satisfaction. I was crushed... and all of the way through my first year of college, she was the only girl i kissed. not including family and "close" friends.
In highschool, later on, I was girlfriend less. But I noticed that every time i jock would grab a nother guys' dick, I got aroused. Every time a jock beat off in the classroom, Br De, I would get antsy waiting for class to be over so I could get away from the site. I hated Spanish II because De always used to sit next to me while "enjoying himself" every day. Even when he whipped it out for another jock to touch, I dwelled on that for days, wishing i was a jock.
I had most of the "gay stereo typical behaviors or traits" through my whole life. I was an actor and musician. I hated sports and I didn't have a girl. I was acused of being gay many times, but always barked back, give me proof. I didn't talk, walk, act, or give anyone real reason to think like that. Besides, most of the accusisations came from the jocks who always went around touching each other all the time. Hmm...
Lets talk college, college is where normal kids "find themselves, I already new I was more mature and different. No parents to hold me back, new friends to be made, a lot more freedom. I was released from any highschool pressures of public masterbation because i didn't see any. Plus I was on a religious crusade in the cafeteria against the born again christians. whom still have yet to convince me they're right. So when did I truly find myself... Through my computer and AOL. They have multiple chat rooms in which other Gay people hang out in. It was there I met Andy0690 who turned me on and called me up. I had to watch my room mate constantly to make sure he didn't see anything. but he walked in on me a couple times. from AOL people kept in touch, and were sending me naked pictures of themselves. I thought yeah right... these aren't really them. Till that one fateful day in Cape May when Mdr_017 / ricky came to life and found me playing my recorder on the beach. The piper1 was caught and I didn't know what to do. I never sent Ricky a picture so he didn't know what I looked like, plus he had a bunch of friends, he was hot, but I was careful... On AOL I ordered gifs and always talked to people... Than I had to turn it off to come home... But I found new gay out lets in the internet at work IRC and Netscape opened a bigger world in which I could openly explore and try new things under the name archangel! I was there I found really good friends and it was also there that intolerance, the thing I am set against, reared its ugly face and I was called a fuckin' faggot for the first time. Things fell into place and I played my last straight card in highschool with the senior prom. I knew what I was, now I had to face it.
What do you say to a mother that says "I hope you're not turning faggot on me," a broher that says "I just wouldn't associate with you anymore" and a father that says,"I would be truely dissappointed!!" These things make it hard to let my feelings out! I can't even let on that I might be gay. Seriousl Suicide has crossed my mind many times. There was no-one to confide in. Up until August 95, the only people who know are Ho Gr, Ra St, Ca Mc, To Pa and TJ Lo. All females. They seem to keep secrets better and this isn't one to be let out. scared doesn't even come close to what I go through every day thinking that I could slip at any given time. The people listed above are the only ones I can confide in and I see none of them often. I just wish everyone would understand.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Commentaty
Wow... i was messed up!!! I have to say... I don't remember writing this, but it is my handwriting. so I must have.
That stuff... really did happen in highschool. perhaps not as often as I eluded to, however, it did happen. My nemesis, wasn't really a nemesis, he was more like who i, in my mind, most competed with, whether he felt the same or not...
I do remember coming out to only girls, and this entry was obviously before i ever came out to my parents. I think back then, I imagined that my mom said the word faggot, because I don't ever remember her saying such things...
The AOL nicknames are no longer there... and the names were replaced with the first two letters of their first and last name, with the exception of the internet people, because i don't know if that was their real name.
I believe the date of this entry was August 6 1995, because the next entry was August 7th. I DO remember being very scared at first realization of being gay. I can tell that my thought and writing patterns were more, sporadic than they usually are, or perhaps just chalk it up to being younger... It did kill me to type in those spelling, grammar and punctuation marks... but I thought it would be best to try and preserve this little piece of psyche for myself.
I was kinda a messed up kid wasn't I?
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