Last night, while driving to philly, after all of the things going on in my life, I had a panic attack. I haven't had one in a long time, and it was NOT a welcome reunion.
I don't know if it was that i didn't have anything in my stomach, an uncertain future, looming tax season (this one promises to be disastrous), increased weight (yeah... that's always fun) or just the fact i was driving (not something i enjoy doing) but i had a complete breakdown where i couldn't stop shaking.
I pulled over to the side of the turnpike, rolled down the windows (yes... it was FREEZING COLD) and started to heavy breathe/meditate in order to quell the feelings.
In the trying to calm myself down, i had an overwhelming feeling that my entire life is a failure. There is no stability in it, and what really got me, hit me out of no-where, is that while i have lots of love for friends and family, no real romantic love. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. etc...
I don't know why that decided to pop in, but it did and i hated it. in truth, it made me start to cry, which is not necessarily good for the whole "calming down" thing.
My panic attack lasted roughly 20 minutes in total, which seamed like 2 hours in reality, and then i finished driving home. Not listening to any music, radio, or anything. I had the vent on to pull the cold air from outside to keep the air flowing and keep me cold (always seems to help in a panic attack for some reason)
On the rest of my trip... a name kept popping into my head, as someone, who should could be the one to solve my love crisis, there are complications ofcourse, because he is in atlanta, and i am in NJ. something tells me i will be seeing him again, but, if i am being honest with myself. I don't think it will happen.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
broken promises
i wasn't going to write this down... but one of my friends suggested i do so, so here i am.
i moved up to NJ, relocated my entire life for a promise. a promise that if i moved up here, the company that i am consulting with was going to hire me on full time, warranting my whole move.
Up until yesterday, I know for a fact, that was the intention of my boss. But through a conversation that kinda turned the way of my employment, it was blurted out that, infact, while he still would like to hire me, he was more or less told no from his superiors. The company is on a hiring freeze and all headcount that was planned for this year, has infact been pulled.
I have been through this exact situation before, with the exception of having to move my whole life. I was living with my parents at the time and the company was a major pharmaceutical corp. who said they would love to hire me, but, never got around to it. my time was limited there and it caused me to look for a job, which eventually, moved me to atlanta. that wasn't a bad move, but it's not a move that, at the time, i would have taken. (i do NOT regret that move)
so now, it's resume time again, I have to get my ducks in a row and get moving to find another job. While i was told my contract would most likely be extended for a couple months, it's life getting a 3 month notice on your job. I could let the time slip by, or try to do something in the mean time....
also... on the subject of broken promises, but in a different vane, i have had contact with several people lately, who have been courting me online, who have dropped off the face of the earth. If you read the previous posts in this blog, you know that is my biggest pet peeve!
As i get older, i find myself getting more cynical of these people and just not caring. I should know better than to trust anyone online. and i don't trust them persay, but i am certainly not as amiable to them anymore... I guess with old age comes bitterness, though some might call it wisdom and experience. I do not want to be a jaded old queen like SO MANY OTHERS i know.
i moved up to NJ, relocated my entire life for a promise. a promise that if i moved up here, the company that i am consulting with was going to hire me on full time, warranting my whole move.
Up until yesterday, I know for a fact, that was the intention of my boss. But through a conversation that kinda turned the way of my employment, it was blurted out that, infact, while he still would like to hire me, he was more or less told no from his superiors. The company is on a hiring freeze and all headcount that was planned for this year, has infact been pulled.
I have been through this exact situation before, with the exception of having to move my whole life. I was living with my parents at the time and the company was a major pharmaceutical corp. who said they would love to hire me, but, never got around to it. my time was limited there and it caused me to look for a job, which eventually, moved me to atlanta. that wasn't a bad move, but it's not a move that, at the time, i would have taken. (i do NOT regret that move)
so now, it's resume time again, I have to get my ducks in a row and get moving to find another job. While i was told my contract would most likely be extended for a couple months, it's life getting a 3 month notice on your job. I could let the time slip by, or try to do something in the mean time....
also... on the subject of broken promises, but in a different vane, i have had contact with several people lately, who have been courting me online, who have dropped off the face of the earth. If you read the previous posts in this blog, you know that is my biggest pet peeve!
As i get older, i find myself getting more cynical of these people and just not caring. I should know better than to trust anyone online. and i don't trust them persay, but i am certainly not as amiable to them anymore... I guess with old age comes bitterness, though some might call it wisdom and experience. I do not want to be a jaded old queen like SO MANY OTHERS i know.
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