updates

Well... it's been a while since i commented on anything... so here i am to give the updates...

1. My mom is coming down to visit... now... normally this wouldn't be news worthy, execept that it will be 3 years since she has been here... I am doing spring cleaning in her honor... and trying to get rid of a lot of junk i have accumulated over the years...

2. One of my very good friends was put in jail for something infinitesmally stupid and not even illegal... it's a long story of which i cannot really talk about... but it makes me very upset.

3. My current job's contract with me is running out... NEXT WEEK!!!! i am a bit worried... i keep dropping the hints that i would like to be renewed... but they keep giving me mixed signals as to whether i will or not...

4. On the job front... i have been iterviewing for a temp-to-perm job out of NYC... it's a japanese pharmaeutical company and it's a position i would be perfct for. When i was originally told about the position, i was told it was something i could do from home... be dial in support... but after the first phone interview, I was told that it is a local position... so i would have to move...

this brings up several... issues... i am not ready to move... while i would love this job... i don't know or feel i am ready to move from atlanta yet... i would severely miss my friends, my place, etc... and moving to the area around NYC is going to be a HUGE change... i am highly conflicted... but no-one else is knocking on my door to give any options... so i might have to move...

oh... did i forget to mention that if i get the job... i will be moving next month? yeah... fun times..

5. i recently joined, what promises to be a cool company... it has a lot of cool pieces about it and has the potential to make lots of money... but not immediately... so... ya know... gotta still keep looking for work....

6. I like this guy... but i don't think he likes me as much as i like him... he's always busy though, so it's difficult to tell if i am getting the cold shoulder, or he's just too busy... he keeps apologizing for how busy he is... i guess that's a positive sign... i am just conflicted... ya know...

lately

i have been feeling pretty lonely lately. i am not quite sure why... well... i know logially WHY i am lonely... but not sure why i have been feeling it more than usual.

I have been trying to get people interested in dating me, but most everyone i approach starts out interested, but ends up aloof. I don't know whether it's because i am trying to put myself out there?

I have gotten into a bad habit lately... going onto dating/hookup sites and browsing profiles, but not sending messages out. I wait till someone sends me a message. My way of thinking is that if they send me a message... they are interested... somewhat... but... the pattern of indifference seems to develop after chatting a little bit. not sure why...

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on a different note... i noticed that my memory seems to be slipping lately. I have been haing issues getting my words out and problems remembering simple things... I don't know what's happening... but i don't like it.

i like people... i really do...

but sometimes...they annoy the hell out of me...

So... my social life has undergone some changes... what i thought were for the better... but it seems to be just more of the same. I have been trying to meet and date people... really... i have!!!

admittedly, most of them (though not all) originate from online... they all have one thing in common... a fatal flaw...

now... mind you... i am no big prize... but the people i have run into lately are either...

1. literally retarded (not very good at english comprehension)
2. liars up front... (and not good ones either...)
3. are very far away (over 5 hours driving distance... and they want to come over and stay on the first meeting)
4. critically infected with FFFS...

i keep thinkin this whole online thing is just a bad idea anymore... and some of my friends feel the same way... but i have met some really nice people online... i really have... and when i bring this fact up to them (who i met online who says the online thing is not good) i keep getting the response "I am the exception"

everyone says that... to the point where the bad online thing is not the rule anymore because there are tooooo many exceptions...

so where to go? bars... clubs?... i don't know... people suggest that i go join a community organization or professional org... i looked into that... but when i am doing some sort of community service... i concentrate on the service... not the people around me... and it's a time committment...

WTF... i am putting up walls where there shouldn't be... i guess i am used to doing that so much it becomes innate...

There is a guy i like... but... he is showing mostly disinterest... i say mostly... because he does display small hints of being interested... but when i go with his queue... he pulls back... i don't know... maybe he's not looking for anything...


ya know... on second thought... people suck... and not in the good way...

ugh

so... tonight has not been what i would consider a "good night"

the day did start off fine..went to work... left a little early because i worked through lunch... Things were going relatively well. And... i was gonna have a date tonight!!!!

Well... i kinda did notice it being a little odd when my date hadn't shown up online at all today... i know he's busy, but that is a little unusual. Yesterday he left work early to go home because he had a bad headache...

he knows i get off work at 4... he was gonna come over... we were gonna go have dinner, then come back to my place and watch movies... just try and keep it low key. We never set a time... but i figured when he was done at the office, he would swing by as he only works like 15 blocks from my place...

4:00pm... 5:00pm... 6:00pm....

nothing... so i gave him a call... no answer... but i decided to leave a voicemail to say... hey... just wanted to see if we were still on for tonight... i hope everything is good... talk to ya soon...

around 6:30ish i get a text saying he has been in bed all day and could he take a raincheck... i, ofcourse said sure... and asked him if he needs anything... he said he just needed rest and that was that...

i ordered chinese...

after eating chinese... i was feeling a little extra bloated.. when i got an IM from someoe i have been talking to for over a year now... from Tennessee... he was in atlanta and wanted to know how my date went...

i told him my date was sick... and i was by myself... he mentioned that he was in atlanta and now would be a good opportunity to see me if i wanted... just as an FYI here... he has wanted to see me for quite some time... and... well... ya know... we will leave it at that...

my stomach was bad... and i really wasn't in the mood... but i thought... well... okay... so i talked him through how to get here... despite the fact that he passed my exit...

he came up... we chilled for a moment... offered him a drink and he said he was fine... at this point... my stomach... was just NOT cooperating at all and i had to use the facilities... i told him i would be right back and set him up with the TV...

now... normally i am gone like 20 min... but this was only 5 or so minutes... i came out and he was watchin TV and he was kinda quiet... so... i started talking to him... how ya doin? how was your friend (that he visited before me) can i get you anything... he was kinda quiet...

so i decided to open up a little more... i said "so... am i what you expected?" he said... not really with a slight cringe to his face... so I asked him if he was dissappointed... he said a little bit... so... i was like... okay... what's on your mind? (after like a 3 minute pause) he's like... nothing...

i proceeded to mention, i am an adult and he can tell me... he mentioned that he didn't really want to talk... seeing that he was getting uncomfortable, i did say... please don't feel like you have to stay if you're uncomfortable... to which he replied... I am comfortable... there is no problem...

so i was like... what would you like to do? he had mentioned to me before that he wanted new pics taken of him... so i asked about that, and he said no... he's fine...

another 5 minutes went by... i was like... so... what would you like to talk about... and without warning he was like... i don't really want to talk... he got up and STORMED OUT!

not wanting to chase him down the hall and create a spectacle... i called his phone, no answer... so i sent him 2 text messages... "please don't leave like this" and "i'm sorry for what i did" (i know i didn't do anything wrong... but i mean... we were chatting online for over a year... what was i to do... throw away a friendship because i wanted to talk...

he responded to my texts saying... "too late, im out of th gate"

to which i responded "you turned around once... you can do it again"

4 minutes went by... at this point... my stomach was bad... my heart was racing.. i was on the verge of an anxiety attack for the sheer swiftness that everything happened + my stomach... and i was just upset... so... i sent another text...

"fine... apparently you don't want to be friends... please don't bother contacting me anymore" (this is very A-Typical of me... but i was just fed up)

he replied... and this is a quote:

"Dont worry i will lose everything that i have of u. No gets of to talk if i dont want to talk."

That... i thought, would be the end of that... but i get a call 3 minutes later as i am telling the concierge downstairs what just happened...

I debated whether to answer it or not... but i thought... why not...

he said he thought it was hysterical that i told him he could go... then i told him not to...

I made it a point to clarify... "i was not not concerned that you left... it's HOW you left that concerned me... You left all mad and pissed and i wanted a chance to fix those emotions before you left... I didn't think you should leave mad after chatting for over a year"

he mentioned something about he didn't want to talk and i kept forcing him... I was like... okay, okay, okay, okay, okay (to his rant) and then i said... well... be safe driving down to your sister's... take care... to which he said ok... and hung up the phone... i then proceeded to delete him from my lists... except from my phone.. because if he calls... i wanna know it's him.


ofcourse... on top of this all... my colon was going to explode... so i rushed back up to take care of business....





now... i am an analyst... i tried to figure out what happened tonight... here is my deductions:

1. when he saw me, i was NOT what expected to the negative... since i don't doctor my picture or anything... i guess he just thought i would be cuter and probably thinner in person... (i made NO illusions that i was ever something i was not) and he was dissappointed...

2. upon point 1... he didn't want to talk about anything and decided to keep his distance... so i decided to give him an out... which he first refused... if someone is uncomfortable in my place... i don't want them here... so... he probably just didn't want to stay at all... but tried not to be rude... (which didn't work... did it?)

3. i think... after chatting with me for over a year... and romanticizing how i would be... he put me on a pedistol i don't think anyone could have aspired to... which contributed to his dissappointment...


normally... i would be broken up about this all... but in all honesty... he too was a lot cuter in his pictures than he was in real life with his nasty assed-red necked teeth... and well... he lives in tennessee... so... ultimately... i don't care....

Moral of the story... (which i have followed for quite some time now actually):

never make any committments to ANYONE online WITHOUT meeting them first... HE... did not follow my advice... and look where it got him... oh well... another person with FFFS out of my hair...

on a side note... i have to get myself fixed up... i need to lose like... i don't know... 80 lbs... i am way too fat and ugly....



which brings me to the after effects from tonight... i am now VERY skiddish about meeting the date i was SUPPOSED to hav tonight... as i feel, he will probably have the same reaction... I know it's just my paranoia... but still...