The world has been going a little crazy lately... I am finding that people around me are falling apart... most of the time through no fault of their own...
1. I was laid off... as anyone who reads this knows...
2. I have 2 friends who were kicked out of their living spaces through issues with their roomates...
3. A friend whos family has been torn apart by the fact that he's gay and wanted to bring his boyfriend to Thanksgiving
4. Another friend who is about to lose his job...
5. My cousin who just had a baby... (which is good) but the baby is currently going through Methodone withdrawl...
6. I have another friend who despite everything he is doing... cannot find a job at all
Now... none of these things that are happening, are within my span of control... yet, for most of the situations... i feel... as a friend... i have to do everything in my power to help everyone out...ofcourse... such a course of action, is difficult to say the least.
I took in one of my friends who lost his living situation, as a temporary situation... to help him get back on his feet and get his life together... because of that, I have big limitations on helping the other friend, who i feel extremely bad about and would like to help... unfortunately, i don't have a 10 bedroom house that i can let everyone live in...
I will do everything i can to help my friends find a job... but... i have to face facts that while the prospects look good, i do not have a job at this time... Such realizations are not fun to say the least...
I have... what my one friend refers to as Paladin Syndrome... another friend calls it a textbook case of co-dependancy...
I am wondering if this is all just some sort of test... To see if i can figure out who to help out, how to help out, what exactly to do... how far to stretch myself... and to see if i can come out on top... unfortunately... these are all answers i don't have yet... and I wish i knew what to do...
I truely feel bad for everyone, but realize... i have my own things to deal with... this certainly isn't an easy dilemma... and most of it isn't even mine...
sometimes i wish i could get a lobotomy and take away my feelings... life would be so much easier... though it's our feelings and compassions (for good or ill) that defines us...
If anyone has any suggestions... i am open...
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
as it stands
Well... as of today, I am officially unemployed. I turned in all of my CSC stuff yesterday and that was that. I have to say I wasn't very happy about the "transition" to come... but I will make due.
I filed yesterday for unemployment... but I found out online that the maximum benefit in georgia is $330/week... and you are taxed on that... $330/wk... i know that i am spoiled... I know this... but $330/wk isn't even enough to pay my mortgage...
I also felt bad at the unemployment office. Here i was... filling out my application and it asked me to put in my salary for my last job. Now... I was making good money... 6 figures... but when i went to put in my salary, it only had room for 5 digits... I kinda felt like a big ol' heel... but i wanted to make sure i filled it out right... so I went to the orientation lady and told her... "I feel really kinda bad for saying this... but... i tried to put in my current salary, and there wasn't enough numbers." She looked at me in a puzzling manner for a minute... then said "Just put all 9's"
So... here i am... jobless... but there is a light at the end of the tunnel... a small light... bu a light none the less. I was contacted by my old job and given an opportunity to go back there as a contractor. This is a 3 month contract, but it's a 3 month reprieve that I can look for a new full time job... There was an email from my old boss saying he might be able to hire me back full time as well...
now... i won't be fooled into making myself think that by the time i left i was happy there or anything... because i wasn't... but... i know the people, i know the problems, and its a check with benefits... so... i think i will take it... if fully offered.
I filed yesterday for unemployment... but I found out online that the maximum benefit in georgia is $330/week... and you are taxed on that... $330/wk... i know that i am spoiled... I know this... but $330/wk isn't even enough to pay my mortgage...
I also felt bad at the unemployment office. Here i was... filling out my application and it asked me to put in my salary for my last job. Now... I was making good money... 6 figures... but when i went to put in my salary, it only had room for 5 digits... I kinda felt like a big ol' heel... but i wanted to make sure i filled it out right... so I went to the orientation lady and told her... "I feel really kinda bad for saying this... but... i tried to put in my current salary, and there wasn't enough numbers." She looked at me in a puzzling manner for a minute... then said "Just put all 9's"
So... here i am... jobless... but there is a light at the end of the tunnel... a small light... bu a light none the less. I was contacted by my old job and given an opportunity to go back there as a contractor. This is a 3 month contract, but it's a 3 month reprieve that I can look for a new full time job... There was an email from my old boss saying he might be able to hire me back full time as well...
now... i won't be fooled into making myself think that by the time i left i was happy there or anything... because i wasn't... but... i know the people, i know the problems, and its a check with benefits... so... i think i will take it... if fully offered.
Monday, November 10, 2008
A New Week
Well... first off... let me tell you all about my weekend.
I went up to Philly to help shoot a movie. The movie is called "Looking For:" It's a short film that I wrote for my cousin. A comedy about dating...
All I have to say is... it was a blast!!!! The actors are great and I couldn't stop laughing throughout the shoot. It really was a blast!!!!! I also learned just how much work goes into shooting a film. But in the end, it's going to be an awesome film that's hysterical to watch!!!! All of the people, actors, production crew, assistants, makeup and costuming... EVERYONE is doing such an awesome job, I wish i was still there. Unfortunately, I have to be back in Atlanta.
Another thing that happened this weekend, that i was not particularly happy about, was a lie told about me to get my brother's girlfriend to a baby shower. He told her that they were going, because I was up for the weekend, (which i was) and that I was announcing my engagement to my boyfriend... Which, for no particular reason, really upset me. To me, it's kinda like a jinx... as if, i will probably not even get a date now that i am already supposed to be engaged... As irrational as that sounds, it just upset me, as everyone knows i have enough of a problem finding dates..
Anyway... enough of that... so here i am... staring down my "last" week of employment with my company. I am worried and anxious and will be all week. I have a lot of work to do... i just am really hoping i am not just spinning my wheels. I already heard from two leads... One in Cambridge Mass., the other in El Segundo California... both of which would require me to move, but i really don't want to move...
*sigh* i'm not writing anymore about this today... it's depressing... just wish me luck!
I went up to Philly to help shoot a movie. The movie is called "Looking For:" It's a short film that I wrote for my cousin. A comedy about dating...
All I have to say is... it was a blast!!!! The actors are great and I couldn't stop laughing throughout the shoot. It really was a blast!!!!! I also learned just how much work goes into shooting a film. But in the end, it's going to be an awesome film that's hysterical to watch!!!! All of the people, actors, production crew, assistants, makeup and costuming... EVERYONE is doing such an awesome job, I wish i was still there. Unfortunately, I have to be back in Atlanta.
Another thing that happened this weekend, that i was not particularly happy about, was a lie told about me to get my brother's girlfriend to a baby shower. He told her that they were going, because I was up for the weekend, (which i was) and that I was announcing my engagement to my boyfriend... Which, for no particular reason, really upset me. To me, it's kinda like a jinx... as if, i will probably not even get a date now that i am already supposed to be engaged... As irrational as that sounds, it just upset me, as everyone knows i have enough of a problem finding dates..
Anyway... enough of that... so here i am... staring down my "last" week of employment with my company. I am worried and anxious and will be all week. I have a lot of work to do... i just am really hoping i am not just spinning my wheels. I already heard from two leads... One in Cambridge Mass., the other in El Segundo California... both of which would require me to move, but i really don't want to move...
*sigh* i'm not writing anymore about this today... it's depressing... just wish me luck!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
tipping the scales
Life, as some of the great philosophers would say, is all about balance... So I see life as a great set of scales counter balancing each other...
My heavy scale, has always been my career. It has always created stability in my life and has kept me sane. (family, who has also kept me stable is a different set of scales)
but the one thing that has always been "light" in my scales and has seen more air time than most birds has been my social life.
Now, my social life, which really has not affected my job in the way of missing assignments or anything, has grown! I have friends, good friends that i have been seeing almost every day. meeting their friends and creating a social network. Now that my social life is getting bigger, perhaps the great balance is taking some karma from my social life...
I know this is a silly theory... that everything that's happening can be traced to live events and not some invisible force that touches everything. but... still if such a force exists... is that how it works? balance each other out? work and play... and since i have been "playing" more, i have less work? That would be very sad indeed!
My heavy scale, has always been my career. It has always created stability in my life and has kept me sane. (family, who has also kept me stable is a different set of scales)
but the one thing that has always been "light" in my scales and has seen more air time than most birds has been my social life.
Now, my social life, which really has not affected my job in the way of missing assignments or anything, has grown! I have friends, good friends that i have been seeing almost every day. meeting their friends and creating a social network. Now that my social life is getting bigger, perhaps the great balance is taking some karma from my social life...
I know this is a silly theory... that everything that's happening can be traced to live events and not some invisible force that touches everything. but... still if such a force exists... is that how it works? balance each other out? work and play... and since i have been "playing" more, i have less work? That would be very sad indeed!
not a good day
Elections aside... Today is not a good day...
i feel helpless. i was okay for the first part of the day, besides the rage about the election, but, with the lack of sleep, not a lot of food in my system (i don't have an appetite... though i am taking vitamins and such)
i can just feel myself slipping physically into depression. I am trying to snap myself out of it, but it's not doing any good... and I KNOW that depression will definately NOT help me in the time i need to be calm, cool and collected.
This... is definately not a fun time to be me.
i feel helpless. i was okay for the first part of the day, besides the rage about the election, but, with the lack of sleep, not a lot of food in my system (i don't have an appetite... though i am taking vitamins and such)
i can just feel myself slipping physically into depression. I am trying to snap myself out of it, but it's not doing any good... and I KNOW that depression will definately NOT help me in the time i need to be calm, cool and collected.
This... is definately not a fun time to be me.
poorly thought out, emotional response proposals
This is in response to the fact that gays cannot get married.
1. Since gay americans can get married, but not to those who they may love... I think that no-one should. Everyone being equal, I think that the Government should just arrange marriages between random people. This way... everyone would be treated equal. No-one can get married to whom they may love. Just, get married for the benefits (apparently, as gays want... because they can't feel love... right?)
2. Ban all marriages. Everyone should be equal... right? Convicted criminals who take lives can get married as long as they are heterosexual... right? So since everyone in this great country should be treated equal. No-one should be married. Right? Why segregate a section of the population. Give no-one the right to marriage.
3. Take away all benefits of marriage in government. If marriage is a religious institution, why do non-religious people, or single people who pay taxes support it? Religious institutions are not taxed... and since marriage is ultimately a religious ceremony, why is it recognized in the government? All men are created equal, so since the government should treat everyone equal. Since there is freedom of religion... let religious ceremonies happen, but don't reward them. We don't reward human sacrifice by giving death benefits to the killers... but hey... some religions mandate it. freedom of religion right?
4. Allow gay people (and single people) to be exempt from paying taxes. Since we don't have the same rights as married people, or the same benefits... why discriminate against a segment of the population. So... okay... compensate discrimination by giving people discriminated against a bone. Since we can not have rights in the government, and are second classed citizens... and don't really count in society, we shouldn't be taxed as if we are part of society.
5. OR... give all members of society the same rights. Give ALL of the people the right to marry whom they love and wish to spend their life with. Treat people equally and don't discriminate.
My feelings are... not to take rights away from anyone. but give those discriminated against, the same rights. Many groups in America have been oppressed at one point or another. African Americans were denied the right to vote. But it was seen as a social injustice (and rightfully so) and were given the right... And a group that has been oppressed with such injustice... in exit polls, African Americans voted 70% in favor of one man one woman (for statistics please see http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/results/polls/#CAI01p1 )
I remember the poem i learned in college sociology class:
When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I was not a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.
1. Since gay americans can get married, but not to those who they may love... I think that no-one should. Everyone being equal, I think that the Government should just arrange marriages between random people. This way... everyone would be treated equal. No-one can get married to whom they may love. Just, get married for the benefits (apparently, as gays want... because they can't feel love... right?)
2. Ban all marriages. Everyone should be equal... right? Convicted criminals who take lives can get married as long as they are heterosexual... right? So since everyone in this great country should be treated equal. No-one should be married. Right? Why segregate a section of the population. Give no-one the right to marriage.
3. Take away all benefits of marriage in government. If marriage is a religious institution, why do non-religious people, or single people who pay taxes support it? Religious institutions are not taxed... and since marriage is ultimately a religious ceremony, why is it recognized in the government? All men are created equal, so since the government should treat everyone equal. Since there is freedom of religion... let religious ceremonies happen, but don't reward them. We don't reward human sacrifice by giving death benefits to the killers... but hey... some religions mandate it. freedom of religion right?
4. Allow gay people (and single people) to be exempt from paying taxes. Since we don't have the same rights as married people, or the same benefits... why discriminate against a segment of the population. So... okay... compensate discrimination by giving people discriminated against a bone. Since we can not have rights in the government, and are second classed citizens... and don't really count in society, we shouldn't be taxed as if we are part of society.
5. OR... give all members of society the same rights. Give ALL of the people the right to marry whom they love and wish to spend their life with. Treat people equally and don't discriminate.
My feelings are... not to take rights away from anyone. but give those discriminated against, the same rights. Many groups in America have been oppressed at one point or another. African Americans were denied the right to vote. But it was seen as a social injustice (and rightfully so) and were given the right... And a group that has been oppressed with such injustice... in exit polls, African Americans voted 70% in favor of one man one woman (for statistics please see http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/results/polls/#CAI01p1 )
I remember the poem i learned in college sociology class:
When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I was not a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.
Election
Today, is not a good day for me in regards to the election.
I voted for change, I voted for, what I thought was the better candidate, I voted for Obama.
Why then, am I not happy and less than impressed with the election results on this historic election?
Because, I, as a gay man, was once again thrown under the bus. While people were talking about how change has happened, and that even an African American can be elected president. In 4 states, gays were shot down in everything from marriage to adoption. We are still second class citizens in an America that are no longer a part of the "civil rights movement"
In an election of change, some things have stayed the same. Gays are not treated fairly in America. We are not worth pure citizenship in America.
Mr President Elect... you say "Yes we can" well... what you really mean is "Yes your people can" but you tell my community... "No you can't"
No my friends... today is not a good day... While i am happy that there is a change in Washington DC... and a group that has been oppressed has taken a MAJOR, well deserved step forward. That same group, claiming civil rights victory, has helped perpetuate intolerance, homophobia, and has succeeded in re-enforcing that, not all people in America are "created equal"
Shame on you... all of you, who vote for injustice. Shame on the news who refuse to cover this event. Shame on everyone who claims this historic election of change to be complete victory.
I am not celebrating.
I voted for change, I voted for, what I thought was the better candidate, I voted for Obama.
Why then, am I not happy and less than impressed with the election results on this historic election?
Because, I, as a gay man, was once again thrown under the bus. While people were talking about how change has happened, and that even an African American can be elected president. In 4 states, gays were shot down in everything from marriage to adoption. We are still second class citizens in an America that are no longer a part of the "civil rights movement"
In an election of change, some things have stayed the same. Gays are not treated fairly in America. We are not worth pure citizenship in America.
Mr President Elect... you say "Yes we can" well... what you really mean is "Yes your people can" but you tell my community... "No you can't"
No my friends... today is not a good day... While i am happy that there is a change in Washington DC... and a group that has been oppressed has taken a MAJOR, well deserved step forward. That same group, claiming civil rights victory, has helped perpetuate intolerance, homophobia, and has succeeded in re-enforcing that, not all people in America are "created equal"
Shame on you... all of you, who vote for injustice. Shame on the news who refuse to cover this event. Shame on everyone who claims this historic election of change to be complete victory.
I am not celebrating.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
feelings:
i am feeling many emotions simultaneously!
happy i have friends that care
sad of the situation
panic of where my future is headed
determined to find something
maniacaly calculative to hatch schemes
hyper on looking and talking about my situation
tired and exhausted because i got no sleep and i just voted
lonely because i am by myself most of the day
caring because i have friends that still need my support
happy i have friends that care
sad of the situation
panic of where my future is headed
determined to find something
maniacaly calculative to hatch schemes
hyper on looking and talking about my situation
tired and exhausted because i got no sleep and i just voted
lonely because i am by myself most of the day
caring because i have friends that still need my support
Monday, November 3, 2008
Today, My world shattered a little
I got a call today around 5pm-ish from my boss at work. Normally, when he calls at all it's because he wants to check in and tell me about a new assignment i am going on.
This was different... his tone was different, and i put two and two together and made mud...
I have been given 2 weeks notice to figure something out and get on a project, or I am gone on Nov 14th.
I am panic stricken... I don't have much savings to begin with, and my mother yelled at me for that... but there is a real possibility that things in life may take a STRONG downwards turn that is definately not good.
My mom, despite yelling at me, is very supportive and is pretty sure I will land on my feet, I personally am not as confident.
I was on the verge of tears, and while I have calmed down enough to be able to write this entry, the depression and anxiety I feel are ever present... i was hungry tonight, but didn't bother to eat...
I am down, i feel like i need someone to come and hold me and tell me it's going to be better...
Despite the fact that i feel like an emotional wreck, i am "thinking" clearly and have started contacting all of my contacts i can think of.
The thing that really upsets me more than anythin else, is that, out of all of my friends, I have always been the most stable. Kinda the rock that ends up helping my friends in their times of hardship. As selfish as it is for me to want to continue this role, I just don't know what I am going to do moving forward. I am afraid that I will have to find a new job in another state, and have to move.
Ultimatey, I have to do what I HAVE to.
This was different... his tone was different, and i put two and two together and made mud...
I have been given 2 weeks notice to figure something out and get on a project, or I am gone on Nov 14th.
I am panic stricken... I don't have much savings to begin with, and my mother yelled at me for that... but there is a real possibility that things in life may take a STRONG downwards turn that is definately not good.
My mom, despite yelling at me, is very supportive and is pretty sure I will land on my feet, I personally am not as confident.
I was on the verge of tears, and while I have calmed down enough to be able to write this entry, the depression and anxiety I feel are ever present... i was hungry tonight, but didn't bother to eat...
I am down, i feel like i need someone to come and hold me and tell me it's going to be better...
Despite the fact that i feel like an emotional wreck, i am "thinking" clearly and have started contacting all of my contacts i can think of.
The thing that really upsets me more than anythin else, is that, out of all of my friends, I have always been the most stable. Kinda the rock that ends up helping my friends in their times of hardship. As selfish as it is for me to want to continue this role, I just don't know what I am going to do moving forward. I am afraid that I will have to find a new job in another state, and have to move.
Ultimatey, I have to do what I HAVE to.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I haven't posted in a while
But that's because there is nothing really going on to post about.
Today i am having some friends over to watch movies... that's about it. My life has been boring... though next week should be interesting, as I am headed up to Philly to film the movie!!!!!
Today i am having some friends over to watch movies... that's about it. My life has been boring... though next week should be interesting, as I am headed up to Philly to film the movie!!!!!
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