One Anxiety Trigger Revealed...

I haven't written in a couple days... mostly because i have been home, but i thought i would write anyway...

I was kinda debating on whether to write this in my blog... but hey... this is for me to open up right?

I kinda pinpointed this a while ago... but i don't know if i wrote it anywhere...

Guys, especially Gay guys trigger my anxiety... well... let me rephrase... gay guys i am attracted to, that i don't know or am not comfortable with, triggers my anxiety. Or anyone i meet that has the possibility of sex... i get the same thing... bad stomach cramps... panicky feeling... etc...

It explains, for anyone NOT paying attention, why i don't do hookups, or go out much. Also it explains part of the reason why i am so down about myself most of the time to other guys... thinkin... if they don't like me... i have nothing to panic about.

So... in my personal analysis of the situation, first i thought... maybe i am getting these panic feelings about guys because... well... maybe i am not gay and that's by body's way of telling me... so... i tried looking at some lesbian porn... I wanted to make sure that I took guys out of the equation... eeewww! no thanks... okay... being gay affirmed... All of my fantasies are based around guys... so are my attractions. (not that i don't think girls can be pretty or sexy... they are just like statues in a museum... nice to look at, but do NOT touch!

So, in delving further into my personal neuroses, i found out that my diagnosis, which i explained before, is bi-polar I mixed... essentially this means... that my mind sends emotions and triggers to my body, and my body doesn't know how to interpret them, so it sends back "does not compute" and my mind gets all panicky... mostly, that relates to the highs and lows swing of bi-polarism, but, it seems to happen when i see cute guys i don't know (that i THINK i have a chance with (whether i do or don't)) or when i set up a "hook up"

I mean... i have a STRONG appreciation for sex... VERY STRONG... despite the fact i haven't had very good sex i don't think comes into play... i have an exceedingly large porn collection, even like to see walks on the wild side... but when it comes to me doing things... it's just difficult...

The way i have overcome that in the past is meet people for just being friends, and try and seduce them once i feel comfortable with them... but that itself never ends up to full blown sex. Just fooling around, and actually i don't mind that at all... but i HAVE to feel comfortable with the person in order for me to do that, which means.. initiating a "hookup" just doesn't work...

I am pretty messed up huh? Anyone think they have a cure?

Oh... btw... I CAN get past the panic thing by taking my emergency pills... but it mellows me out to a point where... i just don't care or desire much to happen when i finally meet up. And then the whole panic feeling leading up to that point makes me think it's just not worth it.