oh yeah... i am a slave to it. No matter what goes on, what my assignment, how early i know about it... i always have to do it last minute.
But... i do my best work at the last minute... why is that? i don't know... but it's always been that way... from elementary school to... well... the assignment i am currently working on.
i keep thinkin i have to fix it... but... last minute has really served me in the past... is it worth it to fix it? *shrug*
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
SNOW!!!
Well... since i have been home, there is nothing going on in my life. But last night i had a dream about snow last night!
There was like 5 inches of snow on the ground and we were expecting like 4 more inches. I found that I was in a "highschool" scenario, as i was home in Swarthmore, had met with old neighbors that were living next door when i was in highschool, and, i saw and interacted with my grandmother.
I had a blast, it's been over 4 years since i have participated in any significant snow and i miss it. A LOT... everyone who knows me knows i am missing the snow (and most don't understand it.)
I was throwing snowballs and everything.
How is this significant at all?
1. Well... lately i noticed my dreams have gone away from "meeting partners"
2. I also noticed that in real life, i have been feeling more lonely and pathetic.
now... i know i will get over it... it doesn't seem to stop those feelings. I just find it interesting... that my dreams have swayed from what i have been feeling.
and damnit!!!!! I WANT SNOW! (maybe i should move back up north)
There was like 5 inches of snow on the ground and we were expecting like 4 more inches. I found that I was in a "highschool" scenario, as i was home in Swarthmore, had met with old neighbors that were living next door when i was in highschool, and, i saw and interacted with my grandmother.
I had a blast, it's been over 4 years since i have participated in any significant snow and i miss it. A LOT... everyone who knows me knows i am missing the snow (and most don't understand it.)
I was throwing snowballs and everything.
How is this significant at all?
1. Well... lately i noticed my dreams have gone away from "meeting partners"
2. I also noticed that in real life, i have been feeling more lonely and pathetic.
now... i know i will get over it... it doesn't seem to stop those feelings. I just find it interesting... that my dreams have swayed from what i have been feeling.
and damnit!!!!! I WANT SNOW! (maybe i should move back up north)
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
well... lets see what happens
So... last night i went to dinner with a co-worker... He's from Cape Cod, and out of the 3 of them, one of the cooler ones...
We were talking about marriage (no... i was not talking of marrying him!) but my little brother's wedding... then i said, i will not be getting married... he said "don't say that... you never know"
That's when i noticed the opportunity to say "well... it has to be legalized first"
That's when he said... "well... you can get married in my state"
So... i came out, to one of my co-workers... so we will see if the goading stops, at least from him.
We were talking about marriage (no... i was not talking of marrying him!) but my little brother's wedding... then i said, i will not be getting married... he said "don't say that... you never know"
That's when i noticed the opportunity to say "well... it has to be legalized first"
That's when he said... "well... you can get married in my state"
So... i came out, to one of my co-workers... so we will see if the goading stops, at least from him.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Back in California
Yup ladies and gentlemen... I am back... and my god... is it FRIGGIN HOT!!!!!!
it was like 200 degrees yesterday... and I was SUPER tired from flying so early in the morning.
Well... let me start at the beginning, since i haven't mentioned anything about this past weekend's main event.
Saturday:
As I mentioned... I had 2 events to go to, a graduation party for a cousin I am not particularily fond of (she's actually my cousin's daughter, and spoiled rotten!) The party was okay... it was super windy and the traffic getting there and back took a 35-minute drive and turned it into an hour... and it would have been even longer if i didn't have my GPS system on hand to find a back way to get off of i95. Which was closed down to 1 lane for construction, but no construction was actually taking place! So we got there... it was good to see some of my cousins again. After walking around and saying hi... we got some food... the food was eh... I wasn't impressed... but i am not easily impressed by other's food (thanks mom!)
We stayed there for roughly 2 hours then moved on... Went home. Not too bad. (and actually, for something like this, i used to take at least 1 anti-anxiety pill... and i didn't! My psych would be proud of me)
So... we got home around 7ish... and we had to be at Barnaby's (a local bar) to meet up with all of the people going to the bachelor party. A couple drinks were had (not by me) and the majority (10) were magically wisked away on a big yellow school bus to go to Club Risque. I convinced my father to drive because i did not want to stay there the whole time. (interesting note: I have been there before when it was the "Doll House" in college. I had 2 lesbian friends who wanted to go, but couldn't go without male accompanyment. I was it.)
So we get there... Nothing special... after getting in the door we were lead to a party room. Free open bar for 2 hours. (still... i just had soda)) and girls would be coming in 1 at a time... stripping down into their panties and dancing on the pole that was in the center of the room. There was a lot of drinking, grinding, and cigar smoking. Girls would take dollar bills of out the attendees mouths by smashing their boobs together... ummm... i am not impressed. I was, however impressed with some of the acrobatics of these girls. Climbing up the poll then hanging on by one leg up side down while seemingly still grinding as they slowly slid down. That's talent... which i would have preferred to see with a bra on or something.
I have seen my share of boobs... they are fine (not sexy to me) as long as i don't have to touch them. and it's not touching them i really have the problem with, it's the sexual connotation that goes along with it.
So... I am sitting there watching everything going on... my eyes are watery from all of the cigar smoke, i am not drinking any alcohol, because of all the alcohol they have, i wasn't interested in any of it, and there are naked girls, 3 of which came up to me, asked if i was alright, and offered me a complimentary couch dance, which i respectfully declined.
The highlight of the evening is when my older brother James, decided to buy a lap dance for my father (who is about to be 70) He was gone for a while and he came back BRIGHT RED faced and couldn't stop laughing. He probably had fun. The low light of the evening... which kinda really annoyed me, is the non stop stream of people urging me to get a lap dance... I was constantly being bombarded all night by several people, i guess thinking if i had a lap dance, i would miraculously turn straight. WRONG... last thing i want is a lap dance from a girl... I wasn't even truely impressed when i had a lap dance from a guy before... but that's another story.
My father, 2 oldest brothers and i left at 11 ish, (i had originally wanted to leave at 10.) We didn't get to see justin put on the hot seat (where he is brought up on the main stage with 2 girls dancing at once) He was asked about it, and doesn't seem to remember much of the night, apparently still being drunk and in REALLY BAD shape the next day.
Sunday... Was quiet... we didn't do much of anything.. I helped mom and dad clean up the basement a little, then they wanted to go to KMart for a little shopping, just get some cheap sheets for the bed and a couple throw rugs and some plant stands ($400 later, we left) Mom made dinner and then I went to bed.
I woke up at 3:30am on Monday!!!! I had to catch a plane at 6:20 to go to Cinncinati. My stomach was not feeling well, so i took a pill for that... Then i caught my next plane (got there just in time) to orange county... SUPER FULL... and i sat next to a coughing scuzzy looking guy the whole flight... and there wasn't the little personal video monitors... *grumble grumble grumble*
I arrived in Orange County about 10:30 PST (1:30 for those on the east coast) and went right to work in that oh so wonderful building. I had a very warm reception... (like 100 degrees) from both the weather, and my co-workers, who took every chance to harass me that they could. (just teasing stuff... nothing special) but since i was so tired, i really didn't fight back. Left work around 5, went and got water and juice, found dinner, and went back to the hotel where i ate, then slept.
I guess i was really tired, because i only woke up like 5 times during the night and i was asleep from 9 - 5... I am still a little tired for some reason... but who knows...
that was my weekend adventure. Time to get ready for work.
it was like 200 degrees yesterday... and I was SUPER tired from flying so early in the morning.
Well... let me start at the beginning, since i haven't mentioned anything about this past weekend's main event.
Saturday:
As I mentioned... I had 2 events to go to, a graduation party for a cousin I am not particularily fond of (she's actually my cousin's daughter, and spoiled rotten!) The party was okay... it was super windy and the traffic getting there and back took a 35-minute drive and turned it into an hour... and it would have been even longer if i didn't have my GPS system on hand to find a back way to get off of i95. Which was closed down to 1 lane for construction, but no construction was actually taking place! So we got there... it was good to see some of my cousins again. After walking around and saying hi... we got some food... the food was eh... I wasn't impressed... but i am not easily impressed by other's food (thanks mom!)
We stayed there for roughly 2 hours then moved on... Went home. Not too bad. (and actually, for something like this, i used to take at least 1 anti-anxiety pill... and i didn't! My psych would be proud of me)
So... we got home around 7ish... and we had to be at Barnaby's (a local bar) to meet up with all of the people going to the bachelor party. A couple drinks were had (not by me) and the majority (10) were magically wisked away on a big yellow school bus to go to Club Risque. I convinced my father to drive because i did not want to stay there the whole time. (interesting note: I have been there before when it was the "Doll House" in college. I had 2 lesbian friends who wanted to go, but couldn't go without male accompanyment. I was it.)
So we get there... Nothing special... after getting in the door we were lead to a party room. Free open bar for 2 hours. (still... i just had soda)) and girls would be coming in 1 at a time... stripping down into their panties and dancing on the pole that was in the center of the room. There was a lot of drinking, grinding, and cigar smoking. Girls would take dollar bills of out the attendees mouths by smashing their boobs together... ummm... i am not impressed. I was, however impressed with some of the acrobatics of these girls. Climbing up the poll then hanging on by one leg up side down while seemingly still grinding as they slowly slid down. That's talent... which i would have preferred to see with a bra on or something.
I have seen my share of boobs... they are fine (not sexy to me) as long as i don't have to touch them. and it's not touching them i really have the problem with, it's the sexual connotation that goes along with it.
So... I am sitting there watching everything going on... my eyes are watery from all of the cigar smoke, i am not drinking any alcohol, because of all the alcohol they have, i wasn't interested in any of it, and there are naked girls, 3 of which came up to me, asked if i was alright, and offered me a complimentary couch dance, which i respectfully declined.
The highlight of the evening is when my older brother James, decided to buy a lap dance for my father (who is about to be 70) He was gone for a while and he came back BRIGHT RED faced and couldn't stop laughing. He probably had fun. The low light of the evening... which kinda really annoyed me, is the non stop stream of people urging me to get a lap dance... I was constantly being bombarded all night by several people, i guess thinking if i had a lap dance, i would miraculously turn straight. WRONG... last thing i want is a lap dance from a girl... I wasn't even truely impressed when i had a lap dance from a guy before... but that's another story.
My father, 2 oldest brothers and i left at 11 ish, (i had originally wanted to leave at 10.) We didn't get to see justin put on the hot seat (where he is brought up on the main stage with 2 girls dancing at once) He was asked about it, and doesn't seem to remember much of the night, apparently still being drunk and in REALLY BAD shape the next day.
Sunday... Was quiet... we didn't do much of anything.. I helped mom and dad clean up the basement a little, then they wanted to go to KMart for a little shopping, just get some cheap sheets for the bed and a couple throw rugs and some plant stands ($400 later, we left) Mom made dinner and then I went to bed.
I woke up at 3:30am on Monday!!!! I had to catch a plane at 6:20 to go to Cinncinati. My stomach was not feeling well, so i took a pill for that... Then i caught my next plane (got there just in time) to orange county... SUPER FULL... and i sat next to a coughing scuzzy looking guy the whole flight... and there wasn't the little personal video monitors... *grumble grumble grumble*
I arrived in Orange County about 10:30 PST (1:30 for those on the east coast) and went right to work in that oh so wonderful building. I had a very warm reception... (like 100 degrees) from both the weather, and my co-workers, who took every chance to harass me that they could. (just teasing stuff... nothing special) but since i was so tired, i really didn't fight back. Left work around 5, went and got water and juice, found dinner, and went back to the hotel where i ate, then slept.
I guess i was really tired, because i only woke up like 5 times during the night and i was asleep from 9 - 5... I am still a little tired for some reason... but who knows...
that was my weekend adventure. Time to get ready for work.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
HomeWork
So... i cam home yesterday to the smell of fresh made from scratch waffles!!! Man... they were good...
But I paid for it...
Mom was like... i'm glad you're here... you can help me with some things...
That's when she decided to tell me that we were completely tearing apart the formal living room and her den, cleaning everything, then re-arranging all of the furniture..!!!!!!
So... we did both rooms and that took us till like 9pm... i was tired from being up at 3:45 that morning... so i just crashed...
Today... i found out i have a cousin's graduation party to go to (one i don't particularily like) from 2 - 5, then my little brother's bachelor party from 7 - midnight... (UGH) there goes my whole day.... oh... and tomorrow... if it's sunny, we are opening up the pool... that means hauling cinderblocks, pulling out and wiping down patio furniture, etc...
it's great to be home
But I paid for it...
Mom was like... i'm glad you're here... you can help me with some things...
That's when she decided to tell me that we were completely tearing apart the formal living room and her den, cleaning everything, then re-arranging all of the furniture..!!!!!!
So... we did both rooms and that took us till like 9pm... i was tired from being up at 3:45 that morning... so i just crashed...
Today... i found out i have a cousin's graduation party to go to (one i don't particularily like) from 2 - 5, then my little brother's bachelor party from 7 - midnight... (UGH) there goes my whole day.... oh... and tomorrow... if it's sunny, we are opening up the pool... that means hauling cinderblocks, pulling out and wiping down patio furniture, etc...
it's great to be home
Friday, May 16, 2008
Short-lived feeling of happiness
For those who don't know... The California State Supreme Court has cleared the way for Gay Marriages, stating that not doing so, makes Gays and Lesbiand second class citizens.
Immediately the Conservatives are launching a counter attack. Giving the arguement that it destroys traditional marriage.
WHY? HOW? They only site the Bible... and how it would destroy taxes... Huh? how would it destroy taxes? If they were all straight and got married to the opposite sex, you would still have the same amount of people paying taxes...
And for those living under the shield of a 1900 year old book and picking and choosing the messages that book send... I send this message to you...
Fuck You!
While I know this entry is less thought out than my normal entries... (and I will do a follow up) it's almost 5am and I have to go to the airport to head to philly for my little brother's bachelor party (expect an interesting blog report on that)
Have a nice *YAAAAWWWWNNNN* day!
Immediately the Conservatives are launching a counter attack. Giving the arguement that it destroys traditional marriage.
WHY? HOW? They only site the Bible... and how it would destroy taxes... Huh? how would it destroy taxes? If they were all straight and got married to the opposite sex, you would still have the same amount of people paying taxes...
And for those living under the shield of a 1900 year old book and picking and choosing the messages that book send... I send this message to you...
Fuck You!
While I know this entry is less thought out than my normal entries... (and I will do a follow up) it's almost 5am and I have to go to the airport to head to philly for my little brother's bachelor party (expect an interesting blog report on that)
Have a nice *YAAAAWWWWNNNN* day!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
One Anxiety Trigger Revealed...
I haven't written in a couple days... mostly because i have been home, but i thought i would write anyway...
I was kinda debating on whether to write this in my blog... but hey... this is for me to open up right?
I kinda pinpointed this a while ago... but i don't know if i wrote it anywhere...
Guys, especially Gay guys trigger my anxiety... well... let me rephrase... gay guys i am attracted to, that i don't know or am not comfortable with, triggers my anxiety. Or anyone i meet that has the possibility of sex... i get the same thing... bad stomach cramps... panicky feeling... etc...
It explains, for anyone NOT paying attention, why i don't do hookups, or go out much. Also it explains part of the reason why i am so down about myself most of the time to other guys... thinkin... if they don't like me... i have nothing to panic about.
So... in my personal analysis of the situation, first i thought... maybe i am getting these panic feelings about guys because... well... maybe i am not gay and that's by body's way of telling me... so... i tried looking at some lesbian porn... I wanted to make sure that I took guys out of the equation... eeewww! no thanks... okay... being gay affirmed... All of my fantasies are based around guys... so are my attractions. (not that i don't think girls can be pretty or sexy... they are just like statues in a museum... nice to look at, but do NOT touch!
So, in delving further into my personal neuroses, i found out that my diagnosis, which i explained before, is bi-polar I mixed... essentially this means... that my mind sends emotions and triggers to my body, and my body doesn't know how to interpret them, so it sends back "does not compute" and my mind gets all panicky... mostly, that relates to the highs and lows swing of bi-polarism, but, it seems to happen when i see cute guys i don't know (that i THINK i have a chance with (whether i do or don't)) or when i set up a "hook up"
I mean... i have a STRONG appreciation for sex... VERY STRONG... despite the fact i haven't had very good sex i don't think comes into play... i have an exceedingly large porn collection, even like to see walks on the wild side... but when it comes to me doing things... it's just difficult...
The way i have overcome that in the past is meet people for just being friends, and try and seduce them once i feel comfortable with them... but that itself never ends up to full blown sex. Just fooling around, and actually i don't mind that at all... but i HAVE to feel comfortable with the person in order for me to do that, which means.. initiating a "hookup" just doesn't work...
I am pretty messed up huh? Anyone think they have a cure?
Oh... btw... I CAN get past the panic thing by taking my emergency pills... but it mellows me out to a point where... i just don't care or desire much to happen when i finally meet up. And then the whole panic feeling leading up to that point makes me think it's just not worth it.
I was kinda debating on whether to write this in my blog... but hey... this is for me to open up right?
I kinda pinpointed this a while ago... but i don't know if i wrote it anywhere...
Guys, especially Gay guys trigger my anxiety... well... let me rephrase... gay guys i am attracted to, that i don't know or am not comfortable with, triggers my anxiety. Or anyone i meet that has the possibility of sex... i get the same thing... bad stomach cramps... panicky feeling... etc...
It explains, for anyone NOT paying attention, why i don't do hookups, or go out much. Also it explains part of the reason why i am so down about myself most of the time to other guys... thinkin... if they don't like me... i have nothing to panic about.
So... in my personal analysis of the situation, first i thought... maybe i am getting these panic feelings about guys because... well... maybe i am not gay and that's by body's way of telling me... so... i tried looking at some lesbian porn... I wanted to make sure that I took guys out of the equation... eeewww! no thanks... okay... being gay affirmed... All of my fantasies are based around guys... so are my attractions. (not that i don't think girls can be pretty or sexy... they are just like statues in a museum... nice to look at, but do NOT touch!
So, in delving further into my personal neuroses, i found out that my diagnosis, which i explained before, is bi-polar I mixed... essentially this means... that my mind sends emotions and triggers to my body, and my body doesn't know how to interpret them, so it sends back "does not compute" and my mind gets all panicky... mostly, that relates to the highs and lows swing of bi-polarism, but, it seems to happen when i see cute guys i don't know (that i THINK i have a chance with (whether i do or don't)) or when i set up a "hook up"
I mean... i have a STRONG appreciation for sex... VERY STRONG... despite the fact i haven't had very good sex i don't think comes into play... i have an exceedingly large porn collection, even like to see walks on the wild side... but when it comes to me doing things... it's just difficult...
The way i have overcome that in the past is meet people for just being friends, and try and seduce them once i feel comfortable with them... but that itself never ends up to full blown sex. Just fooling around, and actually i don't mind that at all... but i HAVE to feel comfortable with the person in order for me to do that, which means.. initiating a "hookup" just doesn't work...
I am pretty messed up huh? Anyone think they have a cure?
Oh... btw... I CAN get past the panic thing by taking my emergency pills... but it mellows me out to a point where... i just don't care or desire much to happen when i finally meet up. And then the whole panic feeling leading up to that point makes me think it's just not worth it.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
... ...
Well... today actually started off worse than yesterday... but it wasn't entirely my fault!
I went to my first meeting of the day, after being all shaken up about yesterday's meetings in with the mentality that I was meeting the Change Management group. (they are heavily into controls, validaiton and that sort of stuff...)
The first meeting was actually though, Technical Writers, who are a small branch of change management, but not quite the same. (they have different focuses
So I started asking questions towards the wrong set of people... and people were looking at me like i was from an alien planet... 20 minutes through the meeting, i realized i was focusing on the wrong bunch and started getting it... but man... that first part had me all confused and you could tell the customer was getting frustrated...
As it turns out... the first meeting of the day i got the invite for was for the Change Management people... So i was correct!!! They were wrong...
Apparently they switched meetings on me and sent it to a different email, ofcourse... that didn't really help me from making a complete and total ass out of myself in the beginning, but i was quickly recovered... The rest of the day went better than yesterday... but still not as good as it could have gone... my confidence is pretty much shot...
and I have A LOT of work to do in the next couple of days... *sigh*
I went to my first meeting of the day, after being all shaken up about yesterday's meetings in with the mentality that I was meeting the Change Management group. (they are heavily into controls, validaiton and that sort of stuff...)
The first meeting was actually though, Technical Writers, who are a small branch of change management, but not quite the same. (they have different focuses
So I started asking questions towards the wrong set of people... and people were looking at me like i was from an alien planet... 20 minutes through the meeting, i realized i was focusing on the wrong bunch and started getting it... but man... that first part had me all confused and you could tell the customer was getting frustrated...
As it turns out... the first meeting of the day i got the invite for was for the Change Management people... So i was correct!!! They were wrong...
Apparently they switched meetings on me and sent it to a different email, ofcourse... that didn't really help me from making a complete and total ass out of myself in the beginning, but i was quickly recovered... The rest of the day went better than yesterday... but still not as good as it could have gone... my confidence is pretty much shot...
and I have A LOT of work to do in the next couple of days... *sigh*
Monday, May 5, 2008
...
I am depressed... i felt it coming on for about a week and a half now... it's my low cycle... i can't think clearly, i am easily frustrated, on the verge of tears, little to no sleep...
and I am at a client site in Florida, with another unbelievably straight co-worker, who keeps trying to feed me drinks...
I was OBVIOUSLY un-prepared for today... the whole day was not wasted, but it could just as easily have been...
He asked me today, "So... how do you think things went today?"
I said, "I think we got a lot of good information"
He said, "yeah... i think we salvaged it"
*sigh*
I knew it was a nice way of saying... "you fucked up, be glad i was here to save your ass"
We had dinner at the hotel bar... After him having 6 shots of silver tequila, and 3 beers, he asked me, as I left...
"do me a favor, think about what you're going to ask tomorrow"
So... I have been sitting in front of my computer for about 35 minutes... staring at a blank word document, thinking... I have no idea what the hell I am doing. I have no clue what to ask... I am not getting any magical inspiration...
I am going to fall flat on my face with this project... most likely get fired, then i have to start looking for a new job...
The thing is... I KNOW this is not how I normall am... i KNOW i can do better, I KNOW what i am doing... But these low cycles... which usually last about 3 weeks, are definately NOT good, and the problem is... i just have to ride them out...
i feel like crying...
and I am at a client site in Florida, with another unbelievably straight co-worker, who keeps trying to feed me drinks...
I was OBVIOUSLY un-prepared for today... the whole day was not wasted, but it could just as easily have been...
He asked me today, "So... how do you think things went today?"
I said, "I think we got a lot of good information"
He said, "yeah... i think we salvaged it"
*sigh*
I knew it was a nice way of saying... "you fucked up, be glad i was here to save your ass"
We had dinner at the hotel bar... After him having 6 shots of silver tequila, and 3 beers, he asked me, as I left...
"do me a favor, think about what you're going to ask tomorrow"
So... I have been sitting in front of my computer for about 35 minutes... staring at a blank word document, thinking... I have no idea what the hell I am doing. I have no clue what to ask... I am not getting any magical inspiration...
I am going to fall flat on my face with this project... most likely get fired, then i have to start looking for a new job...
The thing is... I KNOW this is not how I normall am... i KNOW i can do better, I KNOW what i am doing... But these low cycles... which usually last about 3 weeks, are definately NOT good, and the problem is... i just have to ride them out...
i feel like crying...
Saturday, May 3, 2008
AAAAAHHHHHH
it's always good to be home... Something kinda satisfying about sleeping in your own bed... ofcourse... it would be nicer sleeping with someone in my bed... but ya know... in my own bed... helps a lot!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
kuods to brian!
My friend brian has gone down to a size 30 waist...
He was always a sexay biatch... And now he's a skinny sexay biatch!
Congrats Brian :)
If I had a 30 waist... I'd look like I was on my death bed!
He was always a sexay biatch... And now he's a skinny sexay biatch!
Congrats Brian :)
If I had a 30 waist... I'd look like I was on my death bed!
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