I had a conversation about my assignment in arizona today with the person who will be onsite with me. I have to say, i feel a little better about it. I think i am just one of those overthinkers that overthinks everything.
*shrug* oh well... i do feel better!
Monday, January 28, 2008
tired of looking at myself...
*sigh* I am tired of looking at myself in the mirror... what has happened... i used to be so health conscious. I HAVE to get better... shopping for healthier foods... STICKING to a REGULAR gym schedule. *sigh* Why does it have to be sooo difficult?
Saturday, January 26, 2008
dreams
well... a week ago i started having dreams again. Last night was a strange one....
well... it was kinda like having 2 dreams...
The first dream was about the Archangel Michael. He was coming to... i don't know... i think take me up to heaven or something like that... though he seemed to be kinda violent. He ended up trying to kill me... and I don't know how things changed, but we did end up having sex... i know right... and I have to say... it was quite amazing for what it was!
The second dream.. I was in a highschool... a really big one at that (like 10 stories) and there was a carnival going on. I was signed up to play a game for a huge prize. I was to be Ms. (yeah I know) pacman in a real life game. If i could outrun 5 people dressed as ghosts for roughly 10 minutes without getting caught, I would win a huge prize. And I ran up and down steps... in and out of rooms... was ALMOST caught a couple times... but it never happened. I finally won (the time was up) and i got my prize... 2 jaw breakers... *blink* yup... i guess in my mind... big prizes aren't really what they are supposed to be... huh?
So... what does it all mean? Probably that I am psychologically deformed... =p who knows... sex with angels, then ms pacman...
I think it has something to do with my medication... if i don't take it for a day or two... i get my dreams back...
well... it was kinda like having 2 dreams...
The first dream was about the Archangel Michael. He was coming to... i don't know... i think take me up to heaven or something like that... though he seemed to be kinda violent. He ended up trying to kill me... and I don't know how things changed, but we did end up having sex... i know right... and I have to say... it was quite amazing for what it was!
The second dream.. I was in a highschool... a really big one at that (like 10 stories) and there was a carnival going on. I was signed up to play a game for a huge prize. I was to be Ms. (yeah I know) pacman in a real life game. If i could outrun 5 people dressed as ghosts for roughly 10 minutes without getting caught, I would win a huge prize. And I ran up and down steps... in and out of rooms... was ALMOST caught a couple times... but it never happened. I finally won (the time was up) and i got my prize... 2 jaw breakers... *blink* yup... i guess in my mind... big prizes aren't really what they are supposed to be... huh?
So... what does it all mean? Probably that I am psychologically deformed... =p who knows... sex with angels, then ms pacman...
I think it has something to do with my medication... if i don't take it for a day or two... i get my dreams back...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
over-confidence has the potential to lead to disaster
but what about underconfidence? i started my job, and it seems to be great... don't get me wrong, however, I am worried that perhaps i am not good enough for the job. despite the fact that they are reporting the contrary.
in a job like consulting, confidence is key. you have to sell yourself to everyone and self confidence has always been my downfall. i have a very negative ego... it has always been one of my downfalls. Will it be a nail in my coffin?
in a job like consulting, confidence is key. you have to sell yourself to everyone and self confidence has always been my downfall. i have a very negative ego... it has always been one of my downfalls. Will it be a nail in my coffin?
Monday, January 21, 2008
Good Morning America (not the tv show)
Well... today is my first day at the new job. I am kinda wondering what they are thinking at the old one... not that i care all that much. I will miss them, but not nessecarily the job. It's about 7:25 and I am planning on leaving for the new job at roughly 8am. This is to make way for traffic and getting lost. Yes... even with my GPS system i have the potential to get lost. *sigh*
To say i am nervous is an understatement. I will be taking a loreazepam before i go. It's only orientation, and I know it won't be that "hard core" of a day, but i want to make sure i go into work with the correct attitude.
Oh wait... UCB is off today!!! happy mlk day for anyone who is reading.
Damn... i should have said my last day was today. I would have got an extra day of pay. Oh well... too late to change that now.
Well... here's to new beginnings!
To say i am nervous is an understatement. I will be taking a loreazepam before i go. It's only orientation, and I know it won't be that "hard core" of a day, but i want to make sure i go into work with the correct attitude.
Oh wait... UCB is off today!!! happy mlk day for anyone who is reading.
Damn... i should have said my last day was today. I would have got an extra day of pay. Oh well... too late to change that now.
Well... here's to new beginnings!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Filling up the tank at the gym...
Well... i have to say, yesterday i had one of the oddest conversations i have ever had in my life. My friend Robert, who, let's just say is VERY well to do, called me up yesterday and said...
Robert: guess what I just did.
Jeff: I don't know, called me?
Robert: no... i mean... guess what I just bought
now... knowing he has a love of cars... i went with the first thing that came to my mind
Jeff: a hummer?
Robert: Nope... a Gas Station and a Gym
Jeff: huh?
Robert: a gas station and a gym!
Jeff: why would you buy a gas station and a gym?
Robert: I got them at a good price
Jeff: Robert, I can't quite fathom that, I am struggling with buying a new car... and you got a gas station and a gym...
Robert: Yup...
He then goes on to tell me it's a 2 story gym with 10 stand up walk in tanning beds and he mentioned a couple of other things...
I wish robert all the best on his endeavour... but... i have to say... it was quite an odd conversation!
Robert: guess what I just did.
Jeff: I don't know, called me?
Robert: no... i mean... guess what I just bought
now... knowing he has a love of cars... i went with the first thing that came to my mind
Jeff: a hummer?
Robert: Nope... a Gas Station and a Gym
Jeff: huh?
Robert: a gas station and a gym!
Jeff: why would you buy a gas station and a gym?
Robert: I got them at a good price
Jeff: Robert, I can't quite fathom that, I am struggling with buying a new car... and you got a gas station and a gym...
Robert: Yup...
He then goes on to tell me it's a 2 story gym with 10 stand up walk in tanning beds and he mentioned a couple of other things...
I wish robert all the best on his endeavour... but... i have to say... it was quite an odd conversation!
FREE AT LAAAAST!
well... yesterday was my last day at UCB. I have to say, i am truely happy to go. though not 100%... i will miss everyone there. I got a lot of hugs... even a couple of tears from a couple of the people. I kinda felt bad for smiling so much, but like i said... when i turned in my computer and blackberry, then turned in my badge, i just felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
So... I am all set to start CSC on Monday. I am kinda nervous about going there for the first time, but hey, its a new job and a new experience. When they told me that my first assignment was going to be on Feb 4th, I had to honestly say, i got that small panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach... that's only 2 weeks away. I hope i am up to the challenge.
So... I am all set to start CSC on Monday. I am kinda nervous about going there for the first time, but hey, its a new job and a new experience. When they told me that my first assignment was going to be on Feb 4th, I had to honestly say, i got that small panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach... that's only 2 weeks away. I hope i am up to the challenge.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Problems with Consulting
My new job, which deals with consulting, took a nasty negative hit today. UCB has a Liquent Consultant here this week, and he mentioned the "joys" of consulting.
He's tired of traveling, he's sick of missing flights so that he has to spend the night over in the city to catch an early morning flight the next day, sick of the rent-a-car companies that really suck, one that tried to give him a $6000 bill, eating dinner alone every night trying to find decent resteraunts while you are there.
It got me thinking... perhaps I made a mistake!!! It certainly made me more nervous! The only thing i can think to not make me beg for my current job back, is that the people who I have talked to that work for CSC have each been there for more than 7 years. Now granted, the Liquent Consultant has a slightly different type of consultant job than i will have. He goes on 1day to 1 week assignments, when i am told my average assignment will last 3 - 6 months. Which will allow me to get into a routine.
Still... makes me a little nervous.
He's tired of traveling, he's sick of missing flights so that he has to spend the night over in the city to catch an early morning flight the next day, sick of the rent-a-car companies that really suck, one that tried to give him a $6000 bill, eating dinner alone every night trying to find decent resteraunts while you are there.
It got me thinking... perhaps I made a mistake!!! It certainly made me more nervous! The only thing i can think to not make me beg for my current job back, is that the people who I have talked to that work for CSC have each been there for more than 7 years. Now granted, the Liquent Consultant has a slightly different type of consultant job than i will have. He goes on 1day to 1 week assignments, when i am told my average assignment will last 3 - 6 months. Which will allow me to get into a routine.
Still... makes me a little nervous.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Peeing under the penalty of unemployment!
I HATE drug tests. It's not that I do drugs and am worried about failing it... nor is it because i am embarassed about peeing into a cup... what I always have a problem with, is performing on command! Go in, make sure you pee a certain amount (which seems like not a lot, until you have to try and fill it up, then it seems like gallons. No matter how much water I drink, nothing... and i mean nothing!!!!!
*sigh*
I wonder if they will take hair follicle tests instead.
*sigh*
I wonder if they will take hair follicle tests instead.
No dreams
I usually like dreaming... I haven't had dreams in quite some time... probably a couple months... not quite sure why not... perhaps it's the medication i am on. Sometimes i guess it can cause that. It kinda causes my sleep to be restless... I haven't slept through a whole night in like almost a month...
Sunday, January 13, 2008
balanced life... is it possible
how can one truely live a balanced life? work vs. personal, social activities vs activities to do alone etc...
i have always been the type of person who wants to be the "jack of all trades" but i find myself not quite being able to.
actually... the topic of this blog should really be, i guess, how do people continue the motivation to do the various and sundry tasks they have been assigned, while keeping their attention on what they are doing if it's not something they nessecarily enjoy. I am starting to find now a days that sometimes, even things i enjoy doing, i just don't have the patience for much anymore.
I used to be able to play online games like everquest for like 15 hours at a time (yeah... i know) and now, i don't even play it because it requires my attention for way too long. *sigh*
i have always been the type of person who wants to be the "jack of all trades" but i find myself not quite being able to.
actually... the topic of this blog should really be, i guess, how do people continue the motivation to do the various and sundry tasks they have been assigned, while keeping their attention on what they are doing if it's not something they nessecarily enjoy. I am starting to find now a days that sometimes, even things i enjoy doing, i just don't have the patience for much anymore.
I used to be able to play online games like everquest for like 15 hours at a time (yeah... i know) and now, i don't even play it because it requires my attention for way too long. *sigh*
Saturday, January 12, 2008
be careful what you wish for
sometimes i wonder if i am not fooling myself when i try and figure out what i want. Do i really want a boyfriend, or is it somethingi am just talking myself into? in other words... i don't know if it's really better to be single for me. I have been without a boyfriend for so much time in my life... i don't really know if i should have one.
The other thing is... my mom mentioned that she thinks i should have a boyfriend that's equal to me. I have always found guys that were younger than me, or made less money than me, but i don't have a very high opinion of myself. I never have...
so do i really want what i think i want? or am i just saying that to try and convince myself...?
The other thing is... my mom mentioned that she thinks i should have a boyfriend that's equal to me. I have always found guys that were younger than me, or made less money than me, but i don't have a very high opinion of myself. I never have...
so do i really want what i think i want? or am i just saying that to try and convince myself...?
Friday, January 11, 2008
Friday...
It's friday... i have lots of things going on this weekend... but i am kinda slipping back into my fear of meeting people thing again... anxiety sucks... a lot
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Top or bottom... So what!?!?!
Okay... so one of my friends told me yesterday that if i was a bottom... he would be pursuing me... another one of my friends stated, in a different conversation, that he would love to be with me if i wasn't a bottom... Both were different friends in different conversations.
This caused me to ask some hypothetical questions to a couple of other friends... would you switch to be with someone...
My friend Brian, said this: "relationships need to be best friends, and it needs to be organic" Since sex fades after a year or so, why does the top or bottom matter?
It's always been my personal philosophy that since i don't do everything... if i am in a relationship with someone and they have a need they want filled, and i don't do that. I tell them to get that need filled with someone else then come back to me! My 3 rules are...
1. Tell me about it (don't go sneaking behind my back)
2. Play safe! (no diseases thank you!)
3. Always come home (in otherwords.. don't fall in love with someone else)
Am I wrong? are relationships completely based on biologics... what goes where with who? I know we are all pre-disposed to one sex or another... but when you break it down further, it only smashed the dating pool... I mean... i can see myself in lots of relationships with other TOP guys... who are completely awesome... but 2 tops don't nessecarily make a bottom.
*sigh*
This caused me to ask some hypothetical questions to a couple of other friends... would you switch to be with someone...
My friend Brian, said this: "relationships need to be best friends, and it needs to be organic" Since sex fades after a year or so, why does the top or bottom matter?
It's always been my personal philosophy that since i don't do everything... if i am in a relationship with someone and they have a need they want filled, and i don't do that. I tell them to get that need filled with someone else then come back to me! My 3 rules are...
1. Tell me about it (don't go sneaking behind my back)
2. Play safe! (no diseases thank you!)
3. Always come home (in otherwords.. don't fall in love with someone else)
Am I wrong? are relationships completely based on biologics... what goes where with who? I know we are all pre-disposed to one sex or another... but when you break it down further, it only smashed the dating pool... I mean... i can see myself in lots of relationships with other TOP guys... who are completely awesome... but 2 tops don't nessecarily make a bottom.
*sigh*
Monday, January 7, 2008
Yawn
Daily routine, get up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, eat dinner, get on the computer to do work or play games, go to bed...
isn't there more to life? I definately have to change some things around.
isn't there more to life? I definately have to change some things around.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
events thus far
Well... i just got back from the GYM... yes... GYM!!! i decided it was time, i was tired of looking at myself in the mirror as i inch closer back to 250... so... when i hit 240 (sigh) i figured... that's enough... so i started back today and i have to say... what the hell was i thinking?!!! oh well... i know the results will outweigh the pain... or else someone will die... (probably me!)
I gave in my 2 week notice on Thursday, my last day at UCB will be the 18th of Jan. I start the new job at CSC on Jan 21... I seem to have a thing for short lettered companies to work for (ESPS, HL Yoh (at astrazeneca) UCB, now CSC... hmmm... i wonder if that's just a coincidence or some divine plan... oh well) And it went over like a fart in church... some people knew... most didn't see it coming, but on thursday, everyone was telling me to wipe the smile off of my face... oh well..!
I have to admit... i am kinda nervous... this job will be a completely new experience for me. well... all jobs are, but this one will be the most different. I just hope i can live up to their expectations... They are paying me a lot of money!
I gave in my 2 week notice on Thursday, my last day at UCB will be the 18th of Jan. I start the new job at CSC on Jan 21... I seem to have a thing for short lettered companies to work for (ESPS, HL Yoh (at astrazeneca) UCB, now CSC... hmmm... i wonder if that's just a coincidence or some divine plan... oh well) And it went over like a fart in church... some people knew... most didn't see it coming, but on thursday, everyone was telling me to wipe the smile off of my face... oh well..!
I have to admit... i am kinda nervous... this job will be a completely new experience for me. well... all jobs are, but this one will be the most different. I just hope i can live up to their expectations... They are paying me a lot of money!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
reflections on 2007
Lots of things have happened in 2007. I thought was going to be a banner year because, in numerology terms 2007 = 2+0+0+7 = 9... but it wasn't truely a stellar year...
I will try to go over all of the things that have happened this year.
Losses
rose feldman
cousin roseanne
uncle pat
uncle vince
pang
Births
Cole Grossi
Vesna's David
Frankie's Florian
Job
Overall... I got so fed up with work this year... talking about leaving has tripled from previous years. Did a lot of support, helped get the Mikado FCG's FirstDocs stuff off the ground, even taking a trip to belgium, in which i bought A TON of chocolate.
Over the last couple months a company called CSC has been trying to win me over to be in their employment, and it worked. After 5 interviews (4 phone and 1 in person) and some brief negotiations in contract, i decided to take their job offer with a salary of $105,000.00! Not too bad huh? I sign the paperwork next year and look to start in January.
Personal Life
It has been emotionally a roller coaster year. My anxiety has been good, bad, and aweful. I found out that i don't really have anxiety... it's type 1 bi-polarism mixed. that means, i have mood swings... but my mind and body don't really know when i am up or down... so it creates the anxiety. Crazy huh? yeah... i hate it too... Deron Pardue had come to live with me from October through the end of the year... It was actually nice to have someone around. Kinda subsided the lonliness of my place for a while
Health
Overall... the health was normal... Anxiety had its good and bad points... I started doing regular dental visits and got some of the long overdue procedures completed that needed to be done (rootcanals (2), fillings (2) crowns (2) etc... ). There was one day I got sicker than i have ever remembered being in a long time, running to the bathroom every 10 minutes, not being able to sleep, and remembered seeing very bright flourescent green stuff coming out of me... it was not a good day! Other than that... nothing else major.
Love Life
I have met with some people... one i thought there was a real connection, until we met and left each other, than he decided to be 2 years old and not call again... I have talked to some really nice guys, but nothing has come of it. Love life = 0
I will try to go over all of the things that have happened this year.
Losses
rose feldman
cousin roseanne
uncle pat
uncle vince
pang
Births
Cole Grossi
Vesna's David
Frankie's Florian
Job
Overall... I got so fed up with work this year... talking about leaving has tripled from previous years. Did a lot of support, helped get the Mikado FCG's FirstDocs stuff off the ground, even taking a trip to belgium, in which i bought A TON of chocolate.
Over the last couple months a company called CSC has been trying to win me over to be in their employment, and it worked. After 5 interviews (4 phone and 1 in person) and some brief negotiations in contract, i decided to take their job offer with a salary of $105,000.00! Not too bad huh? I sign the paperwork next year and look to start in January.
Personal Life
It has been emotionally a roller coaster year. My anxiety has been good, bad, and aweful. I found out that i don't really have anxiety... it's type 1 bi-polarism mixed. that means, i have mood swings... but my mind and body don't really know when i am up or down... so it creates the anxiety. Crazy huh? yeah... i hate it too... Deron Pardue had come to live with me from October through the end of the year... It was actually nice to have someone around. Kinda subsided the lonliness of my place for a while
Health
Overall... the health was normal... Anxiety had its good and bad points... I started doing regular dental visits and got some of the long overdue procedures completed that needed to be done (rootcanals (2), fillings (2) crowns (2) etc... ). There was one day I got sicker than i have ever remembered being in a long time, running to the bathroom every 10 minutes, not being able to sleep, and remembered seeing very bright flourescent green stuff coming out of me... it was not a good day! Other than that... nothing else major.
Love Life
I have met with some people... one i thought there was a real connection, until we met and left each other, than he decided to be 2 years old and not call again... I have talked to some really nice guys, but nothing has come of it. Love life = 0
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