low self esteem.

So... i have low self esteem... I know that... mostly everyone who knows me is fully aware that i look down upon myself...

It's part of my personality... for good or for ill... i feel as though it keeps me humble... That's not why i have it... but that's a positive side effect...

Since everyone knows i have low self esteem, i usually tell them not to let me know that i am not what i say i am, EVERY TIME... So when i post something that does demean me slightly... all i hear comments on is "you're not ugly... blah blah blah..."

Well... i do appreciate the sentiment... and I thank you for your positive thoughts... but... unfortunately, you saying that isn't really going to help me change the way I feel about myself. If anything... for some strange reason, it makes me feel embarassed and a little annoyed. I do appreciate compliments... but not negative reactions to what i say and type, especially if and when the point is completely missed.

I know where my strong points are... I know my looks, at the moment, are not one of them. Kinda like, i know i will never ever ever ever ever be a good doctor... i can't stand the site of guts... it's not one of my strong points...


As i am writing this, i do realize how pompous it sounds... but seriously... i am okay with myself... really... i am workin on changing my appearance to boost my esteem... once i do, you will see my attitude change about myself... but don't expect a miracle.

thought of the day

so... i had heard a lot of drama going between my friends... and I mean A LOT... with a capitol A LOT... i find it amusing that it's all caused by lies, deceit, broken promises, and seeing what one can get away with... combined with a wide assortment of hormones.

Just when you think it's over... a whole other chapter seems to open... after i heard today's chapter, i thought 2 things...

First... I should turn this into a script "inspired by true events" I think i will call it... "Devious"

Second... and this is my thought of the day... is that, and I quoted this to one of my friends...:

For once, I am actually glad i am the fat, ugly friend that no-one wants to fuck... it saves me a TON of drama!

So by now...

you're probably wondering why i haven't mentioned going on a 3rd date... Well... there isn't really too much to say on the subject...

There was no 3rd date. I think that the reasons rest solely upon me. There are 2 reasons that are leading me to not contact him.

1. The end of the 2nd date ended a little strange. I was seduced into having sex... whch is NOT the strange thing. The strange part is, when i asked about a condom, it was mentioned that none was needed. I found that EXTREMELY odd, especially since he's a nursing student.

2. This reason is much more selfish of me. He doesn't call, write, text, email, facebook, nothing... My birthday was on Tuesday, he did know about it, we talked about it. But not so much as a text saying happy birthday. He only seems to want to respond to my messages. Now... i know this is extremely petty of me, but... if he can't bother to contact me, why should i contact him?

I mean... i know i am no prize... but damnit... show a little tiny initiative! I am not asking for communication every day, but... once a week? oh well...

Happy VD Everyone!

Ya know... i think it's funny that Valentine's Day's initials are the same as Venereal Disease. As i think both have the same appeal. I have never had anyone for valentine's day, but i imagine that if i did, i would insist on NOT celebrating it...

I think if people love each other, there shouldn't be one day to "show" it. Stupid Hallmark holiday...

Update

So... today I turn 33... what an odd age... but here i am in it...

This past saturday i had a second date with my little personal trainer. We went to dinner, it was nice... hopefully it will lead to a 3rd date...

anyway... happy birthday to me!